Well, children, it's the last day of school.     All  Yea!    Here are your grades.    Oh, no, Mrs. Krabappel.    If I don't get a "C" average, my dad won't let me go to Kamp Krusty.    Well, it isn't fair to the other children, but all right.    Much obliged, doll!     Laughing     Oh, Bart Simpson, I'm gonna miss you.    Attention, everyone. This is Principal Skinner.    I trust you all remembered to bring in your implements of destruction.    Skinner: Now, let's trash this dump.    Rock    Somebody put a torch to these permanent records. Quickly, now.     Vocalizing      Continues     Wake up, boy.     Groans, Gasps  I dreamt it was the last day of school.    Well, it is.    Oh, how do I know this isn't Some beautiful dream too?    Ow! You know, a pinch is more traditional.     Loud Gobbling, Belching     Homer, you do remember your promise to the children?    Sure do! When you're I 8, you're out the door!    No, Dad, you promised if Bart and I got "C" averages, we could go to Kamp Krusty.    And with no false modesty, you're lookin' at one happy camper.     Nervous Chuckling  Yeah.    Remember, when you see my report card, they got this new grading system this year.    It now goes, "D," "B," "A," "C."    Listen, boy, we have an understanding, and you'd better keep your end of it.    I don't think I'd be any kind of a father If you got D's, and I let you go to Kamp Krusty.      But, Dad! if you want something in this life, you have to work for it.    Now, quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.     Man  Seventeen, 32--    D'oh! five--    D'oh! eight--    Whoo-hoo!    47.    D'oh!    Skinner On P.A. Attention, students.    Please clear out your lockers into the waste baskets provided.    Thirty-six, 24, 36. Ha, ha, ha.     Cracks Knuckles     Now, let's see what we got here.    Ah, my gym shorts.    Here are your final report cards.    I have nothing left to say to any of you.    So if nobody minds, let's just quietly run out the clock.     Gasps     I've never gotten a "B" before.    How could this have happened? I feel so dirty!     Grunting     The dirt's not coming off!.  Panting     Okay. Calm down.    This must just be a little typo.  Nervous Giggle     Oh, Miss Hoover! There appears to be a mistake on my report card.    You gave me a B-plus in conduct?    Now, Lisa, everyone needs a blotch on their permanent record.    Perhaps I'm not making myself clear.  Hysterical Giggle     I think you should reconsider.    Lisa, you're hurting me!    Mrs. Krabappel, in figuring out my final grades...    I hope you'll note that all Of my textbooks are being returned... in excellent condition-- in some cases, still in their original wrappings.    Duly noted.    I'd also like to add, as I gaze upon your beauty...    I've never seen an angel fly so low.    Forget it, short pants.    Mrs. Krabappel, if I don't get at least a "C" average...    I can't go to Kamp Krusty!    Have a "D"-lightful summer!  Laughing     Five!    Four!    Three!    Two!    Don't open your mouth.    One!    Bell Ringing     Cheering     Wait a minute! You didn't learn how World w*r I ended.    We won!    Yea! U.S.A!    U.S.A!    U.S.A! U.S.A!    I haven't seen such unfettered hurly-burly since the fall of Saigon.    Well, William, another school year gone by.    And may I say, a job well done, sir?    Well, back to work then.    Make sure to give those toilets a good scrubbing.    We want the old girls sparkling when I get back.    Aye, sir. Eh, you silk-wearing buttercup!    All right! Three whole months Of Spaghetti Os and daytime  TV!    So, Bart, will you be joining me in the bucolic splendor of Kamp Krusty?    You bet. Check out this hand. All aces.     Laughing  A-plus!    Oh, Bart, why didn't you at least forge plausible grades?     Sighing  Oh!    Hi, kids!    Only one week left to sign up for the bestest summer ever at Kamp Krusty!     Grunts, Laughing     Whoa!  Laughing, Grunting     Hey! Kamp Krusty is built on an actual lndian burial ground.    We've got archery, wallet-making-- the whole megillah.      Chortling And for you fat kids... my exclusive program of diet and ridicule... will really get results.    And the best part is, when you come to Kamp Krusty... you'll spend the summer with me!    Honest lnjun!  Chortling     Well, here goes nothin'.    Clattering    D'oh! Stupid roller skate.    Well, Dad, here's my report card.    I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.    A-plus?    You don't think much of me, do you, boy?    No, sir.    You know, a "D" turns into a "B" so easily. You just got greedy.    So I won't get to go to camp?    Now, Bart, we made this deal because I thought it would help you get good grades.    And you didn't. But why should you pay for my mistake?    You mean I can go?    Yeah.    I didn't want you hanging around all summer anyway.    Oh, Dad, you're the best father a boy could ever have!    Thanks, son. Now, you've got little hands.    Can you reach under that mower and pull out that skate?     Engine Starts     Phew. Never mind.     Humming     Bart, where's your bathing suit?    I'm gonna swim "nekkid."    You're what?    Ah, sure, there'll be a couple Of up-tight counselors... who won't dig the Bart philosophy... but I feel the human body is a thing of beauty.    Marge, am I crazy or is my back getting hairier?    Before I go to camp, I'll need boosters for malaria...    German measles, encephalitis, Hansen's disease--    Oh, now, I'm afraid what we have here is an advanced case of hypochondria.    There's only one known cure-- a "wowwipop."  Chuckling     Don't patronize me, Doctor.    It's our last family dinner for six weeks... but I promised myself I wouldn't cry.     Loud Gulping, Snorting      Sobbing     Oh, I'm going to miss this!  Sniffles     Hey, hands off my pickle!    I don't see your name on it, boy.    No, but--    Oh, yeah?    Check... mate!    Always thinking two moves ahead.    We'll see you when you get back from lmage Enhancement Camp.    Spare me your euphemisms. It's fat camp for Daddy's chubby little secret!    You promised you wouldn't make a scene.    Mmm!  Kissing     Good-bye, my special little guy!    Mmm! Mmm! Lisa, watch out for poison ivy.    Remember: leaves of three, let it be.    Leaves of four, eat some more.  Laughing     Good-bye. Good-bye, sweetie.    Good-bye, Mom.    Bye, Dad! I'll write you every day!    Don't look in my closet.    In fact, stay out Of my room altogether.    Lisa: If the pets die, don't replace them. I'll know!     All Cheering     Woman: So long! Don't come back!    Hi, kids! Welcome to Kamp Krusty!     Chortling  I'll see you in a few weeks.    Until then, I've turned things over... to my bestest buddy in the whole wide world--     Dubbed Voice  Mr. Black.    I want you to treat--    Dubbed Voice Mr. Black. with the same respect you would give me.    Now here's--     Dubbed Voice  Mr. Black.    Thank you, Krusty, and welcome, children.    I am Mr. Black, your head counselor.    For the past I 5 years, I was president of Euro-Krustyland... until it blew up.    I'll take any questions you might have. You, and then one more.    Can we call you Uncle Blackie?    No. Last question.    When do we get to see Krusty?    Uh, he will be along eventually.    In the meantime, our counselors Dolph, Jimbo and Kearney... will be happy to handle any problems you may have.     Coughs     Looks like we got ourselves a troublemaker.     Grunting      Giggling     You can have the shower to yourself, Homie.    I'm finished.    Oh, no, you're not.    Ohh!     Chuckling     Here's your cabin. If you don't like it, T.S.     Squawking      Gasping      Rattling     This is a little more rustic than I expected.    I'm not worried, Lise. You know why?    Because of this. The Krusty Brand Seal of Approval.    You can only find it on products which meet the high personal standards... of Krusty the Clown.    Ow!    Oops. I should've warned you.    That clock gets incredibly hot If you leave it plugged in.    That's okay. Uh, all this stuff is fine.     Chortling     Now I am off to Wimbledon!    Don't we get to roast marshmallows?    Shut up and eat your pinecone.    Uh, are you sure that's safe?    Well, it ain't gettin' any safer.     All Gasping     Footsteps    All right, you b*lls of pan drippings!    I want to see Crisco coming out of those pores!    We're not leaving until this Christmas ham gives me a pull-up.     Acoustic Guitar     Singing     Louder! Faster!    Continues    Grunts    Wood Creaking     All Groaning     You're serving us gruel?    Not quite.    This is Krusty Brand lmitation Gruel.    Nine out of I 0 orphans can't tell the difference.    Yo, Mr. Black. Another brandy.    Gentlemen, to evil.    Marge, since the kids left, I've lost five pounds!    Oh, that's wonderful!    And look-- new hair!    I'm this close to having a comb-over.     Purring        Giggling     Laughing    Oh!     Shuddering     Lights out, losers!    Yeah, we're meetin' some tail on the other side of the lake.     Chuckling     Locks Sliding Shut    I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart.    We're all gonna die, Lise.    I meant soon.    So did I.    Mmm. Strawberries.    Mmm.  Slurping  Ah, that's good.    Hey, Lendl! Choke! Choke! Yeah!     Man  Point and game, Becker.    And will the harlequin in the third row Please keep his voice down?     Chortles  Sorry, folks.     Grunts  Sorry, Your Majesty.    Hmph!     Thinking  Dear kids, I hope this letter finds you well.    We're doing great.    Your father is in the best shape he's been since-- well, ever!     Grunts  Strength! Agility!    Marge's Voice We miss you terribly.    I hope these jelly bean cookies will tide you over until you get home.    Hey, Simpson! Tell your mom her cookies sucked.     Sighs      Thinking  Dear Mom and Dad, I no longer fear hell... because I've been to Kamp Krusty.    Our nature hikes have become grim death marches.     Groans     A snake bit me.    Back in line, maggot!    Lisa: Our arts and crafts center is, in actuality, a Dickensian workhouse.    Come on, wimps!    These Gucci wallets have to be on the streets of Hong Kong by Friday.    Lisa: Bart makes it through the days relying on his unwavering belief... that Krusty the Clown will come through.      Krusty is coming. Krusty is coming. Krusty's coming.    But I am far more pessimistic.    I am not sure lf this letter will reach you as our lines of communication have been cut.    Giddyap!    Now the effort of writing Has made me lightheaded... so I close by saying, "Save us! Save us now!'"    Bart and Lisa.     Chuckling     Ah, kids' letters from camp.    Oh, she complains now, but when we go to pick her up, she won't want to leave.    Wind Howling    Thunderclaps    Lisa, I've been thinking it over. Next summer, I'm getting a job.     Moaning     Oh, Homer. It's getting late.    We'll miss the fireworks.    Marge, we've got all the fireworks we need right here.    Well, kids, I promised you a little treat in lieu of dinner... and here it is-- the man who took an abandoned mule tannery and turned it into a summer wonderland...    Mr. Krusty the Clown.    See? I told you Krusty would come. just like I said.    He's gonna bring us food and water, and smite our enemies!     Flies Buzzing     Now, I must tell you kids, Krusty has laryngitis and a bad back... so he won't be saying anything or doing anything.    Krusty looks fat.    He's really having trouble keeping his balance.    He's still funny, but not ha-ha funny.    That's not Krusty the Clown!     Kids Gasping     What do you think? I slapped a clown suit on some wino?     Nervous Laughing  I mean, I--    Yeah, Bart.    I am so Krunchy the Clown!  Belches     All right. That's it.    I've been scorched by Krusty before.    I got a rapid heartbeat from those Krusty Brand vitamins.    My Krusty calculator didn't have a seven or an eight!      And Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions.    But this time, he's gone too far!    We want Krusty! We want Krusty! We want Krusty!    Yeah, we want Krunchy! We want Krunchy!    I thought you said you broke their spirits.    We did.    You broke nothing.     Bart  Let's get 'em!    To the hydrofoil!     All Clamoring     My chunky brothers, gorge yourselves at the trough of freedom!     Cheering      Slurping     Ahh! Sweet, nourishing gruel!    Kowalski!    My brownies!    Wiggum!    A change of underwear!    Crandall!    My insulin!     Squeaking     Bart! You said you were gonna name it Camp Freedom!    Aah, this has more zing.    I dub thee Sir--    Urgent call for Mr. Clown.    This better be important. Oy, gevalt! just let your head flop back and forth.    Your neck is a well-cooked piece of asparagus.     Man On TV We interrupt Sadrudin Mabaradad's Yoga Party for this special bulletin--    "Krisis at Kamp Krusty."     Gasps     Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan and lraq... and I can say without hyperbole... that this is a million times worse than all of them put together.     Chanting  Burn, Krusty, burn! Burn, Krusty, burn!      A group of school-aged Spartacuses has taken this camp by force.    Three counselors are missing and presumed scared.    What's that? I'm being told I can have an exclusive interview with the ringleader.     Thinking  Don't be the boy. Don't be the boy.    D'oh!    I just want the whole world to know that this was a really crappy camp.    Can I say "crappy" on  TV?    Yes, on this network, you can.    Is it true you attempted suicide when you heard the news?    Are you and Princess Di just friends?    You people make me sick!    You're vultures! Where were you when I sang at Farm Aid?    Out of my way, you parasites! I said, out of my way!    I'm no fake. I'm the real Krusty.    Oh, yeah? Who played your daughter in the short-lived sitcom President Clown?    I don't know her name, but she held up a liquor store last year.    I smell bacon. Let's see if he's wearing a wire!    Hey! Whoa! No! Not the face!     Gasping     Lisa: It is the real Krusty.    Look at that pacemaker scar, the cattle skull birthmark... and his famous superfluous nipple.    At least you're not as bad as Customs.    How could you, Krusty? I'd never lend my name to an inferior product.     Loud Sobbing  Oh!    They drove a dump truck full Of money up to my house.    I'm not made of stone!    Krusty, this camp was a nightmare.    They fed us gruel. They forced us to make wallets for export.    And one of the campers was eaten by a bear.    Oh, my God!  Sobbing     Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat.    Was it a nice hat?    Oh, yeah.    Oh, my God!    I'm gonna make it up to you. I'm gonna Show you kids the time of your life.    Get ready for two weeks at the Happiest Place on Earth--    Tijuana!     Cheering     Man Singing: Lounge Ballad    Ends    Mariachi Band    Men Olé!
Live from beautiful Laughlin, Nevada... it's the Miss American Girl Pageant.    Brought to you by: Smell like Streep For cheap!    I'm your host, Troy McClure. And now, here come the ladies!     Applause      Singing      Troy Like Miss South Dakota.    Miss North Carolina.    Miss lndiana. Miss Alaska.    Kids, I won't be home tonight, so I'm leaving you some low-cal microwavable TV dinners.    Uh--    Okay.    I'm auditioning for a play.    It's a musical version Of A Street car Named Desire.    Isn't that exciting?     Troy If you ask me, they're all winners!    We'll be cutting our first 40 contestants right after this.    Let's take a minute to meet our distinguished panel of judges.    Skin-care consultant, Roweena.    Syndicated columnist, William F. George.    Token black panelist, Drederick Tatum.    And Mr. Boswell, the man behind those infamous worst-dressed lists.    Mr. Boswell, can you give us a sneak peek at this year's list?    Memo to Goldie Hawn: cheerleading tryouts were 30 years ago.    Let's grow up, shall we?     All Laughing     He's such a b*tch.    I haven't been in a play since high school... and I thought it would be a good chance to meet some other adults.    Sounds interesting.    You know, I spend all day alone with Maggie... and sometimes it's like I don't even exist.    Sounds interesting.     Groans     It's time to name our five finalists... starting with... Miss Montana.    Applause    A beaut from Butte.    Miss South Carolina.    Nothin' could be finer.    Miss Delaware.    She, uh--    Good for her.     Singing Scales     Marge, keep it down in there!    Homer, my audition is in half--    Hey, look, it's last year's winner, Debra Jo Smallwood!    Tonight, my reign as Miss American Girl comes to an end.    And I'd like to apologize one last time... for my unfortunate remarks at the United Nations.     Classical     Maggie, cut that racket!    And where exactly Are you going?    I'm auditioning for a play.    Well, this is the first I've heard about it.    I told you several times.    It's a musical version Of A Streetcar Na--    Excuse me, Marge! I think that if you told me, I would remember.    I mean, I'm not an idiot!    Hm. Well, I-I thought I told you.    Kids, back me up.    He's right, Mom.    Sorry.    Match point-- Homer.    I'm sorry, honey.    It's okay. We're none of us perfect.    Piano    Singers Warming Up     Vocalizing     Well, howdy-do, neighbor.    Hi, Ned.    I didn't know you were an actor.    Oh, indeedily-doodily.    Uh, I've even been in Streetcar once before.    I played Blanche DuBois.    Mm-hmm. Just part of the fun Of going to an all-male school.    Hello! I am Llewellyn Sinclair.    I have directed three plays in my career... and I have had three heart att*cks.    That's how much I care.    I'm planning for a fourth.    Maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class.    Oh, forget about it. That Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic.    Quiet!    Sorry.    I am not an easy man to work for.    While directing Hats Off to Hanukkah...    I reduced more than one cast member to tears.    Did I expect too much from fourth graders?    The review, "Play Enjoyed By All, '" speaks for itself.    Hm.    Those auditioning for the role of Stanley... take off your shirts.    Take off your shirts!     Repeating in French     Schnell! Schnell! Schnell!    Uh-uh. Nope. Try joining a gym.    Oh, ye gods!    Hey, man, if you like that, you should see my butt.    You. You're my Stanley.    Hot diggity! How 'bout that, Marge?    Little ol' Stanley me.  Chuckles      Weakly "Stella. Stella!"  Laughs      Singing     Next!     Singing     Next!     Singing     Next!     Singing     Thank you for nothing.    You're all terrible!    What you ladies don't understand is that Blanche... is a delicate flower being trampled by an uncouth lout--     Sighs  Forget it! just strike the sets.    Clear the stage. This production is--    Homie, I didn't get the part.    You were right. Outside interests are stupid.    Wait a minute.     Groans  I'll come home right away.    All right. I'll pick up a bucket Of fried chicken, extra skin... rolls, chocolate cream parfait--     Gasps     Stop bothering my Blanche!    Oh!    I play an aging Southern beauty who's driven to insanity... by her brutish brother-in-law, Stanley.    Wow! My mother the actress.    I feel like Lucie Arnaz Luckinbill.    Are there any jive-talking robots in this play?    I don't think so.    Bart, don't ask stupid questions.    Is there any frontal nudity?    No, Homer.    My name is Helen Lovejoy, and I'll be playing Stella.    I am Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. I play Steve.    My name is "Ot-to!" I'm playing "Pab-lo!"    Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law.    I'm filing a class-action suit against the director... on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play.    I also play Mitch.    I'm Marge Simpson.    I'll be playing Blanche. I made some peanut butter brownies for everyone.    Well, would anyone else like a bite of banality?    I would.    Stanley--    Yeah?    You're pulsing with animal lust!    You take Blanche and you fling her roughly to the bed.    Roger-dodger.    Grr.    Aww, isn't that cute!    And me without a camera.    Here. My sister runs a day care center.    Hmm. I guess a few weeks wouldn't hurt her.    Maggie is allergic To strained pears... and she likes a bottle of warm milk before nap time.    A bottle?  Laughs     Mrs. Simpson, do you know what a baby's saying when she reaches for a bottle?    "Ba-ba?"    She's saying, "I am a leech."    Our aim here is to develop the bottle within.    That sounds awfully harsh.    Mrs. Simpson, I don't like to toot my own horn... but we're the only day care center in town... that's not currently under investigation by the state.    Oh. Well, be a good girl, Maggie.    I'm sorry, Maggie. We don't allow these here.    You're a dame and I'm a fella  Stanley, stop or I'll tell Stella    Passion, Mrs. Simpson. Anger.    This man disgusts you!    All I want is one embrace  I'll twist this bottle in your face    Mm. Mm. Mm!     Chuckles  Here, Marge, let me. Hate to be an armchair Blanche... but I always gave it one of these--    There. There's the ol' face-shredder.    Oh.    Mrs. Simpson, if you set out to push the bile to the tip of my throat... mission accomplished!    I'm, uh-- I'm gonna crawl into bed with a bottle of amaretto.    Good day.     Homer Easy, easy. Yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes-- D'oh!     Electronic Voice  7-1 0 split.    Homer, can you run some lines with me?    Make Bart do it.    It'll just take a sec.    Gutter ball!    D'oh!    You see, Marge, while you're Off in your own little world... you forgot that other people have problems too.     Sighs     Action Movie Theme     Objects Crashing     Don't like to nap, eh? We have a place for babies like you-- the box!    All right, let "ham-ateur" night in Dixie commence.    I'm sorry, Llewellyn, I just--    I just don't see why Blanche should shove a broken bottle in Stanley's face.    Couldn't she just take his abuse with gentle good humor?    Marge, your ride's here.    Homer, it'll just be a few minutes more!    You're a dame and I'm a fella  Stanley, stop or I'll tell Stella      Marge. Marge! I'm asking For white-hot rage... and you're giving me a hissy fit.    Marge, can I get some change for the candy machine?    Oh, here!     Clattering     Hey, there's some quarters in here.    I just don't see what's so bad about Stanley.     Grunting     Stanley is thoughtless, violent and loud.    Marge, every second you spend with this man... he is crushing your fragile spirit.    You can't let that happen.    Yelling    Whoo-hoo! Come to papa.    Marge, I'll be out in the car.    All I want is one embrace    Car Horn Honking    Marge, move it or lose it.    I'll twist this bottle in your face    Aaah!    Hallelujah! I've done it again!    Ned, you're supposed to overpower her.    I'm trying. I'm trying.  Straining     Salt me.     Southern Accent  Here you are, Homer.    What the-- Why are you talking like that?    The play's tomorrow night.  With Accent  I've got to stay in character.     With Accent  Would it help if I talked like this too?    It might.     Cockney Accent  An' I'll talk like 'is. Bob's yer uncle, mate.    That really doesn't help, Bart.    Big Daddy, would y'all mind passin' a lil' ol' biscuit?    Can I slog off school tomorrow? Got a pain in me gulliver.    I'm livin' in a cuckoo clock!    Oh, see you later, kids. I've got to go rehearse with Ned.    But, Marge, what about dessert?    For God's sakes, you can pull the lid off your own can of pudding!    Fine. I will!     Screeches  Oh, no.    My pudding is trapped forever!    So I can open my own can Of pudding, can I?    Shows what you know, Marge.    Marge!    Hey, Marge!    Keep yelling, you big ape.    Aren't you being a little hard on old Homie?    Oh, forget about him. Let's rehearse the bottle scene.    Oh! Let's not and say we did. Hmm?     Muttering Lines     So, what time does this play start?    Why? Are you going?    Well, I gotta go, don't I?    I'm sure you won't enjoy it. There's nothing about bowling in the play.    Oh, wait, there is.    Probably not much of it.    Why can't you be a little more supportive?    'Cause I don't care, okay? I can't fake an interest in this... and I'm an expert at faking an interest in your kooky projects.    What "kooky projects"?    You know, the painting class... the first aid course, the whole Lamaze thing.    Why didn't you tell me you felt this way?    You know I would never do anything to hurt your feelings.    Good night.  Snores      Groans     Playing nicely, little humans? Good, good.    Hello, Maggie. Poor little "dummard."    Action Movie Theme    Hey, kids! I'm flame-retardant.     Laughs     Footsteps Approaching     Gasps     If I break, buy a new one. Laughs    Shatters     Gasps      Squealing     Maggie, time to go to the-- Screeches     Loud Sucking      Shudders  Babies.    Perhaps we are all A little mad... we who don the cap and bells and tread beneath the proscenium arch.    But tonight, you will all be transformed from dead-eyed suburbanites... into white-hot grease fires of pure entertainment!    Except you. You're not working out.    I'll be playing your part.    Drag.    Murmuring    Piano: Intro    Long before the Superdome  Where the Saints of football play  Lived a city that the damned call home  Hear their hellish  Rondelet     Creaking     Orchestra    New Orleans  Home of pirates drunks and whores  New Orleans  Tacky, overpriced souvenir stores  If you wanna go to hell you should take that trip  To the Sodom and Gomorrah on the "Mississip"  New Orleans  Stinking, rotten "vomity" vile  New Orleans  Putrid, brackish maggoty, foul  New Orleans  Crummy, lousy rancid and rank  New Orleans    Woman: What's the matter, honey? Are you lost?    Marge: I'm lookin' for my sister, Stella.    Lisa: It's Mom!    Huh?    My name is Blanche DuBois.    Jazz    I thought my life would be a Mardi Gras  A never-ending party    Ha!    I'm a faded Southern dame  Without a dime    I'm collecting for the Evening Star.    Come here. I want to kiss you... just once, softly and sweetly on your mouth.    Orchestra    I am just a simple paperboy  No romance do I seek  I just wanted 40 cents  For my deliveries last week  Will this bewitching floozy  Seduce this humble newsie  Oh, what's a paperboy to  Do  Ends    Whoo-hoo!    Orchestra    Stella!    Stella!    Can't you hear me yell-a  You're puttin' me through hell-a  Stella    Stella!    Oh! Oh!    Cool. She can fly.    I think it's supposed to symbolize her descent into madness.    Oh! Oh! Oh!    Fades    Whoever you are, I have always depended... on the kindness of strangers.    Orchestra    You can always depend on the kindness of strangers  To buck up your spirits and shield you from dangers  Now here's a tip from Blanche you won't regret  A stranger's just a friend you haven't met  You haven't met    Streetcar!    Ends    Yea!    Ah!  Chuckles      Together Yea!    You people out there, you're the stars.    Cool!    Hey, look at me. I'm Blanche DuBois.    Mom!     Grunts     Way to go, Mom!    Everybody was cheering for you!    Almost everybody.    Kids, wait in the car.    I want to talk to your mother about this play thing.     With Accent  Lookin' for a spot off un with the missus, hey, guv'nor?    Shut up, boy. Marge, you were terrific.    Oh, come on, Homer. By the end, you were so bored... you could barely keep your selfish head up.    I wasn't bored. I was sad.    It really got to me how that lady, uh, um--    You know which one I mean. You played her.    Blanche.    Yeah. How Blanche was sad.    And how that guy Stanley should have been nice to her.    Yeah? Go on.    I mean, it made me feel bad.    The poor thing ends up being hauled to the nuthouse... when all she needed was for that big slob to show her some respect.    Well, at least that's what I thought.    I have a history of missing the point of stuff like this.    No, Homer, you got it just right.    Hey, you know, I'm a lot like that guy.    Really?    Yeah, like when I pick my teeth with the mail and stuff.    Well, maybe just a little.     People Chattering     Shh!
Let go! Let go!    I'm all naked and wet!    Get up, Homer. It's time for church.    I don't wanna go.    It's church. You have to go.    Too cold out.    I'm tired of having this argument every Sunday. Get dressed.    Oh, stupid, itchy church pants.     Grunting     One size fits all, my butt!    Come on. We're going to be late.    Pants Tearing    Forget it. I'm not going.     Growls     Hey, where's Homer?    Your father's... resting.    "Resting" hungover, "resting" got fired? Help me out here.    Ahhh, I'm just a big, toasty cinnamon bun.    I never wanna leave this bed.    Uh-oh. Gotta take a whiz.    Think, man. Think.    Think, think, think. I better get up.    I'm whizzin' with the door open, and I love it.     Singing      Blubbering     Man: It's I 1 K-BBL degrees below zero.    I hope you're someplace warm.    You bet your sweet... a*s!    I'm afraid our furnace isn't working.    Man: Yeah, what's the story?    But let's just put it out of our minds... and turn to the lamentations of Jeremiah... long version.    "Joy is gone from our hearts... our dancing has turned to mourning. '"    Rock And Roll    Girls Singing     Singing     The perfect chance to make my patented, space-age... out-of-this-world moon waffles.    Let's see here.    Caramels. Waffle batter.    Liquid smoke.    Oooh, waffle runoff.    Mmm, fattening.    And he was cast into the fiery cauldron of hell!    The searing heat... the scalding rivers of molten sulfur!    Ahhh, I'm there.    Uh-oh.  Whistling     Here, boy.    Okay, okay, okay, okay.    The service has ended. Go in peace.    Pipe Organ     Grunting     The door's frozen shut, and it's the only way out!     Chattering     Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be--    Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place.    Man On Radio That was Johnny Calhoun with...    "Gonna Find Mea Genie With a Magic Bikini. '"    Man 2 Johnny's next record was a spoken word album of his right-wing political views.    It k*lled his career. If you can tell me the name Of that album, call our contest line now.     Gasps  I know that!     Line Ringing     Hello. This is Homer Simpson.     Man  Homer, can you name that title?    "This Things I Believe."     Man 2  Uh, can we accept that?     Cash Register Ringing     Whoo-hoo!    How's that door coming, Willy?    Miracles are your department, Reverend.    Uh, while we're waiting, Why don't I read from the Sunday bulletin?    Card table for sale. Top badly damaged. Leg missing.    Otherwise fine. One dollar or best offer.     Woman On TV You must be the three chiropractors I sent for.    Now, start manipulating my spine.    Curly: Hey, Moe, we don't know nothin' about manipulatin.    Moe: You heard the lady. Grab her spine and get crackin.    Punch Landing     Chuckling  Moe is their leader.    Curly Whooping    Moe: Why, you!    Punch Landing    Curly: Hey!     Grunting  Huzzah!    Plea-Please, Christians, don't push.    Excuse me. Pardon me. Whoop. Coming through. Howya doing? Love that hat, baby.    Come on,  TV. Give me some of that sweet, sweet pap.    Well, let's define our terms, gentlemen.    Are we talking about redistricting or are we talking about reapportionment?    Oh, well, can't win 'em all.     Man  We interrupt this public affairs program to bring you a football game.    Yes!     Whistle Blowing      Engine Not Turning Over    Marge lmitating Engine     Imitating Engine     Give it a little more gas.    Pedal Banging    No, no, that's too much. You know what I think would help?    What? What would help?    Nothing.    Oh, doctor. A 98-yard triple reverse... ties the score at 63-63.    We have seen nothing but razzle-dazzle here today... three visits from Morganna the Kissing Bandit... and the astonishing return of Jim Brown.    Whoo-hoo!    Is that what I think it is?    Mm-hmm.    I found... a penny!    Could this be the best day of my life?     Laughing     Looks like we have a new champion.    Ah, my beloved family.    How was church?     Muttering      Snorting     I, on the other hand, have been having the best day of my life... and I owe it all to skipping church.    That's a terrible thing to say! Kids, your father doesn't really mean that.      Like fun I don't. Marge, I'm never going to church again!    Homer, are you actually giving up your faith?    No. No, no, no, no, no, no.    Well, yes.    I can't believe you're giving up church, Homer.    Hey, what's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday?    I mean, isn't God everywhere?    Amen, brother.    And don't you think that the Almighty has better things to worry about... than where one little guy spends one measly hour of his week?    Tell it, Daddy.    And what if we pick the wrong religion?    Every week we're just making God madder and madder.    Testify!     Groaning     Lord, my husband is by no means perfect... but he's a kind, decent man.    Please show him the error of his ways.    Marge, come to bed.    No, Homer.    He doesn't mean to be sacrilegious, Lord.    He just likes to sleep in on Sundays.    Marge. Come to bed, Marge.     Whispering  Lord, please. He's not a bad person, Lord, really.    It's good for what ails ya.    He doesn't mean any harm.    I can wait all--     Snoring     Rumbling     Gasps      Static Humming      Gulps     God?    Thou has forsaken my church!    Well, kind of, but--    But what?    I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids.    So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?    Hmm, you've got a point there.    You know, sometimes... even I'd rather be watching football.    Does St. Louis still have a team?    No, they moved to Phoenix.    Oh, yeah.    You know what I really hate about church? Those boring sermons.    Oh, I couldn't agree more.    That Reverend Lovejoy really displeases me.    I think I'll give him a canker sore.    Give him one for me.    I will.    So I figure I should just try to live right--  Purring  and worship you in my own way.    Homer, it's a deal.    Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to appear on a tortilla in Mexico.    Dad, can I ask you a question?    Sure, honey.    Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy?    Don't worry, sweetheart. If I'm wrong, I'll recant on my deathbed.    Hello, my animal friends. Peace be with you.    Guys, please, could you give me five minutes?    Reverend Lovejoy, I had a bit Of an ulterior motive in inviting you to dinner.     Shouts  What?    No, it's nothing bad.    I'm just concerned because my husband hasn't been attending your services lately.    Well, I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing... but then God himself told me I should seek a new path.    Oh, really?    Yeah. He appeared before me in a dream... and I knew that was special because I usually dream about naked... Marge.     Groans     So, Homer, you saw the big cheese?    What'd he look like?    Perfect teeth, nice smell, a class act all the way.    Homer, you're crazy! Tell him this is all crazy.    Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26.    The foolish man who built his house on sand.    And you remember...    Matthew 21 :1 7.    "And he left them and went out of the city into Bethany and he lodged there"?    Yeah. Think about it.    Hello, work? This is Homer Simpson.    I won't be coming in tomorrow. Religious holiday.    The, uh, Feast of Maximum Occupancy.    Pretty slick.    You should join my religion, Moe.    It's great. No hell, no kneeling--    Sorry, Homer. I was born a snake handler, and I'll die a snake handler.    Doorbell Rings    Neighbor, I heard about your heresy... and we've made it our mission to win you back to the flock.    No sale.    Homer, Christian life isn't all praying and sacrifice.    Hey, dig this.     Singing Religious Song        Snoring     Phone Ringing     Flanders Family Singing      Singing     Leave me alone.    Dad, the heathen's getting away.    I see him, son.     Crossing Bells Dinging      Horn Blaring      Screams      Chuckles     Where we going?    Garbage lsland.     Horn Blaring     Huh?     Screaming      Cheering     Let's go, kids.    How come we have to go to church and Dad gets to stay home and watch cartoons?     Groans     I have a responsibility to raise these children right.    And unless you change, I'll have to tell them their father is... well, wicked.      Kids, let me tell you about another so-called "wicked" guy.    He had long hair and some wild ideas... and he didn't always do what other people thought was right.    And that man's name was--    I forget. But the point is--    I forget that too. Marge, you know who I'm talking about.    He used to drive that blue car.    Kids, could you wait outside for us?    Homer, please don't make me choose between my man and my god... because you just can't win.    There you go again. Always taking someone else's side--    Flanders, the water department, God.    I'm only going to ask you one last time.    Are you sure you won't come with us to church?     Man On TV Coming up next: make your own ladder.    Very sure.    My friends, the devil walks among us!     Chattering     I got him!    No, don't look for the pitchfork and pointy tail.    Today's devil has assumed a more seductive form... pleasing to the eye.    Oooh, a interview with Lorne Michaels.    Oooh. Wait. That's no good.    Hey, now we're talking.    "Our unabashed dictionary defines I.U.D. as...    "love springs internal."'    I don't get it.    Doorbell Chimes    Hello.    I'm collecting for the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns.    Last year, tornadoes claimed the lives of75Jewish clowns.      The worst incident was during our convention in Lubbock, Texas.    There were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere.    It was terrible.  Sobbing     Wait a minute. Is this a religious thing?    A religious clown thing, yes.    Sorry.    Well, bless you any--    Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy!    Apu, I see you're not in church.    Oh, but I am. I have a shrine to Ganesha... the god of worldly wisdom located in the employee lounge.    Hey, Ganesha, want a peanut?    Please do not offer my god a peanut.    No offense, Apu, but when they were handing out religions... you must've been out taking a whiz.    Mr. Simpson, please pay for your purchases and get out and come again.    Pride goeth before destruction!    Boy, everyone is stupid except me.    Snoring    Marge, turn down the heat.    That's better.     Snoring      Sniffing, Whines      Growling      Screams  Fire! What do I do? What do I do?     Coughing     Oh, the song, the song.     Singing     D'oh!  Coughing     Apu Gasps Fire at the old Simpson place!    You're on your honor not to steal anything.    Oh, we won't.    Little Jamshed, the store is in your hands.    How I have waited for this day.     Cocks Shotgun      Siren Wailing      Quacking     You ducks are really trying my patience!    But you're so cute.    Homer. Homer!    No!     Homer Moans     Dear Lord, may your loving hand guide Homer to the mattress, square and true.    Okay.    Siren Wailing     Coughing     Flanders, you saved me.    Why?    Heck, you'd have done the same for me.    Help! Help!     Laughing     That's right, old friend.     Bart, Lisa  Dad!    Oh, Homie, are you all right?    Our magazines and roach traps, gone. All gone.     Cat Screeching     I saved your cat. Ow! That hurt.    Hey, what are these axes for?    I don't know. Chopping stuff.    Gotcha.    Uh, that's some nice chopping.    Truly, this was an act of God.    Hey, wait a minute. Flanders is a regular Charlie Church... and God didn't save his house.    D'oh!    Any valuables in the house?    Well, the Picasso, my collection of classic cars--    Sorry. This policy only covers actual losses, not made-up stuff.    Well, that's just great.    Fire, man's oldest foe.    Insatiable, remorseless, unquenchable.    Hey, it's out.     Cheering     Coming up next, which work better-- springy clothespins or the other kind?    You know, I have a feeling there's a lesson here.    Yes, the lesson is--    No, don't tell me. I'll get it.    Oh, I know. The Lord is vengeful.    O Spiteful One, show me who to smite, and they shall be "smoten."    Homer, God didn't Set your house on fire.    No, but he was working in the hearts Of your friends and neighbors... when they went to your aid... be they Christian, Jew or... miscellaneous.    Hindu. There are 700 million of us.    Aw, that's super.    I was rude to every one of you.    And you saved my life when you could have just left me to fry... like the proverbial pancake that I am.    Oh, Homey, I'm so glad to hear you say that.    Now, would you give church another try?    I'll be there next Sunday, front row, center.     Snoring Loudly    Harp    Don't feel bad, Homer. Nine out often religions fail in their first year.    That's game, Hendrix!    God, I gotta ask you something. What's the meaning of life?    Homer, I can't tell you that.    Come on.    You'll find out when you die.    I can't wait that long.    You can't wait six months?    No, tell me now.    Well, okay.    Well, okay.    The meaning of life is--
Principal Skinner, "The Happiest Place on Earth'... is a registered Disneyland copyright.    Well, gentlemen, it's just a small school carnival.    And it's heading for a great big lawsuit.    You made a big mistake, Skinner.    Well, so did you.    You got an ex-Green Beret mad.     Groaning, Gagging      Gasps      Groans     Copyright expired.    And... begin!    This sucks.    Aah!    Ha-ha!    Pick the red, get ahead. Pick the black, set you back.    Hmm. I don't recall authorizing this booth.    Good-bye, gentlemen.     All Gasp      Coughing     Get your haggis right here!    Chopped heart and lungs... boiled in a wee sheep's stomach!    Tastes as good as it sounds!    Good for what ails ya!     Mutters, Groans     I'd say... 53 years old and 420 pounds.    Ha-ha, you lose! 36 and 239.    Hmm.    Rock Over P.A.    Hey, Otto-man, I dare you to make this go faster.    Ooh! Challenge accepted!    Continues    I'll be in Mexico till this thing blows over.    Spectators Gasping     Yelling, Shouting     Oh, boy! A "spookhouse"!    Hand over all your money.    Milhouse Grunts    Was it scary?    Uh-huh.    Ooh, baby.    Uh-oh.    So, girlie, you like roller-skating?    No.    Yeah, everybody loves roller-skating.    Okay, you can turn around now.     Gasps     Spectators Laughing    Oh, my God! I'm ugly!    Now, in a moment, we'll be raffling of four grand prize-- a ride on the famous Duff Beer blimp!    A ride on the Duff blimp.    You see the circular pattern on those fields?    That's from central-pivot irrigation.    Wow.    Now let's see what's happening at the Super Bowl.     Crowd Cheering      Crowd Chanting  Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer!     Chanting Stops     Man: Oops. Sorry.     Chanting Continues  Homer! Homer! Homer!     Softly Homer! Homer! Homer!    But first, our second-prize winner... and the recipient of this handsome shoe buffer--    Ned Flanders!     Gasps  Ah!    Man: Go, Ned!    Oh, it's no fair.    We'll never have a buffer.    We have one at home.    You never use it.    Well, I want that one.    And the winner of the blimp ride is...    Homer Simpson!    Oh, my God!     Whimpers      Singing      Sobbing     Honey, what's wrong?    Dad, do you think I'm ugly?    What are you talking about?     Chuckling     Oh, Lisa, this isn't real.    It's just how you might look If you were a cartoon character.    I'm an ugmo.    Now, that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear.    Fathers have to say that stuff.    Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?    No! You're homely as a mule's butt!    There. See?    I'd like to be alone, please.     Sobbing     Moe, have you ever felt unattractive?    Mmm, no.    How about you, Barney?    Not for a second.  Belches     Yeah. I need help.    Together Whee! Whee!    Whee! Whee!    Whee!    I guess every father thinks his daughter is the cutest.    Well, now there's a way to prove it.    Wow, President of Laramie Cigarettes, jack Larson!    This year, Laramie is sponsoring... the Little Miss Springfield Pageant.    You see, government regulations prohibit us from advertising on TV.     Inhales, Exhales  Ahh.    That sweet Carolina smoke.    But they can't prohibit us from holding a beauty pageant... for little girls age seven to nine.    Lisa's age seven to nine!    Your daughter could be crowned Little Miss Springfield by our host... the maitre d' of glee, Krusty the Clown!    I heartily endorse this event or product.    What a feeling! I'm as happy as a smoker... taking that first puff in the morning.    That could be Lisa!    The Little Miss Springfield Pageant.    Only $250 to enter.    Oh!    Hey, Barney, will you give me 250 bucks for this blimp ticket?    Sure!     Gasps  Where'd you get all the money?    From some scientist.    Since they stopped testing on animals... a guy like me can really clean up.     Gulping     I'm hideous.    Lisa, I know a song that will cheer you up.     Singing     So you think I'm ugly?    No!    No, I meant you were one Of the good-looking ducks... that makes fun of the ugly one.    Lisa, if you could have one wish, what would it be?    To shut myself off from the world and never be seen by human eyes again.    Was your second wish to be entered in the Little Miss Springfield Pageant?    What are you talking about?    I sent in an application for you.    I couldn't find a big enough photo, so I sent in... that funny drawing of you on roller skates.    How could you? I won't do it!     Sobbing     Homer, Lisa's already sensitive about her looks.    This is the last thing she needs.    But I think she'll win.    Dad, have you seen the girls they have in those contests?    Hubba, hubba!  Panting      Howling     Hey, nobody's prettier than my little girl.    You're looking at her through a father's eyes.    Well, if I could gouge out somebody else's eyes... and shove them into my sockets, I would.    But to me, she's beautiful.    That is so sweet.    Honey, no one's going to force you to do anything.    But do you know how your father got the money to enter you in this pageant?    Nope.    He sold his ride on the Duff blimp.    But that ride meant everything to him!     Singing Sadly    I'll do it.    Did you see Tina Epstein?    Whoa!    If you're gonna binge, you'd better purge. Uh-oh.    Amber Dempsey.    In the same week... she was Pork Princess and Little Miss Kosher.    She's beautiful.    Wait.    She's about to bring out the big g*ns.    Eyelash implants.    I thought those were illegal.    Not in Paraguay.    There's no way I can beat this girl.    She's the Jack Nicklaus Of the pageant circuit.    Oh, I don't know that she's as attractive as Jack Nicklaus.     Humming     I meant because they both win all the time, Mom.    Oh. Well, yes. That's what I meant too.    Well, tell you what. This afternoon...    I'll take you to the beauty parlor and show you just how lovely you can be.    And later, I'll teach you the tricks of the trade-- taping your swimsuit to your butt... petroleum jelly on your teeth for that frictionless smile... and the ancient art of padding.     Purring     Are we done?    We are just warming up.    Oh, isn't this dangerous?    Don't worry. I am well protected.    Boy, when Lisa comes in, I want you to make a big fuss over how she looks.    She'll see through me like Grandma's underpants.    No, she won't. When it comes to compliments... women are ravenous, bloodsucking monsters... always wanting more, more, more!    And if you give it to 'em, you'll get plenty back in return.    Like what?    I'll tell you when you're older.     Chuckling     Door Slams Shut     Gasps  Is that Lisa?    Ooh, I gotta call heaven. There's an angel missing.    And who's your little school friend?    Wait a minute. That's Mom!    Oh, my goodness! How gallant!    Isn't that nice? Thank you.    I know two fellas who are gonna get a special dinner tonight.    Hey, hey!    Whoo-hoo!    Dad, you know anything else about women?    Nope, that's it.    Hey, brush-head, you've been nursing that thing for an hour.    You know, I was just wondering how someone who works at an ice cream store... keeps such a trim figure.    I've misjudged you.     Piano      Piano     I said step, pause, turn, pause, pivot, step, step... not step, pause, turn, pause, pivot, step, pause!    Ooh! Shudder!    And the winner is... Lisa Simpson!     Gasps     Okay, wipe away a tear.    Hug the loser.    And now, for your triumphant walk down the runway.    Whoa! Ooh! Aah!    It's hopeless!    There's nothin' to it. Give me those heels.    Heel, toe, heel, toe, heel, toe. Hmm.    Do you really think I can win?    Hey, I'm starting to think I can win.    But those other girls are prettier than me.    Lise, as your brother... this is the hardest thing I've every had to say.    You're not ugly.    Oh, Bart!    Up-tempo       Talking Over Music  Out on our own! Making it work!    Gasping for air! Having it all!    My name is Amber Dempsey, and when I grow up I want to be a sweetie pie.    Applause    I am Pahasatira Nahasapeemapetilon... and tonight I will be playing "Mac Arthur Park" on the tabla.     Laughing     No, I am serious.    Yes! Judges, there's your queen.    Who's watching the Kwik-E-Mart?     Both Gasp      Grunting      Laughing     My name is Lisa Simpson, and I want to be Little Miss Springfield... so I can make our town a better place!    Yeah! Clean up this stink-hole!     Panting, Grunts     Krusty! About time you got here.    Yeah, yeah. What is this-- the, uh, Republican fund-raiser?    Checking it out! Hitting the heights!    Making a wish! Dreaming a dream!     Singing      All  Me!    Ends    Oh, that brisket's not sittin' right.     Singing      Snoring     Oh, that just kept goin', huh?    And now here's... Lisa Simpson!    They'll love you just as much as I do.    Thanks, Dad.    Mmm.    Some people say that to love your country is old-fashioned... uncool, real melvin.    Well, to them I say--     Singing Patriotic Song     One, two, three, four!  Singing Rock And Roll Song     Cheering     This is my favorite part Of the pageant, because--    What does that say? Oh.    It gives me a chance to visit with the girls personality.    Uh, personally.    Amber, do you think the Bill of Rights... is a good thing or a bad thing?    Um--    Take your time, dear.    Good thing.     All Fawning     And now it's time to name our runner-up... who, if the winner doesn't fulfill her duties--  Muttering lncoherently    And don't say it'll never happen... because we all remember that thing with what's-her-name.    Click, click. You know.    Okay, the runner-up is...     Groans     Cymbal Crash    Lisa Simpson!    Which means Amber Dempsey is the new Little Miss Springfield!    Applause    Orchestra     Singing     Coming up next, a new fad that's sweeping the nation-- wasting food.    But first, let's join the new Little Miss Springfield, Amber Dempsey... as she helps open the Danish super-chain "Shop."    Scott, everyone is here... from the mayor's illegitimate son to our own Duff blimp.    Hi. Can I drive?    Well, I can't see the harm.    Barney Yelling    Oh, the humanity! Anyway... to turn on the store's "severe tire damage" spikes, here's Little Miss Springfield.    Fanfare    Oh, dear. It would be a shame If that pretty dress got wet.    I'd say the greater danger is her scepter acting as a lightning rod.    Unless it's made out of plastic.     Thunderclap     Nope. Metal.    Ladies and gentlemen, Little Miss Springfield has been struck by lightning.    Man: Doctor, what is Amber's condition?    Oh, she'll be fine. In fact... she's already won the Little Miss lntensive Care Pageant.    Congratulations, Lisa. You're the new Little Miss Springfield.    Here's your scepter. Oop!  Laughing  just kidding.    Here you go. Oop!  Laughing  just kidding.     Yelling     I deserved that.    That doesn't look like her body.    The torso used to be Dr. Ruth.    Her head is on a pike in the Chamber of Horrors.    Wolf Howling    Wolf Whistles    Hi, fellas.    Love that "chewing gum" walk.    Very Wrigley.    As Little Miss Springfield, it's my pleasure to welcome you to America... the land of opportunity.    Actually, they're being deported.     Minor Key    Man Over P.A. And now, let's give a big Fort Springfield welcome... to Mr. Bob Hope!    What's the mayor's name?    Quimby.    Beautiful.    Orchestra    Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope.    Ends    Hey, how about that Mayor Quimby?    He's some golfer! His golfball spends more time underwater than Greg Louganis.     Howling Laughter    And now, I wanna show you what you're fighting for, if there was a w*r on.    Little Miss Springfield.    Isn't she beautiful?    Little Miss Springfield?    First, Tony Randall cancels. Now this.     Yelling, Shouting     Hey, what gives here? This is bogus! Hey!    Where do you think you're goin'? We want Miss Springfield!    Hey, set me down at that boat show.    I'm gonna be riding on a pack of cigarettes?    Mm-hmm. We think you're the perfect spokesmodel for Laramies.    It's part of our new campaign.    Mmm, classy.     Gasps     You see, Lisa, it's been an unlucky year for Laramie.    A lot of the people who smoke our product have been... well, dying.    And we need young smokers to take their place.    I don't wanna be a spokesperson for a cigarette company!    But you're a role model To young people.    And we're thinking of retiring Menthol Moose.     Coughs, Spits     Bless you, boys.    Homer, those are ice cream men.    I know.     Gasps     Stop this float!     Tires Screech     What's the holdup? Go!    I'm tired of being a corporate shill.     Grunts     From now on, I will speak out... against the evils in society... from dog-napping to cigarettes.    Lisa: Before I sing the national anthem...    I'd like to say that college football... diverts funds badly needed for education and the arts.    Is that true?    Let's get 'em!     Grunting     Let's get out of here!     Grunting Continues     Gentlemen, we need to get Lisa Simpson out... and Amber Dempsey back in.    But this glorified, crossing-guard-of-a-police Chief won't get off his big fat can.    Is it okay if I open these potato chips?     Groans     Gentlemen, our prayers have been answered.    Take a look at our Little Miss Springfield's pageant application.    Roxy, bring in a bottle of champagne.    Yeah, and some dip for these chips or somethin'.    Lisa Simpson is no longer Little Miss Springfield.    She was stripped of her crown in a ceremony earlier today.    Well, that's obviously the wrong footage.    Uh, but it does seem the father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson... filled out the pageant application incorrectly.    In the area under "Do not write in this space," he wrote, "Okay."    If it wasn't for me, you'd still be queen.    You must hate me.    Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant?    I don't know. Was I drunk?    Possibly.    But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself, and I do.    Really?    Uh-huh.    Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life?    It's a deal.    And now, my exclusive interview with His Holiness, Pope John Paul I.    That's it. I cannot work under these conditions.    If anybody wants me, I'll be downstairs at McDougal's.    Call the weekend guy. I don't care.
