diff --git a/The_Simpsons/Simpsons-Season 4-Ch 1 2 3 4.txt b/The_Simpsons/Simpsons-Season 4-Ch 1 2 3 4.txt deleted file mode 100644 index f65346c..0000000 --- a/The_Simpsons/Simpsons-Season 4-Ch 1 2 3 4.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2932 +0,0 @@ -Let go! Let go! - -I'm all naked and wet! - -Get up, Homer. It's time for church. - -I don't wanna go. - -It's church. You have to go. - -Too cold out. - -I'm tired of having this argument every Sunday. Get dressed. - -Oh, stupid, itchy church pants. - -[ Grunting ] - -One size fits all, my butt! - -Come on. We're going to be late. - -[Pants Tearing] - -Forget it. I'm not going. - -[ Growls ] - -Hey, where's Homer? - -Your father's... resting. - -"Resting" hungover, "resting" got fired? Help me out here. - -Ahhh, I'm just a big, toasty cinnamon bun. - -I never wanna leave this bed. - -Uh-oh. Gotta take a whiz. - -Think, man. Think. - -Think, think, think. I better get up. - -I'm whizzin' with the door open, and I love it. - -♪ [ Singing ] - -[ Blubbering ] - -Man: It's I 1 K-BBL degrees below zero. - -I hope you're someplace warm. - -You bet your sweet... a*s! - -I'm afraid our furnace isn't working. - -Man: Yeah, what's the story? - -But let's just put it out of our minds... and turn to the lamentations of Jeremiah... long version. - -"Joy is gone from our hearts... our dancing has turned to mourning. '" - -♪ [Rock And Roll] - -♪ [Girls Singing] - -♪ [ Singing ] - -The perfect chance to make my patented, space-age... out-of-this-world moon waffles. - -Let's see here. - -Caramels. Waffle batter. - -Liquid smoke. - -Oooh, waffle runoff. - -Mmm, fattening. - -And he was cast into the fiery cauldron of hell! - -The searing heat... the scalding rivers of molten sulfur! - -Ahhh, I'm there. - -Uh-oh. [ Whistling ] - -Here, boy. - -Okay, okay, okay, okay. - -The service has ended. Go in peace. - -♪ [Pipe Organ] - -[ Grunting ] - -The door's frozen shut, and it's the only way out! - -[ Chattering ] - -Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be-- - -Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place. - -[Man On Radio] That was Johnny Calhoun with... - -"Gonna Find Mea Genie With a Magic Bikini. '" - -[Man 2] Johnny's next record was a spoken word album of his right-wing political views. - -It k*lled his career. If you can tell me the name Of that album, call our contest line now. - -[ Gasps ] I know that! - -[ Line Ringing ] - -Hello. This is Homer Simpson. - -[ Man ] Homer, can you name that title? - -"This Things I Believe." - -[ Man 2 ] Uh, can we accept that? - -[ Cash Register Ringing ] - -Whoo-hoo! - -How's that door coming, Willy? - -Miracles are your department, Reverend. - -Uh, while we're waiting, Why don't I read from the Sunday bulletin? - -Card table for sale. Top badly damaged. Leg missing. - -Otherwise fine. One dollar or best offer. - -[ Woman On TV] You must be the three chiropractors I sent for. - -Now, start manipulating my spine. - -Curly: Hey, Moe, we don't know nothin' about manipulatin. - -Moe: You heard the lady. Grab her spine and get crackin. - -[Punch Landing] - -[ Chuckling ] Moe is their leader. - -[Curly Whooping] - -Moe: Why, you! - -[Punch Landing] - -Curly: Hey! - -[ Grunting ] Huzzah! - -Plea-Please, Christians, don't push. - -Excuse me. Pardon me. Whoop. Coming through. Howya doing? Love that hat, baby. - -Come on,  TV. Give me some of that sweet, sweet pap. - -Well, let's define our terms, gentlemen. - -Are we talking about redistricting or are we talking about reapportionment? - -Oh, well, can't win 'em all. - -[ Man ] We interrupt this public affairs program to bring you a football game. - -Yes! - -[ Whistle Blowing ] - -[ Engine Not Turning Over] - -[Marge lmitating Engine] - -[ Imitating Engine ] - -Give it a little more gas. - -[Pedal Banging] - -No, no, that's too much. You know what I think would help? - -What? What would help? - -Nothing. - -Oh, doctor. A 98-yard triple reverse... ties the score at 63-63. - -We have seen nothing but razzle-dazzle here today... three visits from Morganna the Kissing Bandit... and the astonishing return of Jim Brown. - -Whoo-hoo! - -Is that what I think it is? - -Mm-hmm. - -I found... a penny! - -Could this be the best day of my life? - -[ Laughing ] - -Looks like we have a new champion. - -Ah, my beloved family. - -How was church? - -[ Muttering ] - -[ Snorting ] - -I, on the other hand, have been having the best day of my life... and I owe it all to skipping church. - -That's a terrible thing to say! Kids, your father doesn't really mean that. - - - -Like fun I don't. Marge, I'm never going to church again! - -Homer, are you actually giving up your faith? - -No. No, no, no, no, no, no. - -Well, yes. - -I can't believe you're giving up church, Homer. - -Hey, what's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday? - -I mean, isn't God everywhere? - -Amen, brother. - -And don't you think that the Almighty has better things to worry about... than where one little guy spends one measly hour of his week? - -Tell it, Daddy. - -And what if we pick the wrong religion? - -Every week we're just making God madder and madder. - -Testify! - -[ Groaning ] - -Lord, my husband is by no means perfect... but he's a kind, decent man. - -Please show him the error of his ways. - -Marge, come to bed. - -No, Homer. - -He doesn't mean to be sacrilegious, Lord. - -He just likes to sleep in on Sundays. - -Marge. Come to bed, Marge. - -[ Whispering ] Lord, please. He's not a bad person, Lord, really. - -It's good for what ails ya. - -He doesn't mean any harm. - -I can wait all-- - -[ Snoring ] - -[Rumbling] - -[ Gasps ] - -[ Static Humming ] - -[ Gulps ] - -God? - -Thou has forsaken my church! - -Well, kind of, but-- - -But what? - -I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. - -So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell? - -Hmm, you've got a point there. - -You know, sometimes... even I'd rather be watching football. - -Does St. Louis still have a team? - -No, they moved to Phoenix. - -Oh, yeah. - -You know what I really hate about church? Those boring sermons. - -Oh, I couldn't agree more. - -That Reverend Lovejoy really displeases me. - -I think I'll give him a canker sore. - -Give him one for me. - -I will. - -So I figure I should just try to live right-- [ Purring ] and worship you in my own way. - -Homer, it's a deal. - -Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to appear on a tortilla in Mexico. - -Dad, can I ask you a question? - -Sure, honey. - -Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy? - -Don't worry, sweetheart. If I'm wrong, I'll recant on my deathbed. - -Hello, my animal friends. Peace be with you. - -Guys, please, could you give me five minutes? - -Reverend Lovejoy, I had a bit Of an ulterior motive in inviting you to dinner. - -[ Shouts ] What? - -No, it's nothing bad. - -I'm just concerned because my husband hasn't been attending your services lately. - -Well, I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing... but then God himself told me I should seek a new path. - -Oh, really? - -Yeah. He appeared before me in a dream... and I knew that was special because I usually dream about naked... Marge. - -[ Groans ] - -So, Homer, you saw the big cheese? - -What'd he look like? - -Perfect teeth, nice smell, a class act all the way. - -Homer, you're crazy! Tell him this is all crazy. - -Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26. - -The foolish man who built his house on sand. - -And you remember... - -Matthew 21 :1 7. - -"And he left them and went out of the city into Bethany and he lodged there"? - -Yeah. Think about it. - -Hello, work? This is Homer Simpson. - -I won't be coming in tomorrow. Religious holiday. - -The, uh, Feast of Maximum Occupancy. - -Pretty slick. - -You should join my religion, Moe. - -It's great. No hell, no kneeling-- - -Sorry, Homer. I was born a snake handler, and I'll die a snake handler. - -[Doorbell Rings] - -Neighbor, I heard about your heresy... and we've made it our mission to win you back to the flock. - -No sale. - -Homer, Christian life isn't all praying and sacrifice. - -Hey, dig this. - -♪ [ Singing Religious Song ] - - - -[ Snoring ] - -[Phone Ringing] - -♪ [ Flanders Family Singing ] - -♪ [ Singing ] - -Leave me alone. - -Dad, the heathen's getting away. - -I see him, son. - -[ Crossing Bells Dinging ] - -[ Horn Blaring ] - -[ Screams ] - -[ Chuckles ] - -Where we going? - -Garbage lsland. - -[ Horn Blaring ] - -Huh? - -[ Screaming ] - -[ Cheering ] - -Let's go, kids. - -How come we have to go to church and Dad gets to stay home and watch cartoons? - -[ Groans ] - -I have a responsibility to raise these children right. - -And unless you change, I'll have to tell them their father is... well, wicked. - - - -Kids, let me tell you about another so-called "wicked" guy. - -He had long hair and some wild ideas... and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. - -And that man's name was-- - -I forget. But the point is-- - -I forget that too. Marge, you know who I'm talking about. - -He used to drive that blue car. - -Kids, could you wait outside for us? - -Homer, please don't make me choose between my man and my god... because you just can't win. - -There you go again. Always taking someone else's side-- - -Flanders, the water department, God. - -I'm only going to ask you one last time. - -Are you sure you won't come with us to church? - -[ Man On TV] Coming up next: make your own ladder. - -Very sure. - -My friends, the devil walks among us! - -[ Chattering ] - -I got him! - -No, don't look for the pitchfork and pointy tail. - -Today's devil has assumed a more seductive form... pleasing to the eye. - -Oooh, a interview with Lorne Michaels. - -Oooh. Wait. That's no good. - -Hey, now we're talking. - -"Our unabashed dictionary defines I.U.D. as... - -"love springs internal."' - -I don't get it. - -[Doorbell Chimes] - -Hello. - -I'm collecting for the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns. - -Last year, tornadoes claimed the lives of75Jewish clowns. - - - -The worst incident was during our convention in Lubbock, Texas. - -There were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere. - -It was terrible. [ Sobbing ] - -Wait a minute. Is this a religious thing? - -A religious clown thing, yes. - -Sorry. - -Well, bless you any-- - -Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy! - -Apu, I see you're not in church. - -Oh, but I am. I have a shrine to Ganesha... the god of worldly wisdom located in the employee lounge. - -Hey, Ganesha, want a peanut? - -Please do not offer my god a peanut. - -No offense, Apu, but when they were handing out religions... you must've been out taking a whiz. - -Mr. Simpson, please pay for your purchases and get out and come again. - -Pride goeth before destruction! - -Boy, everyone is stupid except me. - -[Snoring] - -Marge, turn down the heat. - -That's better. - -[ Snoring ] - -[ Sniffing, Whines ] - -[ Growling ] - -[ Screams ] Fire! What do I do? What do I do? - -[ Coughing ] - -Oh, the song, the song. - -♪ [ Singing ] - -D'oh! [ Coughing ] - -[Apu Gasps] Fire at the old Simpson place! - -You're on your honor not to steal anything. - -Oh, we won't. - -Little Jamshed, the store is in your hands. - -How I have waited for this day. - -[ Cocks Shotgun ] - -[ Siren Wailing ] - -[ Quacking ] - -You ducks are really trying my patience! - -But you're so cute. - -Homer. Homer! - -No! - -[ Homer Moans ] - -Dear Lord, may your loving hand guide Homer to the mattress, square and true. - -Okay. - -[Siren Wailing] - -[ Coughing ] - -Flanders, you saved me. - -Why? - -Heck, you'd have done the same for me. - -Help! Help! - -[ Laughing ] - -That's right, old friend. - -[ Bart, Lisa ] Dad! - -Oh, Homie, are you all right? - -Our magazines and roach traps, gone. All gone. - -[ Cat Screeching ] - -I saved your cat. Ow! That hurt. - -Hey, what are these axes for? - -I don't know. Chopping stuff. - -Gotcha. - -Uh, that's some nice chopping. - -Truly, this was an act of God. - -Hey, wait a minute. Flanders is a regular Charlie Church... and God didn't save his house. - -D'oh! - -Any valuables in the house? - -Well, the Picasso, my collection of classic cars-- - -Sorry. This policy only covers actual losses, not made-up stuff. - -Well, that's just great. - -Fire, man's oldest foe. - -Insatiable, remorseless, unquenchable. - -Hey, it's out. - -[ Cheering ] - -Coming up next, which work better-- springy clothespins or the other kind? - -You know, I have a feeling there's a lesson here. - -Yes, the lesson is-- - -No, don't tell me. I'll get it. - -Oh, I know. The Lord is vengeful. - -O Spiteful One, show me who to smite, and they shall be "smoten." - -Homer, God didn't Set your house on fire. - -No, but he was working in the hearts Of your friends and neighbors... when they went to your aid... be they Christian, Jew or... miscellaneous. - -Hindu. There are 700 million of us. - -Aw, that's super. - -I was rude to every one of you. - -And you saved my life when you could have just left me to fry... like the proverbial pancake that I am. - -Oh, Homey, I'm so glad to hear you say that. - -Now, would you give church another try? - -I'll be there next Sunday, front row, center. - -[ Snoring Loudly] - -♪ [Harp] - -Don't feel bad, Homer. Nine out often religions fail in their first year. - -That's game, Hendrix! - -God, I gotta ask you something. What's the meaning of life? - -Homer, I can't tell you that. - -Come on. - -You'll find out when you die. - -I can't wait that long. - -You can't wait six months? - -No, tell me now. - -Well, okay. - -Well, okay. - -The meaning of life is-- - -Man: Principal Skinner, "The Happiest Place on Earth'... is a registered Disneyland copyright. - -Well, gentlemen, it's just a small school carnival. - -And it's heading for a great big lawsuit. - -You made a big mistake, Skinner. - -Well, so did you. - -You got an ex-Green Beret mad. - -[ Groaning, Gagging ] - -[ Gasps ] - -[ Groans ] - -Copyright expired. - -And... begin! - -This sucks. - -Aah! - -Ha-ha! - -Pick the red, get ahead. Pick the black, set you back. - -Hmm. I don't recall authorizing this booth. - -Good-bye, gentlemen. - -[ All Gasp ] - -[ Coughing ] - -Get your haggis right here! - -Chopped heart and lungs... boiled in a wee sheep's stomach! - -Tastes as good as it sounds! - -Good for what ails ya! - -[ Mutters, Groans ] - -I'd say... 53 years old and 420 pounds. - -Ha-ha, you lose! 36 and 239. - -Hmm. - -♪ [Rock Over P.A.] - -Hey, Otto-man, I dare you to make this go faster. - -Ooh! Challenge accepted! - -♪ [Continues] - -I'll be in Mexico till this thing blows over. - -[Spectators Gasping] - -[ Yelling, Shouting ] - -Oh, boy! A "spookhouse"! - -Hand over all your money. - -[Milhouse Grunts] - -Was it scary? - -Uh-huh. - -Ooh, baby. - -Uh-oh. - -So, girlie, you like roller-skating? - -No. - -Yeah, everybody loves roller-skating. - -Okay, you can turn around now. - -[ Gasps ] - -[Spectators Laughing] - -Oh, my God! I'm ugly! - -Now, in a moment, we'll be raffling of four grand prize-- a ride on the famous Duff Beer blimp! - -A ride on the Duff blimp. - -You see the circular pattern on those fields? - -That's from central-pivot irrigation. - -Wow. - -Now let's see what's happening at the Super Bowl. - -[ Crowd Cheering ] - -[ Crowd Chanting ] Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer! - -[ Chanting Stops ] - -Man: Oops. Sorry. - -[ Chanting Continues ] Homer! Homer! Homer! - -[ Softly] Homer! Homer! Homer! - -But first, our second-prize winner... and the recipient of this handsome shoe buffer-- - -Ned Flanders! - -[ Gasps ] Ah! - -Man: Go, Ned! - -Oh, it's no fair. - -We'll never have a buffer. - -We have one at home. - -You never use it. - -Well, I want that one. - -And the winner of the blimp ride is... - -Homer Simpson! - -Oh, my God! - -[ Whimpers ] - -♪ [ Singing ] - -[ Sobbing ] - -Honey, what's wrong? - -Dad, do you think I'm ugly? - -What are you talking about? - -[ Chuckling ] - -Oh, Lisa, this isn't real. - -It's just how you might look If you were a cartoon character. - -I'm an ugmo. - -Now, that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear. - -Fathers have to say that stuff. - -Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear? - -No! You're homely as a mule's butt! - -There. See? - -I'd like to be alone, please. - -[ Sobbing ] - -Moe, have you ever felt unattractive? - -Mmm, no. - -How about you, Barney? - -Not for a second. [ Belches ] - -Yeah. I need help. - -[Together] Whee! Whee! - -Whee! Whee! - -Whee! - -I guess every father thinks his daughter is the cutest. - -Well, now there's a way to prove it. - -Wow, President of Laramie Cigarettes, jack Larson! - -This year, Laramie is sponsoring... the Little Miss Springfield Pageant. - -You see, government regulations prohibit us from advertising on  TV. - -[ Inhales, Exhales ] Ahh. - -That sweet Carolina smoke. - -But they can't prohibit us from holding a beauty pageant... for little girls age seven to nine. - -Lisa's age seven to nine! - -Your daughter could be crowned Little Miss Springfield by our host... the maitre d' of glee, Krusty the Clown! - -I heartily endorse this event or product. - -What a feeling! I'm as happy as a smoker... taking that first puff in the morning. - -That could be Lisa! - -The Little Miss Springfield Pageant. - -Only $250 to enter. - -Oh! - -Hey, Barney, will you give me 250 bucks for this blimp ticket? - -Sure! - -[ Gasps ] Where'd you get all the money? - -From some scientist. - -Since they stopped testing on animals... a guy like me can really clean up. - -[ Gulping ] - -I'm hideous. - -Lisa, I know a song that will cheer you up. - -♪ [ Singing ] - -So you think I'm ugly? - -No! - -No, I meant you were one Of the good-looking ducks... that makes fun of the ugly one. - -Lisa, if you could have one wish, what would it be? - - - -To shut myself off from the world and never be seen by human eyes again. - -Was your second wish to be entered in the Little Miss Springfield Pageant? - -What are you talking about? - -I sent in an application for you. - -I couldn't find a big enough photo, so I sent in... that funny drawing of you on roller skates. - -How could you? I won't do it! - -[ Sobbing ] - -Homer, Lisa's already sensitive about her looks. - -This is the last thing she needs. - -But I think she'll win. - -Dad, have you seen the girls they have in those contests? - -Hubba, hubba! [ Panting ] - -[ Howling ] - -Hey, nobody's prettier than my little girl. - -You're looking at her through a father's eyes. - -Well, if I could gouge out somebody else's eyes... and shove them into my sockets, I would. - -But to me, she's beautiful. - -That is so sweet. - -Honey, no one's going to force you to do anything. - -But do you know how your father got the money to enter you in this pageant? - -Nope. - -He sold his ride on the Duff blimp. - -But that ride meant everything to him! - -♪ [ Singing Sadly] - -I'll do it. - -Did you see Tina Epstein? - -Whoa! - -If you're gonna binge, you'd better purge. Uh-oh. - -Amber Dempsey. - -In the same week... she was Pork Princess and Little Miss Kosher. - -She's beautiful. - -Wait. - -She's about to bring out the big g*ns. - -Eyelash implants. - -I thought those were illegal. - -Not in Paraguay. - -There's no way I can beat this girl. - -She's the Jack Nicklaus Of the pageant circuit. - -Oh, I don't know that she's as attractive as Jack Nicklaus. - -♪ [ Humming ] - -I meant because they both win all the time, Mom. - -Oh. Well, yes. That's what I meant too. - -Well, tell you what. This afternoon... - -I'll take you to the beauty parlor and show you just how lovely you can be. - -And later, I'll teach you the tricks of the trade-- taping your swimsuit to your butt... petroleum jelly on your teeth for that frictionless smile... and the ancient art of padding. - -[ Purring ] - -Are we done? - -We are just warming up. - -Oh, isn't this dangerous? - -Don't worry. I am well protected. - -Boy, when Lisa comes in, I want you to make a big fuss over how she looks. - -She'll see through me like Grandma's underpants. - -No, she won't. When it comes to compliments... women are ravenous, bloodsucking monsters... always wanting more, more, more! - -And if you give it to 'em, you'll get plenty back in return. - -Like what? - -I'll tell you when you're older. - -[ Chuckling ] - -[Door Slams Shut] - -[ Gasps ] Is that Lisa? - -Ooh, I gotta call heaven. There's an angel missing. - -And who's your little school friend? - -Wait a minute. That's Mom! - -Oh, my goodness! How gallant! - -Isn't that nice? Thank you. - -I know two fellas who are gonna get a special dinner tonight. - -Hey, hey! - -Whoo-hoo! - -Dad, you know anything else about women? - -Nope, that's it. - -Hey, brush-head, you've been nursing that thing for an hour. - -You know, I was just wondering how someone who works at an ice  cream store... keeps such a trim figure. - -I've misjudged you. - -♪ [ Piano ] - -♪ [ Piano ] - -I said step, pause, turn, pause, pivot, step, step... not step, pause, turn, pause, pivot, step, pause! - -Ooh! Shudder! - -And the winner is... Lisa Simpson! - -[ Gasps ] - -Okay, wipe away a tear. - -Hug the loser. - -And now, for your triumphant walk down the runway. - -Whoa! Ooh! Aah! - -It's hopeless! - -There's nothin' to it. Give me those heels. - -Heel, toe, heel, toe, heel, toe. Hmm. - -Do you really think I can win? - -Hey, I'm starting to think I can win. - -But those other girls are prettier than me. - -Lise, as your brother... this is the hardest thing I've every had to say. - -You're not ugly. - -Oh, Bart! - -♪ [Up-tempo] - - - -[ Talking Over Music ] Out on our own! Making it work! - -Gasping for air! Having it all! - -My name is Amber Dempsey, and when I grow up I want to be a sweetie pie. - -[Applause] - -I am Pahasatira Nahasapeemapetilon... and tonight I will be playing "Mac Arthur Park" on the tabla. - -[ Laughing ] - -No, I am serious. - -Yes! Judges, there's your queen. - -Who's watching the Kwik-E-Mart? - -[ Both Gasp ] - -[ Grunting ] - -[ Laughing ] - -My name is Lisa Simpson, and I want to be Little Miss Springfield... so I can make our town a better place! - -Yeah! Clean up this stink-hole! - -[ Panting, Grunts ] - -Krusty! About time you got here. - -Yeah, yeah. What is this-- the, uh, Republican fund-raiser? - -Checking it out! Hitting the heights! - -Making a wish! Dreaming a dream! - -♪ [ Singing ] - -[ All ] Me! - -♪ [Ends] - -Oh, that brisket's not sittin' right. - -♪ [ Singing ] - -[ Snoring ] - -Oh, that just kept goin', huh? - -And now here's... Lisa Simpson! - -They'll love you just as much as I do. - -Thanks, Dad. - -Mmm. - -Some people say that to love your country is old-fashioned... uncool, real melvin. - -Well, to them I say-- - -♪ [ Singing Patriotic Song ] - -One, two, three, four! ♪ [ Singing Rock And Roll Song] - -[ Cheering ] - -This is my favorite part Of the pageant, because-- - -What does that say? Oh. - -It gives me a chance to visit with the girls personality. - -Uh, personally. - -Amber, do you think the Bill of Rights... is a good thing or a bad thing? - -Um-- - -Take your time, dear. - -Good thing. - -[ All Fawning ] - -And now it's time to name our runner-up... who, if the winner doesn't fulfill her duties-- [ Muttering lncoherently] - -And don't say it'll never happen... because we all remember that thing with what's-her-name. - -Click, click. You know. - -Okay, the runner-up is... - -[ Groans ] - -[Cymbal Crash] - -Lisa Simpson! - -Which means Amber Dempsey is the new Little Miss Springfield! - -[Applause] - -♪ [Orchestra] - -♪ [ Singing ] - -Coming up next, a new fad that's sweeping the nation-- wasting food. - -But first, let's join the new Little Miss Springfield, Amber Dempsey... as she helps open the Danish super-chain "Shop." - - - -Scott, everyone is here... from the mayor's illegitimate son to our own Duff blimp. - -Hi. Can I drive? - -Well, I can't see the harm. - -[Barney Yelling] - -Oh, the humanity! Anyway... to turn on the store's "severe tire damage" spikes, here's Little Miss Springfield. - -♪ [Fanfare] - -Oh, dear. It would be a shame If that pretty dress got wet. - -I'd say the greater danger is her scepter acting as a lightning rod. - -Unless it's made out of plastic. - -[ Thunderclap ] - -Nope. Metal. - -Ladies and gentlemen, Little Miss Springfield has been struck by lightning. - -Man: Doctor, what is Amber's condition? - -Oh, she'll be fine. In fact... she's already won the Little Miss lntensive Care Pageant. - -Congratulations, Lisa. You're the new Little Miss Springfield. - - - -Here's your scepter. Oop! [ Laughing ] just kidding. - -Here you go. Oop! [ Laughing ] just kidding. - -[ Yelling ] - -I deserved that. - -That doesn't look like her body. - -The torso used to be Dr. Ruth. - -Her head is on a pike in the Chamber of Horrors. - -[Wolf Howling] - -[Wolf Whistles] - -Hi, fellas. - -Love that "chewing gum" walk. - -Very Wrigley. - -As Little Miss Springfield, it's my pleasure to welcome you to America... the land of opportunity. - -Actually, they're being deported. - -♪ [ Minor Key] - -[Man Over P.A.] And now, let's give a big Fort Springfield welcome... to Mr. Bob Hope! - -What's the mayor's name? - -Quimby. - -Beautiful. - -♪ [Orchestra] - -Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope. - -♪ [Ends] - -Hey, how about that Mayor Quimby? - -He's some golfer! His golfball spends more time underwater than Greg Louganis. - -[ Howling Laughter] - -And now, I wanna show you what you're fighting for, if there was a w*r on. - -Little Miss Springfield. - -Isn't she beautiful? - -Little Miss Springfield? - -First, Tony Randall cancels. Now this. - -[ Yelling, Shouting ] - -Hey, what gives here? This is bogus! Hey! - -Where do you think you're goin'? We want Miss Springfield! - -Hey, set me down at that boat show. - -I'm gonna be riding on a pack of cigarettes? - -Mm-hmm. We think you're the perfect spokesmodel for Laramies. - -It's part of our new campaign. - -Mmm, classy. - -[ Gasps ] - -You see, Lisa, it's been an unlucky year for Laramie. - -A lot of the people who smoke our product have been... well, dying. - -And we need young smokers to take their place. - -I don't wanna be a spokesperson for a cigarette company! - -But you're a role model To young people. - -And we're thinking of retiring Menthol Moose. - -[ Coughs, Spits ] - -Bless you, boys. - -Homer, those are ice  cream men. - -I know. - -[ Gasps ] - -Stop this float! - -[ Tires Screech ] - -What's the holdup? Go! - -I'm tired of being a corporate shill. - -[ Grunts ] - -From now on, I will speak out... against the evils in society... from dog-napping to cigarettes. - -Lisa: Before I sing the national anthem... - -I'd like to say that college football... diverts funds badly needed for education and the arts. - -Is that true? - -Let's get 'em! - -[ Grunting ] - -Let's get out of here! - -[ Grunting Continues ] - -Gentlemen, we need to get Lisa Simpson out... and Amber Dempsey back in. - -But this glorified, crossing-guard-of-a-police Chief won't get off his big fat can. - -Is it okay if I open these potato chips? - -[ Groans ] - -Gentlemen, our prayers have been answered. - -Take a look at our Little Miss Springfield's pageant application. - -Roxy, bring in a bottle of champagne. - -Yeah, and some dip for these chips or somethin'. - -Lisa Simpson is no longer Little Miss Springfield. - -She was stripped of her crown in a ceremony earlier today. - -Well, that's obviously the wrong footage. - -Uh, but it does seem the father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson... filled out the pageant application incorrectly. - -In the area under "Do not write in this space," he wrote, "Okay." - -If it wasn't for me, you'd still be queen. - -You must hate me. - -Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant? - -I don't know. Was I drunk? - -Possibly. - -But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself, and I do. - -Really? - -Uh-huh. - -Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life? - -It's a deal. - -And now, my exclusive interview with His Holiness, Pope John Paul I. - -That's it. I cannot work under these conditions. - -If anybody wants me, I'll be downstairs at McDougal's. - -Call the weekend guy. I don't care - -Live from beautiful Laughlin, Nevada... it's the Miss American Girl Pageant. - -Brought to you by: Smell like Streep For cheap! - -I'm your host, Troy McClure. And now, here come the ladies! - -[ Applause ] - -♪ [ Singing ] - -[ Troy] Like Miss South Dakota. - -Miss North Carolina. - -Miss lndiana. Miss Alaska. - -Kids, I won't be home tonight, so I'm leaving you some low-cal microwavable  TV dinners. - -Uh-- - -Okay. - -I'm auditioning for a play. - -It's a musical version Of A Street car Named Desire. - -Isn't that exciting? - -[ Troy] If you ask me, they're all winners! - -We'll be cutting our first 40 contestants right after this. - -Let's take a minute to meet our distinguished panel of judges. - -Skin-care consultant, Roweena. - -Syndicated columnist, William F. George. - -Token black panelist, Drederick Tatum. - -And Mr. Boswell, the man behind those infamous worst-dressed lists. - -Mr. Boswell, can you give us a sneak peek at this year's list? - - - -Memo to Goldie Hawn: cheerleading tryouts were 30 years ago. - -Let's grow up, shall we? - -[ All Laughing ] - -He's such a b*tch. - -I haven't been in a play since high school... and I thought it would be a good chance to meet some other adults. - -Sounds interesting. - -You know, I spend all day alone with Maggie... and sometimes it's like I don't even exist. - -Sounds interesting. - -[ Groans ] - -It's time to name our five finalists... starting with... Miss Montana. - -[Applause] - -A beaut from Butte. - -Miss South Carolina. - -Nothin' could be finer. - -Miss Delaware. - -She, uh-- - -Good for her. - -♪ [ Singing Scales ] - -Marge, keep it down in there! - -Homer, my audition is in half-- - -Hey, look, it's last year's winner, Debra Jo Smallwood! - -Tonight, my reign as Miss American Girl comes to an end. - - - -And I'd like to apologize one last time... for my unfortunate remarks at the United Nations. - -♪ [ Classical ] - -Maggie, cut that racket! - -And where exactly Are you going? - -I'm auditioning for a play. - -Well, this is the first I've heard about it. - -I told you several times. - -It's a musical version Of A Streetcar Na-- - -Excuse me, Marge! I think that if you told me, I would remember. - -I mean, I'm not an idiot! - -Hm. Well, I-I thought I told you. - -Kids, back me up. - -He's right, Mom. - -Sorry. - -Match point-- Homer. - -I'm sorry, honey. - -It's okay. We're none of us perfect. - -♪ [Piano] - -♪ [Singers Warming Up] - -♪ [ Vocalizing ] - -Well, howdy-do, neighbor. - -Hi, Ned. - -I didn't know you were an actor. - -Oh, indeedily-doodily. - -Uh, I've even been in Streetcar once before. - -I played Blanche DuBois. - -Mm-hmm. Just part of the fun Of going to an all-male school. - -Hello! I am Llewellyn Sinclair. - -I have directed three plays in my career... and I have had three heart att*cks. - -That's how much I care. - -I'm planning for a fourth. - -Maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class. - -Oh, forget about it. That Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic. - -Quiet! - -Sorry. - -I am not an easy man to work for. - -While directing Hats Off to Hanukkah... - -I reduced more than one cast member to tears. - -Did I expect too much from fourth graders? - -The review, "Play Enjoyed By All, '" speaks for itself. - -Hm. - -Those auditioning for the role of Stanley... take off your shirts. - -Take off your shirts! - -[ Repeating in French ] - -Schnell! Schnell! Schnell! - -Uh-uh. Nope. Try joining a gym. - -Oh, ye gods! - -Hey, man, if you like that, you should see my butt. - -You. You're my Stanley. - -Hot diggity! How 'bout that, Marge? - -Little ol' Stanley me. [ Chuckles ] - -[ Weakly] "Stella. Stella!" [ Laughs ] - -♪ [ Singing ] - -Next! - -♪ [ Singing ] - -Next! - -♪ [ Singing ] - -Next! - -♪ [ Singing ] - -Thank you for nothing. - -You're all terrible! - -What you ladies don't understand is that Blanche... is a delicate flower being trampled by an uncouth lout-- - -[ Sighs ] Forget it! just strike the sets. - -Clear the stage. This production is-- - -Homie, I didn't get the part. - -You were right. Outside interests are stupid. - -Wait a minute. - -[ Groans ] I'll come home right away. - -All right. I'll pick up a bucket Of fried chicken, extra skin... rolls, chocolate  cream parfait-- - -[ Gasps ] - -Stop bothering my Blanche! - -Oh! - -I play an aging Southern beauty who's driven to insanity... by her brutish brother-in-law, Stanley. - -Wow! My mother the actress. - -I feel like Lucie Arnaz Luckinbill. - -Are there any jive-talking robots in this play? - -I don't think so. - -Bart, don't ask stupid questions. - -Is there any frontal nudity? - -No, Homer. - -My name is Helen Lovejoy, and I'll be playing Stella. - -I am Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. I play Steve. - -My name is "Ot-to!" I'm playing "Pab-lo!" - -Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. - -I'm filing a class-action suit against the director... on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. - -I also play Mitch. - -I'm Marge Simpson. - -I'll be playing Blanche. I made some peanut butter brownies for everyone. - -Well, would anyone else like a bite of banality? - -I would. - -Stanley-- - -Yeah? - -You're pulsing with animal lust! - -You take Blanche and you fling her roughly to the bed. - -Roger-dodger. - -Grr. - -Aww, isn't that cute! - -And me without a camera. - -Here. My sister runs a day care center. - -Hmm. I guess a few weeks wouldn't hurt her. - -Maggie is allergic To strained pears... and she likes a bottle of warm milk before nap time. - -A bottle? [ Laughs ] - -Mrs. Simpson, do you know what a baby's saying when she reaches for a bottle? - -"Ba-ba?" - -She's saying, "I am a leech." - -Our aim here is to develop the bottle within. - -That sounds awfully harsh. - -Mrs. Simpson, I don't like to toot my own horn... but we're the only day care center in town... that's not currently under investigation by the state. - -Oh. Well, be a good girl, Maggie. - -I'm sorry, Maggie. We don't allow these here. - -♪ You're a dame and I'm a fella ♪ -♪ Stanley, stop or I'll tell Stella ♪ - -Passion, Mrs. Simpson. Anger. - -This man disgusts you! - -♪ All I want is one embrace ♪ -♪ I'll twist this bottle in your face ♪ - -Mm. Mm. Mm! - -[ Chuckles ] Here, Marge, let me. Hate to be an armchair Blanche... but I always gave it one of these-- - -There. There's the ol' face-shredder. - -Oh. - -Mrs. Simpson, if you set out to push the bile to the tip of my throat... mission accomplished! - -I'm, uh-- I'm gonna crawl into bed with a bottle of amaretto. - -Good day. - -[ Homer] Easy, easy. Yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes-- D'oh! - -[ Electronic Voice ] 7-1 0 split. - -Homer, can you run some lines with me? - -Make Bart do it. - -It'll just take a sec. - -Gutter ball! - -D'oh! - -You see, Marge, while you're Off in your own little world... you forgot that other people have problems too. - -[ Sighs ] - -♪ [Action Movie Theme] - -[ Objects Crashing ] - -Don't like to nap, eh? We have a place for babies like you-- the box! - -All right, let "ham-ateur" night in Dixie commence. - -I'm sorry, Llewellyn, I just-- - -I just don't see why Blanche should shove a broken bottle in Stanley's face. - -Couldn't she just take his abuse with gentle good humor? - -Marge, your ride's here. - -Homer, it'll just be a few minutes more! - -♪ You're a dame and I'm a fella ♪ -♪ Stanley, stop or I'll tell Stella ♪ - - - -Marge. Marge! I'm asking For white-hot rage... and you're giving me a hissy fit. - -Marge, can I get some change for the candy machine? - -Oh, here! - -[ Clattering ] - -Hey, there's some quarters in here. - -I just don't see what's so bad about Stanley. - -[ Grunting ] - -Stanley is thoughtless, violent and loud. - -Marge, every second you spend with this man... he is crushing your fragile spirit. - -You can't let that happen. - -[Yelling] - -Whoo-hoo! Come to papa. - -Marge, I'll be out in the car. - -♪ All I want is one embrace ♪ - -[Car Horn Honking] - -Marge, move it or lose it. - -♪ I'll twist this bottle in your face ♪ - -Aaah! - -Hallelujah! I've done it again! - -Ned, you're supposed to overpower her. - -I'm trying. I'm trying. [ Straining ] - -Salt me. - -[ Southern Accent ] Here you are, Homer. - -What the-- Why are you talking like that? - -The play's tomorrow night. [ With Accent ] I've got to stay in character. - -[ With Accent ] Would it help if I talked like this too? - -It might. - -[ Cockney Accent ] An' I'll talk like 'is. Bob's yer uncle, mate. - -That really doesn't help, Bart. - -Big Daddy, would y'all mind passin' a lil' ol' biscuit? - -Can I slog off school tomorrow? Got a pain in me gulliver. - -I'm livin' in a cuckoo clock! - -Oh, see you later, kids. I've got to go rehearse with Ned. - -But, Marge, what about dessert? - -For God's sakes, you can pull the lid off your own can of pudding! - -Fine. I will! - -[ Screeches ] Oh, no. - -My pudding is trapped forever! - -So I can open my own can Of pudding, can I? - -Shows what you know, Marge. - -Marge! - -Hey, Marge! - -Keep yelling, you big ape. - -Aren't you being a little hard on old Homie? - -Oh, forget about him. Let's rehearse the bottle scene. - -Oh! Let's not and say we did. Hmm? - -[ Muttering Lines ] - -So, what time does this play start? - -Why? Are you going? - -Well, I gotta go, don't I? - -I'm sure you won't enjoy it. There's nothing about bowling in the play. - -Oh, wait, there is. - -Probably not much of it. - -Why can't you be a little more supportive? - -'Cause I don't care, okay? I can't fake an interest in this... and I'm an expert at faking an interest in your kooky projects. - -What "kooky projects"? - -You know, the painting class... the first aid course, the whole Lamaze thing. - -Why didn't you tell me you felt this way? - -You know I would never do anything to hurt your feelings. - -Good night. [ Snores ] - -[ Groans ] - -Playing nicely, little humans? Good, good. - -Hello, Maggie. Poor little "dummard." - -♪ [Action Movie Theme] - -Hey, kids! I'm flame-retardant. - -[ Laughs ] - -[Footsteps Approaching] - -[ Gasps ] - -If I break, buy a new one. [Laughs] - -[Shatters] - -[ Gasps ] - -[ Squealing ] - -Maggie, time to go to the-- [Screeches] - -[ Loud Sucking ] - -[ Shudders ] Babies. - -Perhaps we are all A little mad... we who don the cap and bells and tread beneath the proscenium arch. - -But tonight, you will all be transformed from dead-eyed suburbanites... into white-hot grease fires of pure entertainment! - -Except you. You're not working out. - -I'll be playing your part. - -Drag. - -[Murmuring] - -♪ [Piano: Intro] - -♪ Long before the Superdome ♪ -♪ Where the Saints of football play ♪ -♪ Lived a city that the damned call home ♪ -♪ Hear their hellish ♪ -♪ Rondelet ♪ - -[ Creaking ] - -♪ [Orchestra] - -♪ New Orleans ♪ -♪ Home of pirates drunks and whores ♪ -♪ New Orleans ♪ -♪ Tacky, overpriced souvenir stores ♪ -♪ If you wanna go to hell you should take that trip ♪ -♪ To the Sodom and Gomorrah on the "Mississip" ♪ -♪ New Orleans ♪ -♪ Stinking, rotten "vomity" vile ♪ -♪ New Orleans ♪ -♪ Putrid, brackish maggoty, foul ♪ -♪ New Orleans ♪ -♪ Crummy, lousy rancid and rank ♪ -♪ New Orleans ♪ - -Woman: What's the matter, honey? Are you lost? - -Marge: I'm lookin' for my sister, Stella. - -Lisa: It's Mom! - -Huh? - -My name is Blanche DuBois. - -♪ [Jazz] - -♪ I thought my life would be a Mardi Gras ♪ -♪ A never-ending party ♪ - -Ha! - -♪ I'm a faded Southern dame ♪ -♪ Without a dime ♪ - -I'm collecting for the Evening Star. - -Come here. I want to kiss you... just once, softly and sweetly on your mouth. - -♪ [Orchestra] - -♪ I am just a simple paperboy ♪ -♪ No romance do I seek ♪ -♪ I just wanted 40 cents ♪ -♪ For my deliveries last week ♪ -♪ Will this bewitching floozy ♪ -♪ Seduce this humble newsie ♪ -♪ Oh, what's a paperboy to ♪ -♪ Do ♪ -♪ [Ends] - -Whoo-hoo! - -♪ [Orchestra] - -Stella! - -Stella! - -♪ Can't you hear me yell-a ♪ -♪ You're puttin' me through hell-a ♪ -♪ Stella ♪ - -Stella! - -Oh! Oh! - -Cool. She can fly. - -I think it's supposed to symbolize her descent into madness. - -Oh! Oh! Oh! - -♪ [Fades] - -Whoever you are, I have always depended... on the kindness of strangers. - -♪ [Orchestra] - -♪ You can always depend on the kindness of strangers ♪ -♪ To buck up your spirits and shield you from dangers ♪ -♪ Now here's a tip from Blanche you won't regret ♪ -♪ A stranger's just a friend you haven't met ♪ -♪ You haven't met ♪ - -Streetcar! - -♪ [Ends] - -Yea! - -Ah! [ Chuckles ] - -[ Together] Yea! - -You people out there, you're the stars. - -Cool! - -Hey, look at me. I'm Blanche DuBois. - -Mom! - -[ Grunts ] - -Way to go, Mom! - -Everybody was cheering for you! - -Almost everybody. - -Kids, wait in the car. - -I want to talk to your mother about this play thing. - -[ With Accent ] Lookin' for a spot off un with the missus, hey, guv'nor? - -Shut up, boy. Marge, you were terrific. - -Oh, come on, Homer. By the end, you were so bored... you could barely keep your selfish head up. - -I wasn't bored. I was sad. - -It really got to me how that lady, uh, um-- - -You know which one I mean. You played her. - -Blanche. - -Yeah. How Blanche was sad. - -And how that guy Stanley should have been nice to her. - -Yeah? Go on. - -I mean, it made me feel bad. - -The poor thing ends up being hauled to the nuthouse... when all she needed was for that big slob to show her some respect. - -Well, at least that's what I thought. - -I have a history of missing the point of stuff like this. - -No, Homer, you got it just right. - -Hey, you know, I'm a lot like that guy. - -Really? - -Yeah, like when I pick my teeth with the mail and stuff. - -Well, maybe just a little. - -Well, children, it's the last day of school. - -[ All ] Yea! - -Here are your grades. - -Oh, no, Mrs. Krabappel. - -If I don't get a "C" average, my dad won't let me go to Kamp Krusty. - -Well, it isn't fair to the other children, but all right. - -Much obliged, doll! - -[ Laughing ] - -Oh, Bart Simpson, I'm gonna miss you. - -Attention, everyone. This is Principal Skinner. - -I trust you all remembered to bring in your implements of destruction. - -Skinner: Now, let's trash this dump. - -♪ [Rock] - -Somebody put a torch to these permanent records. Quickly, now. - -♪ [ Vocalizing ] - -♪ [ Continues ] - -Wake up, boy. - -[ Groans, Gasps ] I dreamt it was the last day of school. - -Well, it is. - -Oh, how do I know this isn't Some beautiful dream too? - -Ow! You know, a pinch is more traditional. - -[ Loud Gobbling, Belching ] - -Homer, you do remember your promise to the children? - -Sure do! When you're I 8, you're out the door! - -No, Dad, you promised if Bart and I got "C" averages, we could go to Kamp Krusty. - -And with no false modesty, you're lookin' at one happy camper. - -[ Nervous Chuckling ] Yeah. - -Remember, when you see my report card, they got this new grading system this year. - -It now goes, "D," "B," "A," "C." - -Listen, boy, we have an understanding, and you'd better keep your end of it. - -I don't think I'd be any kind of a father If you got D's, and I let you go to Kamp Krusty. - - - -But, Dad! if you want something in this life, you have to work for it. - -Now, quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - -[ Man ] Seventeen, 32-- - -D'oh! five-- - -D'oh! eight-- - -Whoo-hoo! - -47. - -D'oh! - -[Skinner On P.A.] Attention, students. - -Please clear out your lockers into the waste baskets provided. - -Thirty-six, 24, 36. Ha, ha, ha. - -[ Cracks Knuckles ] - -Now, let's see what we got here. - -Ah, my gym shorts. - -Here are your final report cards. - -I have nothing left to say to any of you. - -So if nobody minds, let's just quietly run out the clock. - -[ Gasps ] - -I've never gotten a "B" before. - -How could this have happened? I feel so dirty! - -[ Grunting ] - -The dirt's not coming off!. [ Panting ] - -Okay. Calm down. - -This must just be a little typo. [ Nervous Giggle ] - -Oh, Miss Hoover! There appears to be a mistake on my report card. - -You gave me a B-plus in conduct? - -Now, Lisa, everyone needs a blotch on their permanent record. - -Perhaps I'm not making myself clear. [ Hysterical Giggle ] - -I think you should reconsider. - -Lisa, you're hurting me! - -Mrs. Krabappel, in figuring out my final grades... - -I hope you'll note that all Of my textbooks are being returned... in excellent condition-- in some cases, still in their original wrappings. - -Duly noted. - -I'd also like to add, as I gaze upon your beauty... - -I've never seen an angel fly so low. - -Forget it, short pants. - -Mrs. Krabappel, if I don't get at least a "C" average... - -I can't go to Kamp Krusty! - -Have a "D"-lightful summer! [ Laughing ] - -Five! - -Four! - -Three! - -Two! - -Don't open your mouth. - -One! - -[Bell Ringing] - -[ Cheering ] - -Wait a minute! You didn't learn how World w*r I ended. - -We won! - -Yea! U.S.A! - -U.S.A! - -U.S.A! U.S.A! - -I haven't seen such unfettered hurly-burly since the fall of Saigon. - -Well, William, another school year gone by. - -And may I say, a job well done, sir? - -Well, back to work then. - -Make sure to give those toilets a good scrubbing. - -We want the old girls sparkling when I get back. - -Aye, sir. Eh, you silk-wearing buttercup! - -All right! Three whole months Of Spaghetti Os and daytime  TV! - -So, Bart, will you be joining me in the bucolic splendor of Kamp Krusty? - -You bet. Check out this hand. All aces. - -[ Laughing ] A-plus! - -Oh, Bart, why didn't you at least forge plausible grades? - -[ Sighing ] Oh! - -Hi, kids! - -Only one week left to sign up for the bestest summer ever at Kamp Krusty! - -[ Grunts, Laughing ] - -Whoa! [ Laughing, Grunting ] - -Hey! Kamp Krusty is built on an actual lndian burial ground. - -We've got archery, wallet-making-- the whole megillah. - - - -[Chortling] And for you fat kids... my exclusive program of diet and ridicule... will really get results. - -And the best part is, when you come to Kamp Krusty... you'll spend the summer with me! - -Honest lnjun! [ Chortling ] - -Well, here goes nothin'. - -[Clattering] - -D'oh! Stupid roller skate. - -Well, Dad, here's my report card. - -I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. - -A-plus? - -You don't think much of me, do you, boy? - -No, sir. - -You know, a "D" turns into a "B" so easily. You just got greedy. - -So I won't get to go to camp? - -Now, Bart, we made this deal because I thought it would help you get good grades. - -And you didn't. But why should you pay for my mistake? - -You mean I can go? - -Yeah. - -I didn't want you hanging around all summer anyway. - -Oh, Dad, you're the best father a boy could ever have! - -Thanks, son. Now, you've got little hands. - -Can you reach under that mower and pull out that skate? - -[ Engine Starts ] - -Phew. Never mind. - -♪ [ Humming ] - -Bart, where's your bathing suit? - -I'm gonna swim "nekkid." - -You're what? - -Ah, sure, there'll be a couple Of up-tight counselors... who won't dig the Bart philosophy... but I feel the human body is a thing of beauty. - -Marge, am I crazy or is my back getting hairier? - -Before I go to camp, I'll need boosters for malaria... - -German measles, encephalitis, Hansen's disease-- - -Oh, now, I'm afraid what we have here is an advanced case of hypochondria. - -There's only one known cure-- a "wowwipop." [ Chuckling ] - -Don't patronize me, Doctor. - -It's our last family dinner for six weeks... but I promised myself I wouldn't cry. - -[ Loud Gulping, Snorting ] - -[ Sobbing ] - -Oh, I'm going to miss this! [ Sniffles ] - -Hey, hands off my pickle! - -I don't see your name on it, boy. - -No, but-- - -Oh, yeah? - -Check... mate! - -Always thinking two moves ahead. - -We'll see you when you get back from lmage Enhancement Camp. - -Spare me your euphemisms. It's fat camp for Daddy's chubby little secret! - -You promised you wouldn't make a scene. - -Mmm! [ Kissing ] - -Good-bye, my special little guy! - -Mmm! Mmm! Lisa, watch out for poison ivy. - -Remember: leaves of three, let it be. - -Leaves of four, eat some more. [ Laughing ] - -Good-bye. Good-bye, sweetie. - -Good-bye, Mom. - -Bye, Dad! I'll write you every day! - -Don't look in my closet. - -In fact, stay out Of my room altogether. - -Lisa: If the pets die, don't replace them. I'll know! - -[ All Cheering ] - -Woman: So long! Don't come back! - -Hi, kids! Welcome to Kamp Krusty! - -[ Chortling ] I'll see you in a few weeks. - -Until then, I've turned things over... to my bestest buddy in the whole wide world-- - -[ Dubbed Voice ] Mr. Black. - -I want you to treat-- - -[Dubbed Voice] Mr. Black. with the same respect you would give me. - -Now here's-- - -[ Dubbed Voice ] Mr. Black. - -Thank you, Krusty, and welcome, children. - -I am Mr. Black, your head counselor. - -For the past I 5 years, I was president of Euro-Krustyland... until it blew up. - -I'll take any questions you might have. You, and then one more. - -Can we call you Uncle Blackie? - -No. Last question. - -When do we get to see Krusty? - -Uh, he will be along eventually. - -In the meantime, our counselors Dolph, Jimbo and Kearney... will be happy to handle any problems you may have. - -[ Coughs ] - -Looks like we got ourselves a troublemaker. - -[ Grunting ] - -[ Giggling ] - -You can have the shower to yourself, Homie. - -I'm finished. - -Oh, no, you're not. - -Ohh! - -[ Chuckling ] - -Here's your cabin. If you don't like it, T.S. - -[ Squawking ] - -[ Gasping ] - -[ Rattling ] - -This is a little more rustic than I expected. - -I'm not worried, Lise. You know why? - -Because of this. The Krusty Brand Seal of Approval. - -You can only find it on products which meet the high personal standards... of Krusty the Clown. - -Ow! - -Oops. I should've warned you. - -That clock gets incredibly hot If you leave it plugged in. - -That's okay. Uh, all this stuff is fine. - -[ Chortling ] - -Now I am off to Wimbledon! - -Don't we get to roast marshmallows? - -Shut up and eat your pinecone. - -Uh, are you sure that's safe? - -Well, it ain't gettin' any safer. - -[ All Gasping ] - -[Footsteps] - -All right, you b*lls of pan drippings! - -I want to see Crisco coming out of those pores! - -We're not leaving until this Christmas ham gives me a pull-up. - -♪ [ Acoustic Guitar] - -♪ [ Singing ] - -Louder! Faster! - -♪ [Continues] - -[Grunts] - -[Wood Creaking] - -[ All Groaning ] - -You're serving us gruel? - -Not quite. - -This is Krusty Brand lmitation Gruel. - -Nine out of I 0 orphans can't tell the difference. - -Yo, Mr. Black. Another brandy. - -Gentlemen, to evil. - -Marge, since the kids left, I've lost five pounds! - -Oh, that's wonderful! - -And look-- new hair! - -I'm this close to having a comb-over. - -[ Purring ] - - - -[ Giggling ] - -[Laughing] - -Oh! - -[ Shuddering ] - -Lights out, losers! - -Yeah, we're meetin' some tail on the other side of the lake. - -[ Chuckling ] - -[Locks Sliding Shut] - -I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart. - -We're all gonna die, Lise. - -I meant soon. - -So did I. - -Mmm. Strawberries. - -Mmm. [ Slurping ] Ah, that's good. - -Hey, Lendl! Choke! Choke! Yeah! - -[ Man ] Point and game, Becker. - -And will the harlequin in the third row Please keep his voice down? - -[ Chortles ] Sorry, folks. - -[ Grunts ] Sorry, Your Majesty. - -Hmph! - -[ Thinking ] Dear kids, I hope this letter finds you well. - -We're doing great. - -Your father is in the best shape he's been since-- well, ever! - -[ Grunts ] Strength! Agility! - -[Marge's Voice] We miss you terribly. - -I hope these jelly bean cookies will tide you over until you get home. - -Hey, Simpson! Tell your mom her cookies sucked. - -[ Sighs ] - -[ Thinking ] Dear Mom and Dad, I no longer fear hell... because I've been to Kamp Krusty. - -Our nature hikes have become grim death marches. - -[ Groans ] - -A snake bit me. - -Back in line, maggot! - -Lisa: Our arts and crafts center is, in actuality, a Dickensian workhouse. - -Come on, wimps! - -These Gucci wallets have to be on the streets of Hong Kong by Friday. - -Lisa: Bart makes it through the days relying on his unwavering belief... that Krusty the Clown will come through. - - - -Krusty is coming. Krusty is coming. Krusty's coming. - -But I am far more pessimistic. - -I am not sure lf this letter will reach you as our lines of communication have been cut. - -Giddyap! - -Now the effort of writing Has made me lightheaded... so I close by saying, "Save us! Save us now!'" - -Bart and Lisa. - -[ Chuckling ] - -Ah, kids' letters from camp. - -Oh, she complains now, but when we go to pick her up, she won't want to leave. - -[Wind Howling] - -[Thunderclaps] - -Lisa, I've been thinking it over. Next summer, I'm getting a job. - -[ Moaning ] - -Oh, Homer. It's getting late. - -We'll miss the fireworks. - -Marge, we've got all the fireworks we need right here. - -Well, kids, I promised you a little treat in lieu of dinner... and here it is-- the man who took an abandoned mule tannery and turned it into a summer wonderland... - -Mr. Krusty the Clown. - -See? I told you Krusty would come. just like I said. - -He's gonna bring us food and water, and smite our enemies! - -[ Flies Buzzing ] - -Now, I must tell you kids, Krusty has laryngitis and a bad back... so he won't be saying anything or doing anything. - -Krusty looks fat. - -He's really having trouble keeping his balance. - -He's still funny, but not ha-ha funny. - -That's not Krusty the Clown! - -[ Kids Gasping ] - -What do you think? I slapped a clown suit on some wino? - -[ Nervous Laughing ] I mean, I-- - -Yeah, Bart. - -I am so Krunchy the Clown! [ Belches ] - -All right. That's it. - -I've been scorched by Krusty before. - -I got a rapid heartbeat from those Krusty Brand vitamins. - -My Krusty calculator didn't have a seven or an eight! - - - -And Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions. - -But this time, he's gone too far! - -We want Krusty! We want Krusty! We want Krusty! - -Yeah, we want Krunchy! We want Krunchy! - -I thought you said you broke their spirits. - -We did. - -You broke nothing. - -[ Bart ] Let's get 'em! - -To the hydrofoil! - -[ All Clamoring ] - -My chunky brothers, gorge yourselves at the trough of freedom! - -[ Cheering ] - -[ Slurping ] - -Ahh! Sweet, nourishing gruel! - -Kowalski! - -My brownies! - -Wiggum! - -A change of underwear! - -Crandall! - -My insulin! - -[ Squeaking ] - -Bart! You said you were gonna name it Camp Freedom! - -Aah, this has more zing. - -I dub thee Sir-- - -Urgent call for Mr. Clown. - -This better be important. Oy, gevalt! just let your head flop back and forth. - -Your neck is a well-cooked piece of asparagus. - -[ Man On TV] We interrupt Sadrudin Mabaradad's Yoga Party for this special bulletin-- - -"Krisis at Kamp Krusty." - -[ Gasps ] - -Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan and lraq... and I can say without hyperbole... that this is a million times worse than all of them put together. - -[ Chanting ] Burn, Krusty, burn! Burn, Krusty, burn! - - - -A group of school-aged Spartacuses has taken this camp by force. - -Three counselors are missing and presumed scared. - -What's that? I'm being told I can have an exclusive interview with the ringleader. - -[ Thinking ] Don't be the boy. Don't be the boy. - -D'oh! - -I just want the whole world to know that this was a really crappy camp. - -Can I say "crappy" on  TV? - -Yes, on this network, you can. - -Is it true you attempted suicide when you heard the news? - -Are you and Princess Di just friends? - -You people make me sick! - -You're vultures! Where were you when I sang at Farm Aid? - -Out of my way, you parasites! I said, out of my way! - -I'm no fake. I'm the real Krusty. - -Oh, yeah? Who played your daughter in the short-lived sitcom President Clown? - -I don't know her name, but she held up a liquor store last year. - -I smell bacon. Let's see if he's wearing a wire! - -Hey! Whoa! No! Not the face! - -[ Gasping ] - -Lisa: It is the real Krusty. - -Look at that pacemaker scar, the cattle skull birthmark... and his famous superfluous nipple. - -At least you're not as bad as Customs. - -How could you, Krusty? I'd never lend my name to an inferior product. - -[ Loud Sobbing ] Oh! - -They drove a dump truck full Of money up to my house. - -I'm not made of stone! - -Krusty, this camp was a nightmare. - -They fed us gruel. They forced us to make wallets for export. - -And one of the campers was eaten by a bear. - -Oh, my God! [ Sobbing ] - -Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat. - -Was it a nice hat? - -Oh, yeah. - -Oh, my God! - -I'm gonna make it up to you. I'm gonna Show you kids the time of your life. - -Get ready for two weeks at the Happiest Place on Earth-- - -Tijuana! \ No newline at end of file