From 9093b91f7e252b96c69cfc0d90e95750c7b0775e Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Nikole McGregor <n.mcgregor@mail.utoronto.ca>
Date: Thu, 10 Jul 2025 21:00:00 +0000
Subject: [PATCH] Upload files to "The_Simpsons"

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+Let go! Let go!
+
+I'm all naked and wet!
+
+Get up, Homer. It's time for church.
+
+I don't wanna go.
+
+It's church. You have to go.
+
+Too cold out.
+
+I'm tired of having this argument every Sunday. Get dressed.
+
+Oh, stupid, itchy church pants.
+
+[ Grunting ]
+
+One size fits all, my butt!
+
+Come on. We're going to be late.
+
+[Pants Tearing]
+
+Forget it. I'm not going.
+
+[ Growls ]
+
+Hey, where's Homer?
+
+Your father's... resting.
+
+"Resting" hungover, "resting" got fired? Help me out here.
+
+Ahhh, I'm just a big, toasty cinnamon bun.
+
+I never wanna leave this bed.
+
+Uh-oh. Gotta take a whiz.
+
+Think, man. Think.
+
+Think, think, think. I better get up.
+
+I'm whizzin' with the door open, and I love it.
+
+♪ [ Singing ]
+
+[ Blubbering ]
+
+Man: It's I 1 K-BBL degrees below zero.
+
+I hope you're someplace warm.
+
+You bet your sweet... a*s!
+
+I'm afraid our furnace isn't working.
+
+Man: Yeah, what's the story?
+
+But let's just put it out of our minds... and turn to the lamentations of Jeremiah... long version.
+
+"Joy is gone from our hearts... our dancing has turned to mourning. '"
+
+♪ [Rock And Roll]
+
+♪ [Girls Singing]
+
+♪ [ Singing ]
+
+The perfect chance to make my patented, space-age... out-of-this-world moon waffles.
+
+Let's see here.
+
+Caramels. Waffle batter.
+
+Liquid smoke.
+
+Oooh, waffle runoff.
+
+Mmm, fattening.
+
+And he was cast into the fiery cauldron of hell!
+
+The searing heat... the scalding rivers of molten sulfur!
+
+Ahhh, I'm there.
+
+Uh-oh. [ Whistling ]
+
+Here, boy.
+
+Okay, okay, okay, okay.
+
+The service has ended. Go in peace.
+
+♪ [Pipe Organ]
+
+[ Grunting ]
+
+The door's frozen shut, and it's the only way out!
+
+[ Chattering ]
+
+Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be--
+
+Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place.
+
+[Man On Radio] That was Johnny Calhoun with...
+
+"Gonna Find Mea Genie With a Magic Bikini. '"
+
+[Man 2] Johnny's next record was a spoken word album of his right-wing political views.
+
+It k*lled his career. If you can tell me the name Of that album, call our contest line now.
+
+[ Gasps ] I know that!
+
+[ Line Ringing ]
+
+Hello. This is Homer Simpson.
+
+[ Man ] Homer, can you name that title?
+
+"This Things I Believe."
+
+[ Man 2 ] Uh, can we accept that?
+
+[ Cash Register Ringing ]
+
+Whoo-hoo!
+
+How's that door coming, Willy?
+
+Miracles are your department, Reverend.
+
+Uh, while we're waiting, Why don't I read from the Sunday bulletin?
+
+Card table for sale. Top badly damaged. Leg missing.
+
+Otherwise fine. One dollar or best offer.
+
+[ Woman On TV] You must be the three chiropractors I sent for.
+
+Now, start manipulating my spine.
+
+Curly: Hey, Moe, we don't know nothin' about manipulatin.
+
+Moe: You heard the lady. Grab her spine and get crackin.
+
+[Punch Landing]
+
+[ Chuckling ] Moe is their leader.
+
+[Curly Whooping]
+
+Moe: Why, you!
+
+[Punch Landing]
+
+Curly: Hey!
+
+[ Grunting ] Huzzah!
+
+Plea-Please, Christians, don't push.
+
+Excuse me. Pardon me. Whoop. Coming through. Howya doing? Love that hat, baby.
+
+Come on,  TV. Give me some of that sweet, sweet pap.
+
+Well, let's define our terms, gentlemen.
+
+Are we talking about redistricting or are we talking about reapportionment?
+
+Oh, well, can't win 'em all.
+
+[ Man ] We interrupt this public affairs program to bring you a football game.
+
+Yes!
+
+[ Whistle Blowing ]
+
+[ Engine Not Turning Over]
+
+[Marge lmitating Engine]
+
+[ Imitating Engine ]
+
+Give it a little more gas.
+
+[Pedal Banging]
+
+No, no, that's too much. You know what I think would help?
+
+What? What would help?
+
+Nothing.
+
+Oh, doctor. A 98-yard triple reverse... ties the score at 63-63.
+
+We have seen nothing but razzle-dazzle here today... three visits from Morganna the Kissing Bandit... and the astonishing return of Jim Brown.
+
+Whoo-hoo!
+
+Is that what I think it is?
+
+Mm-hmm.
+
+I found... a penny!
+
+Could this be the best day of my life?
+
+[ Laughing ]
+
+Looks like we have a new champion.
+
+Ah, my beloved family.
+
+How was church?
+
+[ Muttering ]
+
+[ Snorting ]
+
+I, on the other hand, have been having the best day of my life... and I owe it all to skipping church.
+
+That's a terrible thing to say! Kids, your father doesn't really mean that.
+
+
+
+Like fun I don't. Marge, I'm never going to church again!
+
+Homer, are you actually giving up your faith?
+
+No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
+
+Well, yes.
+
+I can't believe you're giving up church, Homer.
+
+Hey, what's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday?
+
+I mean, isn't God everywhere?
+
+Amen, brother.
+
+And don't you think that the Almighty has better things to worry about... than where one little guy spends one measly hour of his week?
+
+Tell it, Daddy.
+
+And what if we pick the wrong religion?
+
+Every week we're just making God madder and madder.
+
+Testify!
+
+[ Groaning ]
+
+Lord, my husband is by no means perfect... but he's a kind, decent man.
+
+Please show him the error of his ways.
+
+Marge, come to bed.
+
+No, Homer.
+
+He doesn't mean to be sacrilegious, Lord.
+
+He just likes to sleep in on Sundays.
+
+Marge. Come to bed, Marge.
+
+[ Whispering ] Lord, please. He's not a bad person, Lord, really.
+
+It's good for what ails ya.
+
+He doesn't mean any harm.
+
+I can wait all--
+
+[ Snoring ]
+
+[Rumbling]
+
+[ Gasps ]
+
+[ Static Humming ]
+
+[ Gulps ]
+
+God?
+
+Thou has forsaken my church!
+
+Well, kind of, but--
+
+But what?
+
+I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids.
+
+So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?
+
+Hmm, you've got a point there.
+
+You know, sometimes... even I'd rather be watching football.
+
+Does St. Louis still have a team?
+
+No, they moved to Phoenix.
+
+Oh, yeah.
+
+You know what I really hate about church? Those boring sermons.
+
+Oh, I couldn't agree more.
+
+That Reverend Lovejoy really displeases me.
+
+I think I'll give him a canker sore.
+
+Give him one for me.
+
+I will.
+
+So I figure I should just try to live right-- [ Purring ] and worship you in my own way.
+
+Homer, it's a deal.
+
+Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to appear on a tortilla in Mexico.
+
+Dad, can I ask you a question?
+
+Sure, honey.
+
+Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy?
+
+Don't worry, sweetheart. If I'm wrong, I'll recant on my deathbed.
+
+Hello, my animal friends. Peace be with you.
+
+Guys, please, could you give me five minutes?
+
+Reverend Lovejoy, I had a bit Of an ulterior motive in inviting you to dinner.
+
+[ Shouts ] What?
+
+No, it's nothing bad.
+
+I'm just concerned because my husband hasn't been attending your services lately.
+
+Well, I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing... but then God himself told me I should seek a new path.
+
+Oh, really?
+
+Yeah. He appeared before me in a dream... and I knew that was special because I usually dream about naked... Marge.
+
+[ Groans ]
+
+So, Homer, you saw the big cheese?
+
+What'd he look like?
+
+Perfect teeth, nice smell, a class act all the way.
+
+Homer, you're crazy! Tell him this is all crazy.
+
+Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26.
+
+The foolish man who built his house on sand.
+
+And you remember...
+
+Matthew 21 :1 7.
+
+"And he left them and went out of the city into Bethany and he lodged there"?
+
+Yeah. Think about it.
+
+Hello, work? This is Homer Simpson.
+
+I won't be coming in tomorrow. Religious holiday.
+
+The, uh, Feast of Maximum Occupancy.
+
+Pretty slick.
+
+You should join my religion, Moe.
+
+It's great. No hell, no kneeling--
+
+Sorry, Homer. I was born a snake handler, and I'll die a snake handler.
+
+[Doorbell Rings]
+
+Neighbor, I heard about your heresy... and we've made it our mission to win you back to the flock.
+
+No sale.
+
+Homer, Christian life isn't all praying and sacrifice.
+
+Hey, dig this.
+
+♪ [ Singing Religious Song ]
+
+
+
+[ Snoring ]
+
+[Phone Ringing]
+
+♪ [ Flanders Family Singing ]
+
+♪ [ Singing ]
+
+Leave me alone.
+
+Dad, the heathen's getting away.
+
+I see him, son.
+
+[ Crossing Bells Dinging ]
+
+[ Horn Blaring ]
+
+[ Screams ]
+
+[ Chuckles ]
+
+Where we going?
+
+Garbage lsland.
+
+[ Horn Blaring ]
+
+Huh?
+
+[ Screaming ]
+
+[ Cheering ]
+
+Let's go, kids.
+
+How come we have to go to church and Dad gets to stay home and watch cartoons?
+
+[ Groans ]
+
+I have a responsibility to raise these children right.
+
+And unless you change, I'll have to tell them their father is... well, wicked.
+
+
+
+Kids, let me tell you about another so-called "wicked" guy.
+
+He had long hair and some wild ideas... and he didn't always do what other people thought was right.
+
+And that man's name was--
+
+I forget. But the point is--
+
+I forget that too. Marge, you know who I'm talking about.
+
+He used to drive that blue car.
+
+Kids, could you wait outside for us?
+
+Homer, please don't make me choose between my man and my god... because you just can't win.
+
+There you go again. Always taking someone else's side--
+
+Flanders, the water department, God.
+
+I'm only going to ask you one last time.
+
+Are you sure you won't come with us to church?
+
+[ Man On TV] Coming up next: make your own ladder.
+
+Very sure.
+
+My friends, the devil walks among us!
+
+[ Chattering ]
+
+I got him!
+
+No, don't look for the pitchfork and pointy tail.
+
+Today's devil has assumed a more seductive form... pleasing to the eye.
+
+Oooh, a interview with Lorne Michaels.
+
+Oooh. Wait. That's no good.
+
+Hey, now we're talking.
+
+"Our unabashed dictionary defines I.U.D. as...
+
+"love springs internal."'
+
+I don't get it.
+
+[Doorbell Chimes]
+
+Hello.
+
+I'm collecting for the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns.
+
+Last year, tornadoes claimed the lives of75Jewish clowns.
+
+
+
+The worst incident was during our convention in Lubbock, Texas.
+
+There were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere.
+
+It was terrible. [ Sobbing ]
+
+Wait a minute. Is this a religious thing?
+
+A religious clown thing, yes.
+
+Sorry.
+
+Well, bless you any--
+
+Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy!
+
+Apu, I see you're not in church.
+
+Oh, but I am. I have a shrine to Ganesha... the god of worldly wisdom located in the employee lounge.
+
+Hey, Ganesha, want a peanut?
+
+Please do not offer my god a peanut.
+
+No offense, Apu, but when they were handing out religions... you must've been out taking a whiz.
+
+Mr. Simpson, please pay for your purchases and get out and come again.
+
+Pride goeth before destruction!
+
+Boy, everyone is stupid except me.
+
+[Snoring]
+
+Marge, turn down the heat.
+
+That's better.
+
+[ Snoring ]
+
+[ Sniffing, Whines ]
+
+[ Growling ]
+
+[ Screams ] Fire! What do I do? What do I do?
+
+[ Coughing ]
+
+Oh, the song, the song.
+
+♪ [ Singing ]
+
+D'oh! [ Coughing ]
+
+[Apu Gasps] Fire at the old Simpson place!
+
+You're on your honor not to steal anything.
+
+Oh, we won't.
+
+Little Jamshed, the store is in your hands.
+
+How I have waited for this day.
+
+[ Cocks Shotgun ]
+
+[ Siren Wailing ]
+
+[ Quacking ]
+
+You ducks are really trying my patience!
+
+But you're so cute.
+
+Homer. Homer!
+
+No!
+
+[ Homer Moans ]
+
+Dear Lord, may your loving hand guide Homer to the mattress, square and true.
+
+Okay.
+
+[Siren Wailing]
+
+[ Coughing ]
+
+Flanders, you saved me.
+
+Why?
+
+Heck, you'd have done the same for me.
+
+Help! Help!
+
+[ Laughing ]
+
+That's right, old friend.
+
+[ Bart, Lisa ] Dad!
+
+Oh, Homie, are you all right?
+
+Our magazines and roach traps, gone. All gone.
+
+[ Cat Screeching ]
+
+I saved your cat. Ow! That hurt.
+
+Hey, what are these axes for?
+
+I don't know. Chopping stuff.
+
+Gotcha.
+
+Uh, that's some nice chopping.
+
+Truly, this was an act of God.
+
+Hey, wait a minute. Flanders is a regular Charlie Church... and God didn't save his house.
+
+D'oh!
+
+Any valuables in the house?
+
+Well, the Picasso, my collection of classic cars--
+
+Sorry. This policy only covers actual losses, not made-up stuff.
+
+Well, that's just great.
+
+Fire, man's oldest foe.
+
+Insatiable, remorseless, unquenchable.
+
+Hey, it's out.
+
+[ Cheering ]
+
+Coming up next, which work better-- springy clothespins or the other kind?
+
+You know, I have a feeling there's a lesson here.
+
+Yes, the lesson is--
+
+No, don't tell me. I'll get it.
+
+Oh, I know. The Lord is vengeful.
+
+O Spiteful One, show me who to smite, and they shall be "smoten."
+
+Homer, God didn't Set your house on fire.
+
+No, but he was working in the hearts Of your friends and neighbors... when they went to your aid... be they Christian, Jew or... miscellaneous.
+
+Hindu. There are 700 million of us.
+
+Aw, that's super.
+
+I was rude to every one of you.
+
+And you saved my life when you could have just left me to fry... like the proverbial pancake that I am.
+
+Oh, Homey, I'm so glad to hear you say that.
+
+Now, would you give church another try?
+
+I'll be there next Sunday, front row, center.
+
+[ Snoring Loudly]
+
+♪ [Harp]
+
+Don't feel bad, Homer. Nine out often religions fail in their first year.
+
+That's game, Hendrix!
+
+God, I gotta ask you something. What's the meaning of life?
+
+Homer, I can't tell you that.
+
+Come on.
+
+You'll find out when you die.
+
+I can't wait that long.
+
+You can't wait six months?
+
+No, tell me now.
+
+Well, okay.
+
+Well, okay.
+
+The meaning of life is--
+
+Man: Principal Skinner, "The Happiest Place on Earth'... is a registered Disneyland copyright.
+
+Well, gentlemen, it's just a small school carnival.
+
+And it's heading for a great big lawsuit.
+
+You made a big mistake, Skinner.
+
+Well, so did you.
+
+You got an ex-Green Beret mad.
+
+[ Groaning, Gagging ]
+
+[ Gasps ]
+
+[ Groans ]
+
+Copyright expired.
+
+And... begin!
+
+This sucks.
+
+Aah!
+
+Ha-ha!
+
+Pick the red, get ahead. Pick the black, set you back.
+
+Hmm. I don't recall authorizing this booth.
+
+Good-bye, gentlemen.
+
+[ All Gasp ]
+
+[ Coughing ]
+
+Get your haggis right here!
+
+Chopped heart and lungs... boiled in a wee sheep's stomach!
+
+Tastes as good as it sounds!
+
+Good for what ails ya!
+
+[ Mutters, Groans ]
+
+I'd say... 53 years old and 420 pounds.
+
+Ha-ha, you lose! 36 and 239.
+
+Hmm.
+
+♪ [Rock Over P.A.]
+
+Hey, Otto-man, I dare you to make this go faster.
+
+Ooh! Challenge accepted!
+
+♪ [Continues]
+
+I'll be in Mexico till this thing blows over.
+
+[Spectators Gasping]
+
+[ Yelling, Shouting ]
+
+Oh, boy! A "spookhouse"!
+
+Hand over all your money.
+
+[Milhouse Grunts]
+
+Was it scary?
+
+Uh-huh.
+
+Ooh, baby.
+
+Uh-oh.
+
+So, girlie, you like roller-skating?
+
+No.
+
+Yeah, everybody loves roller-skating.
+
+Okay, you can turn around now.
+
+[ Gasps ]
+
+[Spectators Laughing]
+
+Oh, my God! I'm ugly!
+
+Now, in a moment, we'll be raffling of four grand prize-- a ride on the famous Duff Beer blimp!
+
+A ride on the Duff blimp.
+
+You see the circular pattern on those fields?
+
+That's from central-pivot irrigation.
+
+Wow.
+
+Now let's see what's happening at the Super Bowl.
+
+[ Crowd Cheering ]
+
+[ Crowd Chanting ] Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer!
+
+[ Chanting Stops ]
+
+Man: Oops. Sorry.
+
+[ Chanting Continues ] Homer! Homer! Homer!
+
+[ Softly] Homer! Homer! Homer!
+
+But first, our second-prize winner... and the recipient of this handsome shoe buffer--
+
+Ned Flanders!
+
+[ Gasps ] Ah!
+
+Man: Go, Ned!
+
+Oh, it's no fair.
+
+We'll never have a buffer.
+
+We have one at home.
+
+You never use it.
+
+Well, I want that one.
+
+And the winner of the blimp ride is...
+
+Homer Simpson!
+
+Oh, my God!
+
+[ Whimpers ]
+
+♪ [ Singing ]
+
+[ Sobbing ]
+
+Honey, what's wrong?
+
+Dad, do you think I'm ugly?
+
+What are you talking about?
+
+[ Chuckling ]
+
+Oh, Lisa, this isn't real.
+
+It's just how you might look If you were a cartoon character.
+
+I'm an ugmo.
+
+Now, that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear.
+
+Fathers have to say that stuff.
+
+Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
+
+No! You're homely as a mule's butt!
+
+There. See?
+
+I'd like to be alone, please.
+
+[ Sobbing ]
+
+Moe, have you ever felt unattractive?
+
+Mmm, no.
+
+How about you, Barney?
+
+Not for a second. [ Belches ]
+
+Yeah. I need help.
+
+[Together] Whee! Whee!
+
+Whee! Whee!
+
+Whee!
+
+I guess every father thinks his daughter is the cutest.
+
+Well, now there's a way to prove it.
+
+Wow, President of Laramie Cigarettes, jack Larson!
+
+This year, Laramie is sponsoring... the Little Miss Springfield Pageant.
+
+You see, government regulations prohibit us from advertising on  TV.
+
+[ Inhales, Exhales ] Ahh.
+
+That sweet Carolina smoke.
+
+But they can't prohibit us from holding a beauty pageant... for little girls age seven to nine.
+
+Lisa's age seven to nine!
+
+Your daughter could be crowned Little Miss Springfield by our host... the maitre d' of glee, Krusty the Clown!
+
+I heartily endorse this event or product.
+
+What a feeling! I'm as happy as a smoker... taking that first puff in the morning.
+
+That could be Lisa!
+
+The Little Miss Springfield Pageant.
+
+Only $250 to enter.
+
+Oh!
+
+Hey, Barney, will you give me 250 bucks for this blimp ticket?
+
+Sure!
+
+[ Gasps ] Where'd you get all the money?
+
+From some scientist.
+
+Since they stopped testing on animals... a guy like me can really clean up.
+
+[ Gulping ]
+
+I'm hideous.
+
+Lisa, I know a song that will cheer you up.
+
+♪ [ Singing ]
+
+So you think I'm ugly?
+
+No!
+
+No, I meant you were one Of the good-looking ducks... that makes fun of the ugly one.
+
+Lisa, if you could have one wish, what would it be?
+
+
+
+To shut myself off from the world and never be seen by human eyes again.
+
+Was your second wish to be entered in the Little Miss Springfield Pageant?
+
+What are you talking about?
+
+I sent in an application for you.
+
+I couldn't find a big enough photo, so I sent in... that funny drawing of you on roller skates.
+
+How could you? I won't do it!
+
+[ Sobbing ]
+
+Homer, Lisa's already sensitive about her looks.
+
+This is the last thing she needs.
+
+But I think she'll win.
+
+Dad, have you seen the girls they have in those contests?
+
+Hubba, hubba! [ Panting ]
+
+[ Howling ]
+
+Hey, nobody's prettier than my little girl.
+
+You're looking at her through a father's eyes.
+
+Well, if I could gouge out somebody else's eyes... and shove them into my sockets, I would.
+
+But to me, she's beautiful.
+
+That is so sweet.
+
+Honey, no one's going to force you to do anything.
+
+But do you know how your father got the money to enter you in this pageant?
+
+Nope.
+
+He sold his ride on the Duff blimp.
+
+But that ride meant everything to him!
+
+♪ [ Singing Sadly]
+
+I'll do it.
+
+Did you see Tina Epstein?
+
+Whoa!
+
+If you're gonna binge, you'd better purge. Uh-oh.
+
+Amber Dempsey.
+
+In the same week... she was Pork Princess and Little Miss Kosher.
+
+She's beautiful.
+
+Wait.
+
+She's about to bring out the big g*ns.
+
+Eyelash implants.
+
+I thought those were illegal.
+
+Not in Paraguay.
+
+There's no way I can beat this girl.
+
+She's the Jack Nicklaus Of the pageant circuit.
+
+Oh, I don't know that she's as attractive as Jack Nicklaus.
+
+♪ [ Humming ]
+
+I meant because they both win all the time, Mom.
+
+Oh. Well, yes. That's what I meant too.
+
+Well, tell you what. This afternoon...
+
+I'll take you to the beauty parlor and show you just how lovely you can be.
+
+And later, I'll teach you the tricks of the trade-- taping your swimsuit to your butt... petroleum jelly on your teeth for that frictionless smile... and the ancient art of padding.
+
+[ Purring ]
+
+Are we done?
+
+We are just warming up.
+
+Oh, isn't this dangerous?
+
+Don't worry. I am well protected.
+
+Boy, when Lisa comes in, I want you to make a big fuss over how she looks.
+
+She'll see through me like Grandma's underpants.
+
+No, she won't. When it comes to compliments... women are ravenous, bloodsucking monsters... always wanting more, more, more!
+
+And if you give it to 'em, you'll get plenty back in return.
+
+Like what?
+
+I'll tell you when you're older.
+
+[ Chuckling ]
+
+[Door Slams Shut]
+
+[ Gasps ] Is that Lisa?
+
+Ooh, I gotta call heaven. There's an angel missing.
+
+And who's your little school friend?
+
+Wait a minute. That's Mom!
+
+Oh, my goodness! How gallant!
+
+Isn't that nice? Thank you.
+
+I know two fellas who are gonna get a special dinner tonight.
+
+Hey, hey!
+
+Whoo-hoo!
+
+Dad, you know anything else about women?
+
+Nope, that's it.
+
+Hey, brush-head, you've been nursing that thing for an hour.
+
+You know, I was just wondering how someone who works at an ice  cream store... keeps such a trim figure.
+
+I've misjudged you.
+
+♪ [ Piano ]
+
+♪ [ Piano ]
+
+I said step, pause, turn, pause, pivot, step, step... not step, pause, turn, pause, pivot, step, pause!
+
+Ooh! Shudder!
+
+And the winner is... Lisa Simpson!
+
+[ Gasps ]
+
+Okay, wipe away a tear.
+
+Hug the loser.
+
+And now, for your triumphant walk down the runway.
+
+Whoa! Ooh! Aah!
+
+It's hopeless!
+
+There's nothin' to it. Give me those heels.
+
+Heel, toe, heel, toe, heel, toe. Hmm.
+
+Do you really think I can win?
+
+Hey, I'm starting to think I can win.
+
+But those other girls are prettier than me.
+
+Lise, as your brother... this is the hardest thing I've every had to say.
+
+You're not ugly.
+
+Oh, Bart!
+
+♪ [Up-tempo]
+
+
+
+[ Talking Over Music ] Out on our own! Making it work!
+
+Gasping for air! Having it all!
+
+My name is Amber Dempsey, and when I grow up I want to be a sweetie pie.
+
+[Applause]
+
+I am Pahasatira Nahasapeemapetilon... and tonight I will be playing "Mac Arthur Park" on the tabla.
+
+[ Laughing ]
+
+No, I am serious.
+
+Yes! Judges, there's your queen.
+
+Who's watching the Kwik-E-Mart?
+
+[ Both Gasp ]
+
+[ Grunting ]
+
+[ Laughing ]
+
+My name is Lisa Simpson, and I want to be Little Miss Springfield... so I can make our town a better place!
+
+Yeah! Clean up this stink-hole!
+
+[ Panting, Grunts ]
+
+Krusty! About time you got here.
+
+Yeah, yeah. What is this-- the, uh, Republican fund-raiser?
+
+Checking it out! Hitting the heights!
+
+Making a wish! Dreaming a dream!
+
+♪ [ Singing ]
+
+[ All ] Me!
+
+♪ [Ends]
+
+Oh, that brisket's not sittin' right.
+
+♪ [ Singing ]
+
+[ Snoring ]
+
+Oh, that just kept goin', huh?
+
+And now here's... Lisa Simpson!
+
+They'll love you just as much as I do.
+
+Thanks, Dad.
+
+Mmm.
+
+Some people say that to love your country is old-fashioned... uncool, real melvin.
+
+Well, to them I say--
+
+♪ [ Singing Patriotic Song ]
+
+One, two, three, four! ♪ [ Singing Rock And Roll Song]
+
+[ Cheering ]
+
+This is my favorite part Of the pageant, because--
+
+What does that say? Oh.
+
+It gives me a chance to visit with the girls personality.
+
+Uh, personally.
+
+Amber, do you think the Bill of Rights... is a good thing or a bad thing?
+
+Um--
+
+Take your time, dear.
+
+Good thing.
+
+[ All Fawning ]
+
+And now it's time to name our runner-up... who, if the winner doesn't fulfill her duties-- [ Muttering lncoherently]
+
+And don't say it'll never happen... because we all remember that thing with what's-her-name.
+
+Click, click. You know.
+
+Okay, the runner-up is...
+
+[ Groans ]
+
+[Cymbal Crash]
+
+Lisa Simpson!
+
+Which means Amber Dempsey is the new Little Miss Springfield!
+
+[Applause]
+
+♪ [Orchestra]
+
+♪ [ Singing ]
+
+Coming up next, a new fad that's sweeping the nation-- wasting food.
+
+But first, let's join the new Little Miss Springfield, Amber Dempsey... as she helps open the Danish super-chain "Shop."
+
+
+
+Scott, everyone is here... from the mayor's illegitimate son to our own Duff blimp.
+
+Hi. Can I drive?
+
+Well, I can't see the harm.
+
+[Barney Yelling]
+
+Oh, the humanity! Anyway... to turn on the store's "severe tire damage" spikes, here's Little Miss Springfield.
+
+♪ [Fanfare]
+
+Oh, dear. It would be a shame If that pretty dress got wet.
+
+I'd say the greater danger is her scepter acting as a lightning rod.
+
+Unless it's made out of plastic.
+
+[ Thunderclap ]
+
+Nope. Metal.
+
+Ladies and gentlemen, Little Miss Springfield has been struck by lightning.
+
+Man: Doctor, what is Amber's condition?
+
+Oh, she'll be fine. In fact... she's already won the Little Miss lntensive Care Pageant.
+
+Congratulations, Lisa. You're the new Little Miss Springfield.
+
+
+
+Here's your scepter. Oop! [ Laughing ] just kidding.
+
+Here you go. Oop! [ Laughing ] just kidding.
+
+[ Yelling ]
+
+I deserved that.
+
+That doesn't look like her body.
+
+The torso used to be Dr. Ruth.
+
+Her head is on a pike in the Chamber of Horrors.
+
+[Wolf Howling]
+
+[Wolf Whistles]
+
+Hi, fellas.
+
+Love that "chewing gum" walk.
+
+Very Wrigley.
+
+As Little Miss Springfield, it's my pleasure to welcome you to America... the land of opportunity.
+
+Actually, they're being deported.
+
+♪ [ Minor Key]
+
+[Man Over P.A.] And now, let's give a big Fort Springfield welcome... to Mr. Bob Hope!
+
+What's the mayor's name?
+
+Quimby.
+
+Beautiful.
+
+♪ [Orchestra]
+
+Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope.
+
+♪ [Ends]
+
+Hey, how about that Mayor Quimby?
+
+He's some golfer! His golfball spends more time underwater than Greg Louganis.
+
+[ Howling Laughter]
+
+And now, I wanna show you what you're fighting for, if there was a w*r on.
+
+Little Miss Springfield.
+
+Isn't she beautiful?
+
+Little Miss Springfield?
+
+First, Tony Randall cancels. Now this.
+
+[ Yelling, Shouting ]
+
+Hey, what gives here? This is bogus! Hey!
+
+Where do you think you're goin'? We want Miss Springfield!
+
+Hey, set me down at that boat show.
+
+I'm gonna be riding on a pack of cigarettes?
+
+Mm-hmm. We think you're the perfect spokesmodel for Laramies.
+
+It's part of our new campaign.
+
+Mmm, classy.
+
+[ Gasps ]
+
+You see, Lisa, it's been an unlucky year for Laramie.
+
+A lot of the people who smoke our product have been... well, dying.
+
+And we need young smokers to take their place.
+
+I don't wanna be a spokesperson for a cigarette company!
+
+But you're a role model To young people.
+
+And we're thinking of retiring Menthol Moose.
+
+[ Coughs, Spits ]
+
+Bless you, boys.
+
+Homer, those are ice  cream men.
+
+I know.
+
+[ Gasps ]
+
+Stop this float!
+
+[ Tires Screech ]
+
+What's the holdup? Go!
+
+I'm tired of being a corporate shill.
+
+[ Grunts ]
+
+From now on, I will speak out... against the evils in society... from dog-napping to cigarettes.
+
+Lisa: Before I sing the national anthem...
+
+I'd like to say that college football... diverts funds badly needed for education and the arts.
+
+Is that true?
+
+Let's get 'em!
+
+[ Grunting ]
+
+Let's get out of here!
+
+[ Grunting Continues ]
+
+Gentlemen, we need to get Lisa Simpson out... and Amber Dempsey back in.
+
+But this glorified, crossing-guard-of-a-police Chief won't get off his big fat can.
+
+Is it okay if I open these potato chips?
+
+[ Groans ]
+
+Gentlemen, our prayers have been answered.
+
+Take a look at our Little Miss Springfield's pageant application.
+
+Roxy, bring in a bottle of champagne.
+
+Yeah, and some dip for these chips or somethin'.
+
+Lisa Simpson is no longer Little Miss Springfield.
+
+She was stripped of her crown in a ceremony earlier today.
+
+Well, that's obviously the wrong footage.
+
+Uh, but it does seem the father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson... filled out the pageant application incorrectly.
+
+In the area under "Do not write in this space," he wrote, "Okay."
+
+If it wasn't for me, you'd still be queen.
+
+You must hate me.
+
+Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant?
+
+I don't know. Was I drunk?
+
+Possibly.
+
+But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself, and I do.
+
+Really?
+
+Uh-huh.
+
+Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life?
+
+It's a deal.
+
+And now, my exclusive interview with His Holiness, Pope John Paul I.
+
+That's it. I cannot work under these conditions.
+
+If anybody wants me, I'll be downstairs at McDougal's.
+
+Call the weekend guy. I don't care
+
+Live from beautiful Laughlin, Nevada... it's the Miss American Girl Pageant.
+
+Brought to you by: Smell like Streep For cheap!
+
+I'm your host, Troy McClure. And now, here come the ladies!
+
+[ Applause ]
+
+♪ [ Singing ]
+
+[ Troy] Like Miss South Dakota.
+
+Miss North Carolina.
+
+Miss lndiana. Miss Alaska.
+
+Kids, I won't be home tonight, so I'm leaving you some low-cal microwavable  TV dinners.
+
+Uh--
+
+Okay.
+
+I'm auditioning for a play.
+
+It's a musical version Of A Street car Named Desire.
+
+Isn't that exciting?
+
+[ Troy] If you ask me, they're all winners!
+
+We'll be cutting our first 40 contestants right after this.
+
+Let's take a minute to meet our distinguished panel of judges.
+
+Skin-care consultant, Roweena.
+
+Syndicated columnist, William F. George.
+
+Token black panelist, Drederick Tatum.
+
+And Mr. Boswell, the man behind those infamous worst-dressed lists.
+
+Mr. Boswell, can you give us a sneak peek at this year's list?
+
+
+
+Memo to Goldie Hawn: cheerleading tryouts were 30 years ago.
+
+Let's grow up, shall we?
+
+[ All Laughing ]
+
+He's such a b*tch.
+
+I haven't been in a play since high school... and I thought it would be a good chance to meet some other adults.
+
+Sounds interesting.
+
+You know, I spend all day alone with Maggie... and sometimes it's like I don't even exist.
+
+Sounds interesting.
+
+[ Groans ]
+
+It's time to name our five finalists... starting with... Miss Montana.
+
+[Applause]
+
+A beaut from Butte.
+
+Miss South Carolina.
+
+Nothin' could be finer.
+
+Miss Delaware.
+
+She, uh--
+
+Good for her.
+
+♪ [ Singing Scales ]
+
+Marge, keep it down in there!
+
+Homer, my audition is in half--
+
+Hey, look, it's last year's winner, Debra Jo Smallwood!
+
+Tonight, my reign as Miss American Girl comes to an end.
+
+
+
+And I'd like to apologize one last time... for my unfortunate remarks at the United Nations.
+
+♪ [ Classical ]
+
+Maggie, cut that racket!
+
+And where exactly Are you going?
+
+I'm auditioning for a play.
+
+Well, this is the first I've heard about it.
+
+I told you several times.
+
+It's a musical version Of A Streetcar Na--
+
+Excuse me, Marge! I think that if you told me, I would remember.
+
+I mean, I'm not an idiot!
+
+Hm. Well, I-I thought I told you.
+
+Kids, back me up.
+
+He's right, Mom.
+
+Sorry.
+
+Match point-- Homer.
+
+I'm sorry, honey.
+
+It's okay. We're none of us perfect.
+
+♪ [Piano]
+
+♪ [Singers Warming Up]
+
+♪ [ Vocalizing ]
+
+Well, howdy-do, neighbor.
+
+Hi, Ned.
+
+I didn't know you were an actor.
+
+Oh, indeedily-doodily.
+
+Uh, I've even been in Streetcar once before.
+
+I played Blanche DuBois.
+
+Mm-hmm. Just part of the fun Of going to an all-male school.
+
+Hello! I am Llewellyn Sinclair.
+
+I have directed three plays in my career... and I have had three heart att*cks.
+
+That's how much I care.
+
+I'm planning for a fourth.
+
+Maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class.
+
+Oh, forget about it. That Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic.
+
+Quiet!
+
+Sorry.
+
+I am not an easy man to work for.
+
+While directing Hats Off to Hanukkah...
+
+I reduced more than one cast member to tears.
+
+Did I expect too much from fourth graders?
+
+The review, "Play Enjoyed By All, '" speaks for itself.
+
+Hm.
+
+Those auditioning for the role of Stanley... take off your shirts.
+
+Take off your shirts!
+
+[ Repeating in French ]
+
+Schnell! Schnell! Schnell!
+
+Uh-uh. Nope. Try joining a gym.
+
+Oh, ye gods!
+
+Hey, man, if you like that, you should see my butt.
+
+You. You're my Stanley.
+
+Hot diggity! How 'bout that, Marge?
+
+Little ol' Stanley me. [ Chuckles ]
+
+[ Weakly] "Stella. Stella!" [ Laughs ]
+
+♪ [ Singing ]
+
+Next!
+
+♪ [ Singing ]
+
+Next!
+
+♪ [ Singing ]
+
+Next!
+
+♪ [ Singing ]
+
+Thank you for nothing.
+
+You're all terrible!
+
+What you ladies don't understand is that Blanche... is a delicate flower being trampled by an uncouth lout--
+
+[ Sighs ] Forget it! just strike the sets.
+
+Clear the stage. This production is--
+
+Homie, I didn't get the part.
+
+You were right. Outside interests are stupid.
+
+Wait a minute.
+
+[ Groans ] I'll come home right away.
+
+All right. I'll pick up a bucket Of fried chicken, extra skin... rolls, chocolate  cream parfait--
+
+[ Gasps ]
+
+Stop bothering my Blanche!
+
+Oh!
+
+I play an aging Southern beauty who's driven to insanity... by her brutish brother-in-law, Stanley.
+
+Wow! My mother the actress.
+
+I feel like Lucie Arnaz Luckinbill.
+
+Are there any jive-talking robots in this play?
+
+I don't think so.
+
+Bart, don't ask stupid questions.
+
+Is there any frontal nudity?
+
+No, Homer.
+
+My name is Helen Lovejoy, and I'll be playing Stella.
+
+I am Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. I play Steve.
+
+My name is "Ot-to!" I'm playing "Pab-lo!"
+
+Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law.
+
+I'm filing a class-action suit against the director... on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play.
+
+I also play Mitch.
+
+I'm Marge Simpson.
+
+I'll be playing Blanche. I made some peanut butter brownies for everyone.
+
+Well, would anyone else like a bite of banality?
+
+I would.
+
+Stanley--
+
+Yeah?
+
+You're pulsing with animal lust!
+
+You take Blanche and you fling her roughly to the bed.
+
+Roger-dodger.
+
+Grr.
+
+Aww, isn't that cute!
+
+And me without a camera.
+
+Here. My sister runs a day care center.
+
+Hmm. I guess a few weeks wouldn't hurt her.
+
+Maggie is allergic To strained pears... and she likes a bottle of warm milk before nap time.
+
+A bottle? [ Laughs ]
+
+Mrs. Simpson, do you know what a baby's saying when she reaches for a bottle?
+
+"Ba-ba?"
+
+She's saying, "I am a leech."
+
+Our aim here is to develop the bottle within.
+
+That sounds awfully harsh.
+
+Mrs. Simpson, I don't like to toot my own horn... but we're the only day care center in town... that's not currently under investigation by the state.
+
+Oh. Well, be a good girl, Maggie.
+
+I'm sorry, Maggie. We don't allow these here.
+
+♪ You're a dame and I'm a fella ♪
+♪ Stanley, stop or I'll tell Stella ♪
+
+Passion, Mrs. Simpson. Anger.
+
+This man disgusts you!
+
+♪ All I want is one embrace ♪
+♪ I'll twist this bottle in your face ♪
+
+Mm. Mm. Mm!
+
+[ Chuckles ] Here, Marge, let me. Hate to be an armchair Blanche... but I always gave it one of these--
+
+There. There's the ol' face-shredder.
+
+Oh.
+
+Mrs. Simpson, if you set out to push the bile to the tip of my throat... mission accomplished!
+
+I'm, uh-- I'm gonna crawl into bed with a bottle of amaretto.
+
+Good day.
+
+[ Homer] Easy, easy. Yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes-- D'oh!
+
+[ Electronic Voice ] 7-1 0 split.
+
+Homer, can you run some lines with me?
+
+Make Bart do it.
+
+It'll just take a sec.
+
+Gutter ball!
+
+D'oh!
+
+You see, Marge, while you're Off in your own little world... you forgot that other people have problems too.
+
+[ Sighs ]
+
+♪ [Action Movie Theme]
+
+[ Objects Crashing ]
+
+Don't like to nap, eh? We have a place for babies like you-- the box!
+
+All right, let "ham-ateur" night in Dixie commence.
+
+I'm sorry, Llewellyn, I just--
+
+I just don't see why Blanche should shove a broken bottle in Stanley's face.
+
+Couldn't she just take his abuse with gentle good humor?
+
+Marge, your ride's here.
+
+Homer, it'll just be a few minutes more!
+
+♪ You're a dame and I'm a fella ♪
+♪ Stanley, stop or I'll tell Stella ♪
+
+
+
+Marge. Marge! I'm asking For white-hot rage... and you're giving me a hissy fit.
+
+Marge, can I get some change for the candy machine?
+
+Oh, here!
+
+[ Clattering ]
+
+Hey, there's some quarters in here.
+
+I just don't see what's so bad about Stanley.
+
+[ Grunting ]
+
+Stanley is thoughtless, violent and loud.
+
+Marge, every second you spend with this man... he is crushing your fragile spirit.
+
+You can't let that happen.
+
+[Yelling]
+
+Whoo-hoo! Come to papa.
+
+Marge, I'll be out in the car.
+
+♪ All I want is one embrace ♪
+
+[Car Horn Honking]
+
+Marge, move it or lose it.
+
+♪ I'll twist this bottle in your face ♪
+
+Aaah!
+
+Hallelujah! I've done it again!
+
+Ned, you're supposed to overpower her.
+
+I'm trying. I'm trying. [ Straining ]
+
+Salt me.
+
+[ Southern Accent ] Here you are, Homer.
+
+What the-- Why are you talking like that?
+
+The play's tomorrow night. [ With Accent ] I've got to stay in character.
+
+[ With Accent ] Would it help if I talked like this too?
+
+It might.
+
+[ Cockney Accent ] An' I'll talk like 'is. Bob's yer uncle, mate.
+
+That really doesn't help, Bart.
+
+Big Daddy, would y'all mind passin' a lil' ol' biscuit?
+
+Can I slog off school tomorrow? Got a pain in me gulliver.
+
+I'm livin' in a cuckoo clock!
+
+Oh, see you later, kids. I've got to go rehearse with Ned.
+
+But, Marge, what about dessert?
+
+For God's sakes, you can pull the lid off your own can of pudding!
+
+Fine. I will!
+
+[ Screeches ] Oh, no.
+
+My pudding is trapped forever!
+
+So I can open my own can Of pudding, can I?
+
+Shows what you know, Marge.
+
+Marge!
+
+Hey, Marge!
+
+Keep yelling, you big ape.
+
+Aren't you being a little hard on old Homie?
+
+Oh, forget about him. Let's rehearse the bottle scene.
+
+Oh! Let's not and say we did. Hmm?
+
+[ Muttering Lines ]
+
+So, what time does this play start?
+
+Why? Are you going?
+
+Well, I gotta go, don't I?
+
+I'm sure you won't enjoy it. There's nothing about bowling in the play.
+
+Oh, wait, there is.
+
+Probably not much of it.
+
+Why can't you be a little more supportive?
+
+'Cause I don't care, okay? I can't fake an interest in this... and I'm an expert at faking an interest in your kooky projects.
+
+What "kooky projects"?
+
+You know, the painting class... the first aid course, the whole Lamaze thing.
+
+Why didn't you tell me you felt this way?
+
+You know I would never do anything to hurt your feelings.
+
+Good night. [ Snores ]
+
+[ Groans ]
+
+Playing nicely, little humans? Good, good.
+
+Hello, Maggie. Poor little "dummard."
+
+♪ [Action Movie Theme]
+
+Hey, kids! I'm flame-retardant.
+
+[ Laughs ]
+
+[Footsteps Approaching]
+
+[ Gasps ]
+
+If I break, buy a new one. [Laughs]
+
+[Shatters]
+
+[ Gasps ]
+
+[ Squealing ]
+
+Maggie, time to go to the-- [Screeches]
+
+[ Loud Sucking ]
+
+[ Shudders ] Babies.
+
+Perhaps we are all A little mad... we who don the cap and bells and tread beneath the proscenium arch.
+
+But tonight, you will all be transformed from dead-eyed suburbanites... into white-hot grease fires of pure entertainment!
+
+Except you. You're not working out.
+
+I'll be playing your part.
+
+Drag.
+
+[Murmuring]
+
+♪ [Piano: Intro]
+
+♪ Long before the Superdome ♪
+♪ Where the Saints of football play ♪
+♪ Lived a city that the damned call home ♪
+♪ Hear their hellish ♪
+♪ Rondelet ♪
+
+[ Creaking ]
+
+♪ [Orchestra]
+
+♪ New Orleans ♪
+♪ Home of pirates drunks and whores ♪
+♪ New Orleans ♪
+♪ Tacky, overpriced souvenir stores ♪
+♪ If you wanna go to hell you should take that trip ♪
+♪ To the Sodom and Gomorrah on the "Mississip" ♪
+♪ New Orleans ♪
+♪ Stinking, rotten "vomity" vile ♪
+♪ New Orleans ♪
+♪ Putrid, brackish maggoty, foul ♪
+♪ New Orleans ♪
+♪ Crummy, lousy rancid and rank ♪
+♪ New Orleans ♪
+
+Woman: What's the matter, honey? Are you lost?
+
+Marge: I'm lookin' for my sister, Stella.
+
+Lisa: It's Mom!
+
+Huh?
+
+My name is Blanche DuBois.
+
+♪ [Jazz]
+
+♪ I thought my life would be a Mardi Gras ♪
+♪ A never-ending party ♪
+
+Ha!
+
+♪ I'm a faded Southern dame ♪
+♪ Without a dime ♪
+
+I'm collecting for the Evening Star.
+
+Come here. I want to kiss you... just once, softly and sweetly on your mouth.
+
+♪ [Orchestra]
+
+♪ I am just a simple paperboy ♪
+♪ No romance do I seek ♪
+♪ I just wanted 40 cents ♪
+♪ For my deliveries last week ♪
+♪ Will this bewitching floozy ♪
+♪ Seduce this humble newsie ♪
+♪ Oh, what's a paperboy to ♪
+♪ Do ♪
+♪ [Ends]
+
+Whoo-hoo!
+
+♪ [Orchestra]
+
+Stella!
+
+Stella!
+
+♪ Can't you hear me yell-a ♪
+♪ You're puttin' me through hell-a ♪
+♪ Stella ♪
+
+Stella!
+
+Oh! Oh!
+
+Cool. She can fly.
+
+I think it's supposed to symbolize her descent into madness.
+
+Oh! Oh! Oh!
+
+♪ [Fades]
+
+Whoever you are, I have always depended... on the kindness of strangers.
+
+♪ [Orchestra]
+
+♪ You can always depend on the kindness of strangers ♪
+♪ To buck up your spirits and shield you from dangers ♪
+♪ Now here's a tip from Blanche you won't regret ♪
+♪ A stranger's just a friend you haven't met ♪
+♪ You haven't met ♪
+
+Streetcar!
+
+♪ [Ends]
+
+Yea!
+
+Ah! [ Chuckles ]
+
+[ Together] Yea!
+
+You people out there, you're the stars.
+
+Cool!
+
+Hey, look at me. I'm Blanche DuBois.
+
+Mom!
+
+[ Grunts ]
+
+Way to go, Mom!
+
+Everybody was cheering for you!
+
+Almost everybody.
+
+Kids, wait in the car.
+
+I want to talk to your mother about this play thing.
+
+[ With Accent ] Lookin' for a spot off un with the missus, hey, guv'nor?
+
+Shut up, boy. Marge, you were terrific.
+
+Oh, come on, Homer. By the end, you were so bored... you could barely keep your selfish head up.
+
+I wasn't bored. I was sad.
+
+It really got to me how that lady, uh, um--
+
+You know which one I mean. You played her.
+
+Blanche.
+
+Yeah. How Blanche was sad.
+
+And how that guy Stanley should have been nice to her.
+
+Yeah? Go on.
+
+I mean, it made me feel bad.
+
+The poor thing ends up being hauled to the nuthouse... when all she needed was for that big slob to show her some respect.
+
+Well, at least that's what I thought.
+
+I have a history of missing the point of stuff like this.
+
+No, Homer, you got it just right.
+
+Hey, you know, I'm a lot like that guy.
+
+Really?
+
+Yeah, like when I pick my teeth with the mail and stuff.
+
+Well, maybe just a little.
+
+Well, children, it's the last day of school.
+
+[ All ] Yea!
+
+Here are your grades.
+
+Oh, no, Mrs. Krabappel.
+
+If I don't get a "C" average, my dad won't let me go to Kamp Krusty.
+
+Well, it isn't fair to the other children, but all right.
+
+Much obliged, doll!
+
+[ Laughing ]
+
+Oh, Bart Simpson, I'm gonna miss you.
+
+Attention, everyone. This is Principal Skinner.
+
+I trust you all remembered to bring in your implements of destruction.
+
+Skinner: Now, let's trash this dump.
+
+♪ [Rock]
+
+Somebody put a torch to these permanent records. Quickly, now.
+
+♪ [ Vocalizing ]
+
+♪ [ Continues ]
+
+Wake up, boy.
+
+[ Groans, Gasps ] I dreamt it was the last day of school.
+
+Well, it is.
+
+Oh, how do I know this isn't Some beautiful dream too?
+
+Ow! You know, a pinch is more traditional.
+
+[ Loud Gobbling, Belching ]
+
+Homer, you do remember your promise to the children?
+
+Sure do! When you're I 8, you're out the door!
+
+No, Dad, you promised if Bart and I got "C" averages, we could go to Kamp Krusty.
+
+And with no false modesty, you're lookin' at one happy camper.
+
+[ Nervous Chuckling ] Yeah.
+
+Remember, when you see my report card, they got this new grading system this year.
+
+It now goes, "D," "B," "A," "C."
+
+Listen, boy, we have an understanding, and you'd better keep your end of it.
+
+I don't think I'd be any kind of a father If you got D's, and I let you go to Kamp Krusty.
+
+
+
+But, Dad! if you want something in this life, you have to work for it.
+
+Now, quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
+
+[ Man ] Seventeen, 32--
+
+D'oh! five--
+
+D'oh! eight--
+
+Whoo-hoo!
+
+47.
+
+D'oh!
+
+[Skinner On P.A.] Attention, students.
+
+Please clear out your lockers into the waste baskets provided.
+
+Thirty-six, 24, 36. Ha, ha, ha.
+
+[ Cracks Knuckles ]
+
+Now, let's see what we got here.
+
+Ah, my gym shorts.
+
+Here are your final report cards.
+
+I have nothing left to say to any of you.
+
+So if nobody minds, let's just quietly run out the clock.
+
+[ Gasps ]
+
+I've never gotten a "B" before.
+
+How could this have happened? I feel so dirty!
+
+[ Grunting ]
+
+The dirt's not coming off!. [ Panting ]
+
+Okay. Calm down.
+
+This must just be a little typo. [ Nervous Giggle ]
+
+Oh, Miss Hoover! There appears to be a mistake on my report card.
+
+You gave me a B-plus in conduct?
+
+Now, Lisa, everyone needs a blotch on their permanent record.
+
+Perhaps I'm not making myself clear. [ Hysterical Giggle ]
+
+I think you should reconsider.
+
+Lisa, you're hurting me!
+
+Mrs. Krabappel, in figuring out my final grades...
+
+I hope you'll note that all Of my textbooks are being returned... in excellent condition-- in some cases, still in their original wrappings.
+
+Duly noted.
+
+I'd also like to add, as I gaze upon your beauty...
+
+I've never seen an angel fly so low.
+
+Forget it, short pants.
+
+Mrs. Krabappel, if I don't get at least a "C" average...
+
+I can't go to Kamp Krusty!
+
+Have a "D"-lightful summer! [ Laughing ]
+
+Five!
+
+Four!
+
+Three!
+
+Two!
+
+Don't open your mouth.
+
+One!
+
+[Bell Ringing]
+
+[ Cheering ]
+
+Wait a minute! You didn't learn how World w*r I ended.
+
+We won!
+
+Yea! U.S.A!
+
+U.S.A!
+
+U.S.A! U.S.A!
+
+I haven't seen such unfettered hurly-burly since the fall of Saigon.
+
+Well, William, another school year gone by.
+
+And may I say, a job well done, sir?
+
+Well, back to work then.
+
+Make sure to give those toilets a good scrubbing.
+
+We want the old girls sparkling when I get back.
+
+Aye, sir. Eh, you silk-wearing buttercup!
+
+All right! Three whole months Of Spaghetti Os and daytime  TV!
+
+So, Bart, will you be joining me in the bucolic splendor of Kamp Krusty?
+
+You bet. Check out this hand. All aces.
+
+[ Laughing ] A-plus!
+
+Oh, Bart, why didn't you at least forge plausible grades?
+
+[ Sighing ] Oh!
+
+Hi, kids!
+
+Only one week left to sign up for the bestest summer ever at Kamp Krusty!
+
+[ Grunts, Laughing ]
+
+Whoa! [ Laughing, Grunting ]
+
+Hey! Kamp Krusty is built on an actual lndian burial ground.
+
+We've got archery, wallet-making-- the whole megillah.
+
+
+
+[Chortling] And for you fat kids... my exclusive program of diet and ridicule... will really get results.
+
+And the best part is, when you come to Kamp Krusty... you'll spend the summer with me!
+
+Honest lnjun! [ Chortling ]
+
+Well, here goes nothin'.
+
+[Clattering]
+
+D'oh! Stupid roller skate.
+
+Well, Dad, here's my report card.
+
+I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
+
+A-plus?
+
+You don't think much of me, do you, boy?
+
+No, sir.
+
+You know, a "D" turns into a "B" so easily. You just got greedy.
+
+So I won't get to go to camp?
+
+Now, Bart, we made this deal because I thought it would help you get good grades.
+
+And you didn't. But why should you pay for my mistake?
+
+You mean I can go?
+
+Yeah.
+
+I didn't want you hanging around all summer anyway.
+
+Oh, Dad, you're the best father a boy could ever have!
+
+Thanks, son. Now, you've got little hands.
+
+Can you reach under that mower and pull out that skate?
+
+[ Engine Starts ]
+
+Phew. Never mind.
+
+♪ [ Humming ]
+
+Bart, where's your bathing suit?
+
+I'm gonna swim "nekkid."
+
+You're what?
+
+Ah, sure, there'll be a couple Of up-tight counselors... who won't dig the Bart philosophy... but I feel the human body is a thing of beauty.
+
+Marge, am I crazy or is my back getting hairier?
+
+Before I go to camp, I'll need boosters for malaria...
+
+German measles, encephalitis, Hansen's disease--
+
+Oh, now, I'm afraid what we have here is an advanced case of hypochondria.
+
+There's only one known cure-- a "wowwipop." [ Chuckling ]
+
+Don't patronize me, Doctor.
+
+It's our last family dinner for six weeks... but I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
+
+[ Loud Gulping, Snorting ]
+
+[ Sobbing ]
+
+Oh, I'm going to miss this! [ Sniffles ]
+
+Hey, hands off my pickle!
+
+I don't see your name on it, boy.
+
+No, but--
+
+Oh, yeah?
+
+Check... mate!
+
+Always thinking two moves ahead.
+
+We'll see you when you get back from lmage Enhancement Camp.
+
+Spare me your euphemisms. It's fat camp for Daddy's chubby little secret!
+
+You promised you wouldn't make a scene.
+
+Mmm! [ Kissing ]
+
+Good-bye, my special little guy!
+
+Mmm! Mmm! Lisa, watch out for poison ivy.
+
+Remember: leaves of three, let it be.
+
+Leaves of four, eat some more. [ Laughing ]
+
+Good-bye. Good-bye, sweetie.
+
+Good-bye, Mom.
+
+Bye, Dad! I'll write you every day!
+
+Don't look in my closet.
+
+In fact, stay out Of my room altogether.
+
+Lisa: If the pets die, don't replace them. I'll know!
+
+[ All Cheering ]
+
+Woman: So long! Don't come back!
+
+Hi, kids! Welcome to Kamp Krusty!
+
+[ Chortling ] I'll see you in a few weeks.
+
+Until then, I've turned things over... to my bestest buddy in the whole wide world--
+
+[ Dubbed Voice ] Mr. Black.
+
+I want you to treat--
+
+[Dubbed Voice] Mr. Black. with the same respect you would give me.
+
+Now here's--
+
+[ Dubbed Voice ] Mr. Black.
+
+Thank you, Krusty, and welcome, children.
+
+I am Mr. Black, your head counselor.
+
+For the past I 5 years, I was president of Euro-Krustyland... until it blew up.
+
+I'll take any questions you might have. You, and then one more.
+
+Can we call you Uncle Blackie?
+
+No. Last question.
+
+When do we get to see Krusty?
+
+Uh, he will be along eventually.
+
+In the meantime, our counselors Dolph, Jimbo and Kearney... will be happy to handle any problems you may have.
+
+[ Coughs ]
+
+Looks like we got ourselves a troublemaker.
+
+[ Grunting ]
+
+[ Giggling ]
+
+You can have the shower to yourself, Homie.
+
+I'm finished.
+
+Oh, no, you're not.
+
+Ohh!
+
+[ Chuckling ]
+
+Here's your cabin. If you don't like it, T.S.
+
+[ Squawking ]
+
+[ Gasping ]
+
+[ Rattling ]
+
+This is a little more rustic than I expected.
+
+I'm not worried, Lise. You know why?
+
+Because of this. The Krusty Brand Seal of Approval.
+
+You can only find it on products which meet the high personal standards... of Krusty the Clown.
+
+Ow!
+
+Oops. I should've warned you.
+
+That clock gets incredibly hot If you leave it plugged in.
+
+That's okay. Uh, all this stuff is fine.
+
+[ Chortling ]
+
+Now I am off to Wimbledon!
+
+Don't we get to roast marshmallows?
+
+Shut up and eat your pinecone.
+
+Uh, are you sure that's safe?
+
+Well, it ain't gettin' any safer.
+
+[ All Gasping ]
+
+[Footsteps]
+
+All right, you b*lls of pan drippings!
+
+I want to see Crisco coming out of those pores!
+
+We're not leaving until this Christmas ham gives me a pull-up.
+
+♪ [ Acoustic Guitar]
+
+♪ [ Singing ]
+
+Louder! Faster!
+
+♪ [Continues]
+
+[Grunts]
+
+[Wood Creaking]
+
+[ All Groaning ]
+
+You're serving us gruel?
+
+Not quite.
+
+This is Krusty Brand lmitation Gruel.
+
+Nine out of I 0 orphans can't tell the difference.
+
+Yo, Mr. Black. Another brandy.
+
+Gentlemen, to evil.
+
+Marge, since the kids left, I've lost five pounds!
+
+Oh, that's wonderful!
+
+And look-- new hair!
+
+I'm this close to having a comb-over.
+
+[ Purring ]
+
+
+
+[ Giggling ]
+
+[Laughing]
+
+Oh!
+
+[ Shuddering ]
+
+Lights out, losers!
+
+Yeah, we're meetin' some tail on the other side of the lake.
+
+[ Chuckling ]
+
+[Locks Sliding Shut]
+
+I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart.
+
+We're all gonna die, Lise.
+
+I meant soon.
+
+So did I.
+
+Mmm. Strawberries.
+
+Mmm. [ Slurping ] Ah, that's good.
+
+Hey, Lendl! Choke! Choke! Yeah!
+
+[ Man ] Point and game, Becker.
+
+And will the harlequin in the third row Please keep his voice down?
+
+[ Chortles ] Sorry, folks.
+
+[ Grunts ] Sorry, Your Majesty.
+
+Hmph!
+
+[ Thinking ] Dear kids, I hope this letter finds you well.
+
+We're doing great.
+
+Your father is in the best shape he's been since-- well, ever!
+
+[ Grunts ] Strength! Agility!
+
+[Marge's Voice] We miss you terribly.
+
+I hope these jelly bean cookies will tide you over until you get home.
+
+Hey, Simpson! Tell your mom her cookies sucked.
+
+[ Sighs ]
+
+[ Thinking ] Dear Mom and Dad, I no longer fear hell... because I've been to Kamp Krusty.
+
+Our nature hikes have become grim death marches.
+
+[ Groans ]
+
+A snake bit me.
+
+Back in line, maggot!
+
+Lisa: Our arts and crafts center is, in actuality, a Dickensian workhouse.
+
+Come on, wimps!
+
+These Gucci wallets have to be on the streets of Hong Kong by Friday.
+
+Lisa: Bart makes it through the days relying on his unwavering belief... that Krusty the Clown will come through.
+
+
+
+Krusty is coming. Krusty is coming. Krusty's coming.
+
+But I am far more pessimistic.
+
+I am not sure lf this letter will reach you as our lines of communication have been cut.
+
+Giddyap!
+
+Now the effort of writing Has made me lightheaded... so I close by saying, "Save us! Save us now!'"
+
+Bart and Lisa.
+
+[ Chuckling ]
+
+Ah, kids' letters from camp.
+
+Oh, she complains now, but when we go to pick her up, she won't want to leave.
+
+[Wind Howling]
+
+[Thunderclaps]
+
+Lisa, I've been thinking it over. Next summer, I'm getting a job.
+
+[ Moaning ]
+
+Oh, Homer. It's getting late.
+
+We'll miss the fireworks.
+
+Marge, we've got all the fireworks we need right here.
+
+Well, kids, I promised you a little treat in lieu of dinner... and here it is-- the man who took an abandoned mule tannery and turned it into a summer wonderland...
+
+Mr. Krusty the Clown.
+
+See? I told you Krusty would come. just like I said.
+
+He's gonna bring us food and water, and smite our enemies!
+
+[ Flies Buzzing ]
+
+Now, I must tell you kids, Krusty has laryngitis and a bad back... so he won't be saying anything or doing anything.
+
+Krusty looks fat.
+
+He's really having trouble keeping his balance.
+
+He's still funny, but not ha-ha funny.
+
+That's not Krusty the Clown!
+
+[ Kids Gasping ]
+
+What do you think? I slapped a clown suit on some wino?
+
+[ Nervous Laughing ] I mean, I--
+
+Yeah, Bart.
+
+I am so Krunchy the Clown! [ Belches ]
+
+All right. That's it.
+
+I've been scorched by Krusty before.
+
+I got a rapid heartbeat from those Krusty Brand vitamins.
+
+My Krusty calculator didn't have a seven or an eight!
+
+
+
+And Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions.
+
+But this time, he's gone too far!
+
+We want Krusty! We want Krusty! We want Krusty!
+
+Yeah, we want Krunchy! We want Krunchy!
+
+I thought you said you broke their spirits.
+
+We did.
+
+You broke nothing.
+
+[ Bart ] Let's get 'em!
+
+To the hydrofoil!
+
+[ All Clamoring ]
+
+My chunky brothers, gorge yourselves at the trough of freedom!
+
+[ Cheering ]
+
+[ Slurping ]
+
+Ahh! Sweet, nourishing gruel!
+
+Kowalski!
+
+My brownies!
+
+Wiggum!
+
+A change of underwear!
+
+Crandall!
+
+My insulin!
+
+[ Squeaking ]
+
+Bart! You said you were gonna name it Camp Freedom!
+
+Aah, this has more zing.
+
+I dub thee Sir--
+
+Urgent call for Mr. Clown.
+
+This better be important. Oy, gevalt! just let your head flop back and forth.
+
+Your neck is a well-cooked piece of asparagus.
+
+[ Man On TV] We interrupt Sadrudin Mabaradad's Yoga Party for this special bulletin--
+
+"Krisis at Kamp Krusty."
+
+[ Gasps ]
+
+Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan and lraq... and I can say without hyperbole... that this is a million times worse than all of them put together.
+
+[ Chanting ] Burn, Krusty, burn! Burn, Krusty, burn!
+
+
+
+A group of school-aged Spartacuses has taken this camp by force.
+
+Three counselors are missing and presumed scared.
+
+What's that? I'm being told I can have an exclusive interview with the ringleader.
+
+[ Thinking ] Don't be the boy. Don't be the boy.
+
+D'oh!
+
+I just want the whole world to know that this was a really crappy camp.
+
+Can I say "crappy" on  TV?
+
+Yes, on this network, you can.
+
+Is it true you attempted suicide when you heard the news?
+
+Are you and Princess Di just friends?
+
+You people make me sick!
+
+You're vultures! Where were you when I sang at Farm Aid?
+
+Out of my way, you parasites! I said, out of my way!
+
+I'm no fake. I'm the real Krusty.
+
+Oh, yeah? Who played your daughter in the short-lived sitcom President Clown?
+
+I don't know her name, but she held up a liquor store last year.
+
+I smell bacon. Let's see if he's wearing a wire!
+
+Hey! Whoa! No! Not the face!
+
+[ Gasping ]
+
+Lisa: It is the real Krusty.
+
+Look at that pacemaker scar, the cattle skull birthmark... and his famous superfluous nipple.
+
+At least you're not as bad as Customs.
+
+How could you, Krusty? I'd never lend my name to an inferior product.
+
+[ Loud Sobbing ] Oh!
+
+They drove a dump truck full Of money up to my house.
+
+I'm not made of stone!
+
+Krusty, this camp was a nightmare.
+
+They fed us gruel. They forced us to make wallets for export.
+
+And one of the campers was eaten by a bear.
+
+Oh, my God! [ Sobbing ]
+
+Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat.
+
+Was it a nice hat?
+
+Oh, yeah.
+
+Oh, my God!
+
+I'm gonna make it up to you. I'm gonna Show you kids the time of your life.
+
+Get ready for two weeks at the Happiest Place on Earth--
+
+Tijuana!
\ No newline at end of file