5 lines
54 KiB
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5 lines
54 KiB
Plaintext
Well, children, it's the last day of school. All Yea! Here are your grades. Oh, no, Mrs. Krabappel. If I don't get a "C" average, my dad won't let me go to Kamp Krusty. Well, it isn't fair to the other children, but all right. Much obliged, doll! Laughing Oh, Bart Simpson, I'm gonna miss you. Attention, everyone. This is Principal Skinner. I trust you all remembered to bring in your implements of destruction. Skinner: Now, let's trash this dump. Rock Somebody put a torch to these permanent records. Quickly, now. Vocalizing Continues Wake up, boy. Groans, Gasps I dreamt it was the last day of school. Well, it is. Oh, how do I know this isn't Some beautiful dream too? Ow! You know, a pinch is more traditional. Loud Gobbling, Belching Homer, you do remember your promise to the children? Sure do! When you're I 8, you're out the door! No, Dad, you promised if Bart and I got "C" averages, we could go to Kamp Krusty. And with no false modesty, you're lookin' at one happy camper. Nervous Chuckling Yeah. Remember, when you see my report card, they got this new grading system this year. It now goes, "D," "B," "A," "C." Listen, boy, we have an understanding, and you'd better keep your end of it. I don't think I'd be any kind of a father If you got D's, and I let you go to Kamp Krusty. But, Dad! if you want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. Man Seventeen, 32-- D'oh! five-- D'oh! eight-- Whoo-hoo! 47. D'oh! Skinner On P.A. Attention, students. Please clear out your lockers into the waste baskets provided. Thirty-six, 24, 36. Ha, ha, ha. Cracks Knuckles Now, let's see what we got here. Ah, my gym shorts. Here are your final report cards. I have nothing left to say to any of you. So if nobody minds, let's just quietly run out the clock. Gasps I've never gotten a "B" before. How could this have happened? I feel so dirty! Grunting The dirt's not coming off!. Panting Okay. Calm down. This must just be a little typo. Nervous Giggle Oh, Miss Hoover! There appears to be a mistake on my report card. You gave me a B-plus in conduct? Now, Lisa, everyone needs a blotch on their permanent record. Perhaps I'm not making myself clear. Hysterical Giggle I think you should reconsider. Lisa, you're hurting me! Mrs. Krabappel, in figuring out my final grades... I hope you'll note that all Of my textbooks are being returned... in excellent condition-- in some cases, still in their original wrappings. Duly noted. I'd also like to add, as I gaze upon your beauty... I've never seen an angel fly so low. Forget it, short pants. Mrs. Krabappel, if I don't get at least a "C" average... I can't go to Kamp Krusty! Have a "D"-lightful summer! Laughing Five! Four! Three! Two! Don't open your mouth. One! Bell Ringing Cheering Wait a minute! You didn't learn how World w*r I ended. We won! Yea! U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A! I haven't seen such unfettered hurly-burly since the fall of Saigon. Well, William, another school year gone by. And may I say, a job well done, sir? Well, back to work then. Make sure to give those toilets a good scrubbing. We want the old girls sparkling when I get back. Aye, sir. Eh, you silk-wearing buttercup! All right! Three whole months Of Spaghetti Os and daytime TV! So, Bart, will you be joining me in the bucolic splendor of Kamp Krusty? You bet. Check out this hand. All aces. Laughing A-plus! Oh, Bart, why didn't you at least forge plausible grades? Sighing Oh! Hi, kids! Only one week left to sign up for the bestest summer ever at Kamp Krusty! Grunts, Laughing Whoa! Laughing, Grunting Hey! Kamp Krusty is built on an actual lndian burial ground. We've got archery, wallet-making-- the whole megillah. Chortling And for you fat kids... my exclusive program of diet and ridicule... will really get results. And the best part is, when you come to Kamp Krusty... you'll spend the summer with me! Honest lnjun! Chortling Well, here goes nothin'. Clattering D'oh! Stupid roller skate. Well, Dad, here's my report card. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. A-plus? You don't think much of me, do you, boy? No, sir. You know, a "D" turns into a "B" so easily. You just got greedy. So I won't get to go to camp? Now, Bart, we made this deal because I thought it would help you get good grades. And you didn't. But why should you pay for my mistake? You mean I can go? Yeah. I didn't want you hanging around all summer anyway. Oh, Dad, you're the best father a boy could ever have! Thanks, son. Now, you've got little hands. Can you reach under that mower and pull out that skate? Engine Starts Phew. Never mind. Humming Bart, where's your bathing suit? I'm gonna swim "nekkid." You're what? Ah, sure, there'll be a couple Of up-tight counselors... who won't dig the Bart philosophy... but I feel the human body is a thing of beauty. Marge, am I crazy or is my back getting hairier? Before I go to camp, I'll need boosters for malaria... German measles, encephalitis, Hansen's disease-- Oh, now, I'm afraid what we have here is an advanced case of hypochondria. There's only one known cure-- a "wowwipop." Chuckling Don't patronize me, Doctor. It's our last family dinner for six weeks... but I promised myself I wouldn't cry. Loud Gulping, Snorting Sobbing Oh, I'm going to miss this! Sniffles Hey, hands off my pickle! I don't see your name on it, boy. No, but-- Oh, yeah? Check... mate! Always thinking two moves ahead. We'll see you when you get back from lmage Enhancement Camp. Spare me your euphemisms. It's fat camp for Daddy's chubby little secret! You promised you wouldn't make a scene. Mmm! Kissing Good-bye, my special little guy! Mmm! Mmm! Lisa, watch out for poison ivy. Remember: leaves of three, let it be. Leaves of four, eat some more. Laughing Good-bye. Good-bye, sweetie. Good-bye, Mom. Bye, Dad! I'll write you every day! Don't look in my closet. In fact, stay out Of my room altogether. Lisa: If the pets die, don't replace them. I'll know! All Cheering Woman: So long! Don't come back! Hi, kids! Welcome to Kamp Krusty! Chortling I'll see you in a few weeks. Until then, I've turned things over... to my bestest buddy in the whole wide world-- Dubbed Voice Mr. Black. I want you to treat-- Dubbed Voice Mr. Black. with the same respect you would give me. Now here's-- Dubbed Voice Mr. Black. Thank you, Krusty, and welcome, children. I am Mr. Black, your head counselor. For the past I 5 years, I was president of Euro-Krustyland... until it blew up. I'll take any questions you might have. You, and then one more. Can we call you Uncle Blackie? No. Last question. When do we get to see Krusty? Uh, he will be along eventually. In the meantime, our counselors Dolph, Jimbo and Kearney... will be happy to handle any problems you may have. Coughs Looks like we got ourselves a troublemaker. Grunting Giggling You can have the shower to yourself, Homie. I'm finished. Oh, no, you're not. Ohh! Chuckling Here's your cabin. If you don't like it, T.S. Squawking Gasping Rattling This is a little more rustic than I expected. I'm not worried, Lise. You know why? Because of this. The Krusty Brand Seal of Approval. You can only find it on products which meet the high personal standards... of Krusty the Clown. Ow! Oops. I should've warned you. That clock gets incredibly hot If you leave it plugged in. That's okay. Uh, all this stuff is fine. Chortling Now I am off to Wimbledon! Don't we get to roast marshmallows? Shut up and eat your pinecone. Uh, are you sure that's safe? Well, it ain't gettin' any safer. All Gasping Footsteps All right, you b*lls of pan drippings! I want to see Crisco coming out of those pores! We're not leaving until this Christmas ham gives me a pull-up. Acoustic Guitar Singing Louder! Faster! Continues Grunts Wood Creaking All Groaning You're serving us gruel? Not quite. This is Krusty Brand lmitation Gruel. Nine out of I 0 orphans can't tell the difference. Yo, Mr. Black. Another brandy. Gentlemen, to evil. Marge, since the kids left, I've lost five pounds! Oh, that's wonderful! And look-- new hair! I'm this close to having a comb-over. Purring Giggling Laughing Oh! Shuddering Lights out, losers! Yeah, we're meetin' some tail on the other side of the lake. Chuckling Locks Sliding Shut I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart. We're all gonna die, Lise. I meant soon. So did I. Mmm. Strawberries. Mmm. Slurping Ah, that's good. Hey, Lendl! Choke! Choke! Yeah! Man Point and game, Becker. And will the harlequin in the third row Please keep his voice down? Chortles Sorry, folks. Grunts Sorry, Your Majesty. Hmph! Thinking Dear kids, I hope this letter finds you well. We're doing great. Your father is in the best shape he's been since-- well, ever! Grunts Strength! Agility! Marge's Voice We miss you terribly. I hope these jelly bean cookies will tide you over until you get home. Hey, Simpson! Tell your mom her cookies sucked. Sighs Thinking Dear Mom and Dad, I no longer fear hell... because I've been to Kamp Krusty. Our nature hikes have become grim death marches. Groans A snake bit me. Back in line, maggot! Lisa: Our arts and crafts center is, in actuality, a Dickensian workhouse. Come on, wimps! These Gucci wallets have to be on the streets of Hong Kong by Friday. Lisa: Bart makes it through the days relying on his unwavering belief... that Krusty the Clown will come through. Krusty is coming. Krusty is coming. Krusty's coming. But I am far more pessimistic. I am not sure lf this letter will reach you as our lines of communication have been cut. Giddyap! Now the effort of writing Has made me lightheaded... so I close by saying, "Save us! Save us now!'" Bart and Lisa. Chuckling Ah, kids' letters from camp. Oh, she complains now, but when we go to pick her up, she won't want to leave. Wind Howling Thunderclaps Lisa, I've been thinking it over. Next summer, I'm getting a job. Moaning Oh, Homer. It's getting late. We'll miss the fireworks. Marge, we've got all the fireworks we need right here. Well, kids, I promised you a little treat in lieu of dinner... and here it is-- the man who took an abandoned mule tannery and turned it into a summer wonderland... Mr. Krusty the Clown. See? I told you Krusty would come. just like I said. He's gonna bring us food and water, and smite our enemies! Flies Buzzing Now, I must tell you kids, Krusty has laryngitis and a bad back... so he won't be saying anything or doing anything. Krusty looks fat. He's really having trouble keeping his balance. He's still funny, but not ha-ha funny. That's not Krusty the Clown! Kids Gasping What do you think? I slapped a clown suit on some wino? Nervous Laughing I mean, I-- Yeah, Bart. I am so Krunchy the Clown! Belches All right. That's it. I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from those Krusty Brand vitamins. My Krusty calculator didn't have a seven or an eight! And Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions. But this time, he's gone too far! We want Krusty! We want Krusty! We want Krusty! Yeah, we want Krunchy! We want Krunchy! I thought you said you broke their spirits. We did. You broke nothing. Bart Let's get 'em! To the hydrofoil! All Clamoring My chunky brothers, gorge yourselves at the trough of freedom! Cheering Slurping Ahh! Sweet, nourishing gruel! Kowalski! My brownies! Wiggum! A change of underwear! Crandall! My insulin! Squeaking Bart! You said you were gonna name it Camp Freedom! Aah, this has more zing. I dub thee Sir-- Urgent call for Mr. Clown. This better be important. Oy, gevalt! just let your head flop back and forth. Your neck is a well-cooked piece of asparagus. Man On TV We interrupt Sadrudin Mabaradad's Yoga Party for this special bulletin-- "Krisis at Kamp Krusty." Gasps Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan and lraq... and I can say without hyperbole... that this is a million times worse than all of them put together. Chanting Burn, Krusty, burn! Burn, Krusty, burn! A group of school-aged Spartacuses has taken this camp by force. Three counselors are missing and presumed scared. What's that? I'm being told I can have an exclusive interview with the ringleader. Thinking Don't be the boy. Don't be the boy. D'oh! I just want the whole world to know that this was a really crappy camp. Can I say "crappy" on TV? Yes, on this network, you can. Is it true you attempted suicide when you heard the news? Are you and Princess Di just friends? You people make me sick! You're vultures! Where were you when I sang at Farm Aid? Out of my way, you parasites! I said, out of my way! I'm no fake. I'm the real Krusty. Oh, yeah? Who played your daughter in the short-lived sitcom President Clown? I don't know her name, but she held up a liquor store last year. I smell bacon. Let's see if he's wearing a wire! Hey! Whoa! No! Not the face! Gasping Lisa: It is the real Krusty. Look at that pacemaker scar, the cattle skull birthmark... and his famous superfluous nipple. At least you're not as bad as Customs. How could you, Krusty? I'd never lend my name to an inferior product. Loud Sobbing Oh! They drove a dump truck full Of money up to my house. I'm not made of stone! Krusty, this camp was a nightmare. They fed us gruel. They forced us to make wallets for export. And one of the campers was eaten by a bear. Oh, my God! Sobbing Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat. Was it a nice hat? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God! I'm gonna make it up to you. I'm gonna Show you kids the time of your life. Get ready for two weeks at the Happiest Place on Earth-- Tijuana! Cheering Man Singing: Lounge Ballad Ends Mariachi Band Men Olé!
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Live from beautiful Laughlin, Nevada... it's the Miss American Girl Pageant. Brought to you by: Smell like Streep For cheap! I'm your host, Troy McClure. And now, here come the ladies! Applause Singing Troy Like Miss South Dakota. Miss North Carolina. Miss lndiana. Miss Alaska. Kids, I won't be home tonight, so I'm leaving you some low-cal microwavable TV dinners. Uh-- Okay. I'm auditioning for a play. It's a musical version Of A Street car Named Desire. Isn't that exciting? Troy If you ask me, they're all winners! We'll be cutting our first 40 contestants right after this. Let's take a minute to meet our distinguished panel of judges. Skin-care consultant, Roweena. Syndicated columnist, William F. George. Token black panelist, Drederick Tatum. And Mr. Boswell, the man behind those infamous worst-dressed lists. Mr. Boswell, can you give us a sneak peek at this year's list? Memo to Goldie Hawn: cheerleading tryouts were 30 years ago. Let's grow up, shall we? All Laughing He's such a b*tch. I haven't been in a play since high school... and I thought it would be a good chance to meet some other adults. Sounds interesting. You know, I spend all day alone with Maggie... and sometimes it's like I don't even exist. Sounds interesting. Groans It's time to name our five finalists... starting with... Miss Montana. Applause A beaut from Butte. Miss South Carolina. Nothin' could be finer. Miss Delaware. She, uh-- Good for her. Singing Scales Marge, keep it down in there! Homer, my audition is in half-- Hey, look, it's last year's winner, Debra Jo Smallwood! Tonight, my reign as Miss American Girl comes to an end. And I'd like to apologize one last time... for my unfortunate remarks at the United Nations. Classical Maggie, cut that racket! And where exactly Are you going? I'm auditioning for a play. Well, this is the first I've heard about it. I told you several times. It's a musical version Of A Streetcar Na-- Excuse me, Marge! I think that if you told me, I would remember. I mean, I'm not an idiot! Hm. Well, I-I thought I told you. Kids, back me up. He's right, Mom. Sorry. Match point-- Homer. I'm sorry, honey. It's okay. We're none of us perfect. Piano Singers Warming Up Vocalizing Well, howdy-do, neighbor. Hi, Ned. I didn't know you were an actor. Oh, indeedily-doodily. Uh, I've even been in Streetcar once before. I played Blanche DuBois. Mm-hmm. Just part of the fun Of going to an all-male school. Hello! I am Llewellyn Sinclair. I have directed three plays in my career... and I have had three heart att*cks. That's how much I care. I'm planning for a fourth. Maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class. Oh, forget about it. That Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic. Quiet! Sorry. I am not an easy man to work for. While directing Hats Off to Hanukkah... I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth graders? The review, "Play Enjoyed By All, '" speaks for itself. Hm. Those auditioning for the role of Stanley... take off your shirts. Take off your shirts! Repeating in French Schnell! Schnell! Schnell! Uh-uh. Nope. Try joining a gym. Oh, ye gods! Hey, man, if you like that, you should see my butt. You. You're my Stanley. Hot diggity! How 'bout that, Marge? Little ol' Stanley me. Chuckles Weakly "Stella. Stella!" Laughs Singing Next! Singing Next! Singing Next! Singing Thank you for nothing. You're all terrible! What you ladies don't understand is that Blanche... is a delicate flower being trampled by an uncouth lout-- Sighs Forget it! just strike the sets. Clear the stage. This production is-- Homie, I didn't get the part. You were right. Outside interests are stupid. Wait a minute. Groans I'll come home right away. All right. I'll pick up a bucket Of fried chicken, extra skin... rolls, chocolate cream parfait-- Gasps Stop bothering my Blanche! Oh! I play an aging Southern beauty who's driven to insanity... by her brutish brother-in-law, Stanley. Wow! My mother the actress. I feel like Lucie Arnaz Luckinbill. Are there any jive-talking robots in this play? I don't think so. Bart, don't ask stupid questions. Is there any frontal nudity? No, Homer. My name is Helen Lovejoy, and I'll be playing Stella. I am Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. I play Steve. My name is "Ot-to!" I'm playing "Pab-lo!" Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. I'm filing a class-action suit against the director... on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch. I'm Marge Simpson. I'll be playing Blanche. I made some peanut butter brownies for everyone. Well, would anyone else like a bite of banality? I would. Stanley-- Yeah? You're pulsing with animal lust! You take Blanche and you fling her roughly to the bed. Roger-dodger. Grr. Aww, isn't that cute! And me without a camera. Here. My sister runs a day care center. Hmm. I guess a few weeks wouldn't hurt her. Maggie is allergic To strained pears... and she likes a bottle of warm milk before nap time. A bottle? Laughs Mrs. Simpson, do you know what a baby's saying when she reaches for a bottle? "Ba-ba?" She's saying, "I am a leech." Our aim here is to develop the bottle within. That sounds awfully harsh. Mrs. Simpson, I don't like to toot my own horn... but we're the only day care center in town... that's not currently under investigation by the state. Oh. Well, be a good girl, Maggie. I'm sorry, Maggie. We don't allow these here. You're a dame and I'm a fella Stanley, stop or I'll tell Stella Passion, Mrs. Simpson. Anger. This man disgusts you! All I want is one embrace I'll twist this bottle in your face Mm. Mm. Mm! Chuckles Here, Marge, let me. Hate to be an armchair Blanche... but I always gave it one of these-- There. There's the ol' face-shredder. Oh. Mrs. Simpson, if you set out to push the bile to the tip of my throat... mission accomplished! I'm, uh-- I'm gonna crawl into bed with a bottle of amaretto. Good day. Homer Easy, easy. Yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes-- D'oh! Electronic Voice 7-1 0 split. Homer, can you run some lines with me? Make Bart do it. It'll just take a sec. Gutter ball! D'oh! You see, Marge, while you're Off in your own little world... you forgot that other people have problems too. Sighs Action Movie Theme Objects Crashing Don't like to nap, eh? We have a place for babies like you-- the box! All right, let "ham-ateur" night in Dixie commence. I'm sorry, Llewellyn, I just-- I just don't see why Blanche should shove a broken bottle in Stanley's face. Couldn't she just take his abuse with gentle good humor? Marge, your ride's here. Homer, it'll just be a few minutes more! You're a dame and I'm a fella Stanley, stop or I'll tell Stella Marge. Marge! I'm asking For white-hot rage... and you're giving me a hissy fit. Marge, can I get some change for the candy machine? Oh, here! Clattering Hey, there's some quarters in here. I just don't see what's so bad about Stanley. Grunting Stanley is thoughtless, violent and loud. Marge, every second you spend with this man... he is crushing your fragile spirit. You can't let that happen. Yelling Whoo-hoo! Come to papa. Marge, I'll be out in the car. All I want is one embrace Car Horn Honking Marge, move it or lose it. I'll twist this bottle in your face Aaah! Hallelujah! I've done it again! Ned, you're supposed to overpower her. I'm trying. I'm trying. Straining Salt me. Southern Accent Here you are, Homer. What the-- Why are you talking like that? The play's tomorrow night. With Accent I've got to stay in character. With Accent Would it help if I talked like this too? It might. Cockney Accent An' I'll talk like 'is. Bob's yer uncle, mate. That really doesn't help, Bart. Big Daddy, would y'all mind passin' a lil' ol' biscuit? Can I slog off school tomorrow? Got a pain in me gulliver. I'm livin' in a cuckoo clock! Oh, see you later, kids. I've got to go rehearse with Ned. But, Marge, what about dessert? For God's sakes, you can pull the lid off your own can of pudding! Fine. I will! Screeches Oh, no. My pudding is trapped forever! So I can open my own can Of pudding, can I? Shows what you know, Marge. Marge! Hey, Marge! Keep yelling, you big ape. Aren't you being a little hard on old Homie? Oh, forget about him. Let's rehearse the bottle scene. Oh! Let's not and say we did. Hmm? Muttering Lines So, what time does this play start? Why? Are you going? Well, I gotta go, don't I? I'm sure you won't enjoy it. There's nothing about bowling in the play. Oh, wait, there is. Probably not much of it. Why can't you be a little more supportive? 'Cause I don't care, okay? I can't fake an interest in this... and I'm an expert at faking an interest in your kooky projects. What "kooky projects"? You know, the painting class... the first aid course, the whole Lamaze thing. Why didn't you tell me you felt this way? You know I would never do anything to hurt your feelings. Good night. Snores Groans Playing nicely, little humans? Good, good. Hello, Maggie. Poor little "dummard." Action Movie Theme Hey, kids! I'm flame-retardant. Laughs Footsteps Approaching Gasps If I break, buy a new one. Laughs Shatters Gasps Squealing Maggie, time to go to the-- Screeches Loud Sucking Shudders Babies. Perhaps we are all A little mad... we who don the cap and bells and tread beneath the proscenium arch. But tonight, you will all be transformed from dead-eyed suburbanites... into white-hot grease fires of pure entertainment! Except you. You're not working out. I'll be playing your part. Drag. Murmuring Piano: Intro Long before the Superdome Where the Saints of football play Lived a city that the damned call home Hear their hellish Rondelet Creaking Orchestra New Orleans Home of pirates drunks and whores New Orleans Tacky, overpriced souvenir stores If you wanna go to hell you should take that trip To the Sodom and Gomorrah on the "Mississip" New Orleans Stinking, rotten "vomity" vile New Orleans Putrid, brackish maggoty, foul New Orleans Crummy, lousy rancid and rank New Orleans Woman: What's the matter, honey? Are you lost? Marge: I'm lookin' for my sister, Stella. Lisa: It's Mom! Huh? My name is Blanche DuBois. Jazz I thought my life would be a Mardi Gras A never-ending party Ha! I'm a faded Southern dame Without a dime I'm collecting for the Evening Star. Come here. I want to kiss you... just once, softly and sweetly on your mouth. Orchestra I am just a simple paperboy No romance do I seek I just wanted 40 cents For my deliveries last week Will this bewitching floozy Seduce this humble newsie Oh, what's a paperboy to Do Ends Whoo-hoo! Orchestra Stella! Stella! Can't you hear me yell-a You're puttin' me through hell-a Stella Stella! Oh! Oh! Cool. She can fly. I think it's supposed to symbolize her descent into madness. Oh! Oh! Oh! Fades Whoever you are, I have always depended... on the kindness of strangers. Orchestra You can always depend on the kindness of strangers To buck up your spirits and shield you from dangers Now here's a tip from Blanche you won't regret A stranger's just a friend you haven't met You haven't met Streetcar! Ends Yea! Ah! Chuckles Together Yea! You people out there, you're the stars. Cool! Hey, look at me. I'm Blanche DuBois. Mom! Grunts Way to go, Mom! Everybody was cheering for you! Almost everybody. Kids, wait in the car. I want to talk to your mother about this play thing. With Accent Lookin' for a spot off un with the missus, hey, guv'nor? Shut up, boy. Marge, you were terrific. Oh, come on, Homer. By the end, you were so bored... you could barely keep your selfish head up. I wasn't bored. I was sad. It really got to me how that lady, uh, um-- You know which one I mean. You played her. Blanche. Yeah. How Blanche was sad. And how that guy Stanley should have been nice to her. Yeah? Go on. I mean, it made me feel bad. The poor thing ends up being hauled to the nuthouse... when all she needed was for that big slob to show her some respect. Well, at least that's what I thought. I have a history of missing the point of stuff like this. No, Homer, you got it just right. Hey, you know, I'm a lot like that guy. Really? Yeah, like when I pick my teeth with the mail and stuff. Well, maybe just a little. People Chattering Shh!
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Let go! Let go! I'm all naked and wet! Get up, Homer. It's time for church. I don't wanna go. It's church. You have to go. Too cold out. I'm tired of having this argument every Sunday. Get dressed. Oh, stupid, itchy church pants. Grunting One size fits all, my butt! Come on. We're going to be late. Pants Tearing Forget it. I'm not going. Growls Hey, where's Homer? Your father's... resting. "Resting" hungover, "resting" got fired? Help me out here. Ahhh, I'm just a big, toasty cinnamon bun. I never wanna leave this bed. Uh-oh. Gotta take a whiz. Think, man. Think. Think, think, think. I better get up. I'm whizzin' with the door open, and I love it. Singing Blubbering Man: It's I 1 K-BBL degrees below zero. I hope you're someplace warm. You bet your sweet... a*s! I'm afraid our furnace isn't working. Man: Yeah, what's the story? But let's just put it out of our minds... and turn to the lamentations of Jeremiah... long version. "Joy is gone from our hearts... our dancing has turned to mourning. '" Rock And Roll Girls Singing Singing The perfect chance to make my patented, space-age... out-of-this-world moon waffles. Let's see here. Caramels. Waffle batter. Liquid smoke. Oooh, waffle runoff. Mmm, fattening. And he was cast into the fiery cauldron of hell! The searing heat... the scalding rivers of molten sulfur! Ahhh, I'm there. Uh-oh. Whistling Here, boy. Okay, okay, okay, okay. The service has ended. Go in peace. Pipe Organ Grunting The door's frozen shut, and it's the only way out! Chattering Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be-- Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place. Man On Radio That was Johnny Calhoun with... "Gonna Find Mea Genie With a Magic Bikini. '" Man 2 Johnny's next record was a spoken word album of his right-wing political views. It k*lled his career. If you can tell me the name Of that album, call our contest line now. Gasps I know that! Line Ringing Hello. This is Homer Simpson. Man Homer, can you name that title? "This Things I Believe." Man 2 Uh, can we accept that? Cash Register Ringing Whoo-hoo! How's that door coming, Willy? Miracles are your department, Reverend. Uh, while we're waiting, Why don't I read from the Sunday bulletin? Card table for sale. Top badly damaged. Leg missing. Otherwise fine. One dollar or best offer. Woman On TV You must be the three chiropractors I sent for. Now, start manipulating my spine. Curly: Hey, Moe, we don't know nothin' about manipulatin. Moe: You heard the lady. Grab her spine and get crackin. Punch Landing Chuckling Moe is their leader. Curly Whooping Moe: Why, you! Punch Landing Curly: Hey! Grunting Huzzah! Plea-Please, Christians, don't push. Excuse me. Pardon me. Whoop. Coming through. Howya doing? Love that hat, baby. Come on, TV. Give me some of that sweet, sweet pap. Well, let's define our terms, gentlemen. Are we talking about redistricting or are we talking about reapportionment? Oh, well, can't win 'em all. Man We interrupt this public affairs program to bring you a football game. Yes! Whistle Blowing Engine Not Turning Over Marge lmitating Engine Imitating Engine Give it a little more gas. Pedal Banging No, no, that's too much. You know what I think would help? What? What would help? Nothing. Oh, doctor. A 98-yard triple reverse... ties the score at 63-63. We have seen nothing but razzle-dazzle here today... three visits from Morganna the Kissing Bandit... and the astonishing return of Jim Brown. Whoo-hoo! Is that what I think it is? Mm-hmm. I found... a penny! Could this be the best day of my life? Laughing Looks like we have a new champion. Ah, my beloved family. How was church? Muttering Snorting I, on the other hand, have been having the best day of my life... and I owe it all to skipping church. That's a terrible thing to say! Kids, your father doesn't really mean that. Like fun I don't. Marge, I'm never going to church again! Homer, are you actually giving up your faith? No. No, no, no, no, no, no. Well, yes. I can't believe you're giving up church, Homer. Hey, what's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday? I mean, isn't God everywhere? Amen, brother. And don't you think that the Almighty has better things to worry about... than where one little guy spends one measly hour of his week? Tell it, Daddy. And what if we pick the wrong religion? Every week we're just making God madder and madder. Testify! Groaning Lord, my husband is by no means perfect... but he's a kind, decent man. Please show him the error of his ways. Marge, come to bed. No, Homer. He doesn't mean to be sacrilegious, Lord. He just likes to sleep in on Sundays. Marge. Come to bed, Marge. Whispering Lord, please. He's not a bad person, Lord, really. It's good for what ails ya. He doesn't mean any harm. I can wait all-- Snoring Rumbling Gasps Static Humming Gulps God? Thou has forsaken my church! Well, kind of, but-- But what? I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell? Hmm, you've got a point there. You know, sometimes... even I'd rather be watching football. Does St. Louis still have a team? No, they moved to Phoenix. Oh, yeah. You know what I really hate about church? Those boring sermons. Oh, I couldn't agree more. That Reverend Lovejoy really displeases me. I think I'll give him a canker sore. Give him one for me. I will. So I figure I should just try to live right-- Purring and worship you in my own way. Homer, it's a deal. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to appear on a tortilla in Mexico. Dad, can I ask you a question? Sure, honey. Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy? Don't worry, sweetheart. If I'm wrong, I'll recant on my deathbed. Hello, my animal friends. Peace be with you. Guys, please, could you give me five minutes? Reverend Lovejoy, I had a bit Of an ulterior motive in inviting you to dinner. Shouts What? No, it's nothing bad. I'm just concerned because my husband hasn't been attending your services lately. Well, I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing... but then God himself told me I should seek a new path. Oh, really? Yeah. He appeared before me in a dream... and I knew that was special because I usually dream about naked... Marge. Groans So, Homer, you saw the big cheese? What'd he look like? Perfect teeth, nice smell, a class act all the way. Homer, you're crazy! Tell him this is all crazy. Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26. The foolish man who built his house on sand. And you remember... Matthew 21 :1 7. "And he left them and went out of the city into Bethany and he lodged there"? Yeah. Think about it. Hello, work? This is Homer Simpson. I won't be coming in tomorrow. Religious holiday. The, uh, Feast of Maximum Occupancy. Pretty slick. You should join my religion, Moe. It's great. No hell, no kneeling-- Sorry, Homer. I was born a snake handler, and I'll die a snake handler. Doorbell Rings Neighbor, I heard about your heresy... and we've made it our mission to win you back to the flock. No sale. Homer, Christian life isn't all praying and sacrifice. Hey, dig this. Singing Religious Song Snoring Phone Ringing Flanders Family Singing Singing Leave me alone. Dad, the heathen's getting away. I see him, son. Crossing Bells Dinging Horn Blaring Screams Chuckles Where we going? Garbage lsland. Horn Blaring Huh? Screaming Cheering Let's go, kids. How come we have to go to church and Dad gets to stay home and watch cartoons? Groans I have a responsibility to raise these children right. And unless you change, I'll have to tell them their father is... well, wicked. Kids, let me tell you about another so-called "wicked" guy. He had long hair and some wild ideas... and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was-- I forget. But the point is-- I forget that too. Marge, you know who I'm talking about. He used to drive that blue car. Kids, could you wait outside for us? Homer, please don't make me choose between my man and my god... because you just can't win. There you go again. Always taking someone else's side-- Flanders, the water department, God. I'm only going to ask you one last time. Are you sure you won't come with us to church? Man On TV Coming up next: make your own ladder. Very sure. My friends, the devil walks among us! Chattering I got him! No, don't look for the pitchfork and pointy tail. Today's devil has assumed a more seductive form... pleasing to the eye. Oooh, a interview with Lorne Michaels. Oooh. Wait. That's no good. Hey, now we're talking. "Our unabashed dictionary defines I.U.D. as... "love springs internal."' I don't get it. Doorbell Chimes Hello. I'm collecting for the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns. Last year, tornadoes claimed the lives of75Jewish clowns. The worst incident was during our convention in Lubbock, Texas. There were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere. It was terrible. Sobbing Wait a minute. Is this a religious thing? A religious clown thing, yes. Sorry. Well, bless you any-- Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy! Apu, I see you're not in church. Oh, but I am. I have a shrine to Ganesha... the god of worldly wisdom located in the employee lounge. Hey, Ganesha, want a peanut? Please do not offer my god a peanut. No offense, Apu, but when they were handing out religions... you must've been out taking a whiz. Mr. Simpson, please pay for your purchases and get out and come again. Pride goeth before destruction! Boy, everyone is stupid except me. Snoring Marge, turn down the heat. That's better. Snoring Sniffing, Whines Growling Screams Fire! What do I do? What do I do? Coughing Oh, the song, the song. Singing D'oh! Coughing Apu Gasps Fire at the old Simpson place! You're on your honor not to steal anything. Oh, we won't. Little Jamshed, the store is in your hands. How I have waited for this day. Cocks Shotgun Siren Wailing Quacking You ducks are really trying my patience! But you're so cute. Homer. Homer! No! Homer Moans Dear Lord, may your loving hand guide Homer to the mattress, square and true. Okay. Siren Wailing Coughing Flanders, you saved me. Why? Heck, you'd have done the same for me. Help! Help! Laughing That's right, old friend. Bart, Lisa Dad! Oh, Homie, are you all right? Our magazines and roach traps, gone. All gone. Cat Screeching I saved your cat. Ow! That hurt. Hey, what are these axes for? I don't know. Chopping stuff. Gotcha. Uh, that's some nice chopping. Truly, this was an act of God. Hey, wait a minute. Flanders is a regular Charlie Church... and God didn't save his house. D'oh! Any valuables in the house? Well, the Picasso, my collection of classic cars-- Sorry. This policy only covers actual losses, not made-up stuff. Well, that's just great. Fire, man's oldest foe. Insatiable, remorseless, unquenchable. Hey, it's out. Cheering Coming up next, which work better-- springy clothespins or the other kind? You know, I have a feeling there's a lesson here. Yes, the lesson is-- No, don't tell me. I'll get it. Oh, I know. The Lord is vengeful. O Spiteful One, show me who to smite, and they shall be "smoten." Homer, God didn't Set your house on fire. No, but he was working in the hearts Of your friends and neighbors... when they went to your aid... be they Christian, Jew or... miscellaneous. Hindu. There are 700 million of us. Aw, that's super. I was rude to every one of you. And you saved my life when you could have just left me to fry... like the proverbial pancake that I am. Oh, Homey, I'm so glad to hear you say that. Now, would you give church another try? I'll be there next Sunday, front row, center. Snoring Loudly Harp Don't feel bad, Homer. Nine out often religions fail in their first year. That's game, Hendrix! God, I gotta ask you something. What's the meaning of life? Homer, I can't tell you that. Come on. You'll find out when you die. I can't wait that long. You can't wait six months? No, tell me now. Well, okay. Well, okay. The meaning of life is--
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Principal Skinner, "The Happiest Place on Earth'... is a registered Disneyland copyright. Well, gentlemen, it's just a small school carnival. And it's heading for a great big lawsuit. You made a big mistake, Skinner. Well, so did you. You got an ex-Green Beret mad. Groaning, Gagging Gasps Groans Copyright expired. And... begin! This sucks. Aah! Ha-ha! Pick the red, get ahead. Pick the black, set you back. Hmm. I don't recall authorizing this booth. Good-bye, gentlemen. All Gasp Coughing Get your haggis right here! Chopped heart and lungs... boiled in a wee sheep's stomach! Tastes as good as it sounds! Good for what ails ya! Mutters, Groans I'd say... 53 years old and 420 pounds. Ha-ha, you lose! 36 and 239. Hmm. Rock Over P.A. Hey, Otto-man, I dare you to make this go faster. Ooh! Challenge accepted! Continues I'll be in Mexico till this thing blows over. Spectators Gasping Yelling, Shouting Oh, boy! A "spookhouse"! Hand over all your money. Milhouse Grunts Was it scary? Uh-huh. Ooh, baby. Uh-oh. So, girlie, you like roller-skating? No. Yeah, everybody loves roller-skating. Okay, you can turn around now. Gasps Spectators Laughing Oh, my God! I'm ugly! Now, in a moment, we'll be raffling of four grand prize-- a ride on the famous Duff Beer blimp! A ride on the Duff blimp. You see the circular pattern on those fields? That's from central-pivot irrigation. Wow. Now let's see what's happening at the Super Bowl. Crowd Cheering Crowd Chanting Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer! Chanting Stops Man: Oops. Sorry. Chanting Continues Homer! Homer! Homer! Softly Homer! Homer! Homer! But first, our second-prize winner... and the recipient of this handsome shoe buffer-- Ned Flanders! Gasps Ah! Man: Go, Ned! Oh, it's no fair. We'll never have a buffer. We have one at home. You never use it. Well, I want that one. And the winner of the blimp ride is... Homer Simpson! Oh, my God! Whimpers Singing Sobbing Honey, what's wrong? Dad, do you think I'm ugly? What are you talking about? Chuckling Oh, Lisa, this isn't real. It's just how you might look If you were a cartoon character. I'm an ugmo. Now, that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear. Fathers have to say that stuff. Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear? No! You're homely as a mule's butt! There. See? I'd like to be alone, please. Sobbing Moe, have you ever felt unattractive? Mmm, no. How about you, Barney? Not for a second. Belches Yeah. I need help. Together Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! I guess every father thinks his daughter is the cutest. Well, now there's a way to prove it. Wow, President of Laramie Cigarettes, jack Larson! This year, Laramie is sponsoring... the Little Miss Springfield Pageant. You see, government regulations prohibit us from advertising on TV. Inhales, Exhales Ahh. That sweet Carolina smoke. But they can't prohibit us from holding a beauty pageant... for little girls age seven to nine. Lisa's age seven to nine! Your daughter could be crowned Little Miss Springfield by our host... the maitre d' of glee, Krusty the Clown! I heartily endorse this event or product. What a feeling! I'm as happy as a smoker... taking that first puff in the morning. That could be Lisa! The Little Miss Springfield Pageant. Only $250 to enter. Oh! Hey, Barney, will you give me 250 bucks for this blimp ticket? Sure! Gasps Where'd you get all the money? From some scientist. Since they stopped testing on animals... a guy like me can really clean up. Gulping I'm hideous. Lisa, I know a song that will cheer you up. Singing So you think I'm ugly? No! No, I meant you were one Of the good-looking ducks... that makes fun of the ugly one. Lisa, if you could have one wish, what would it be? To shut myself off from the world and never be seen by human eyes again. Was your second wish to be entered in the Little Miss Springfield Pageant? What are you talking about? I sent in an application for you. I couldn't find a big enough photo, so I sent in... that funny drawing of you on roller skates. How could you? I won't do it! Sobbing Homer, Lisa's already sensitive about her looks. This is the last thing she needs. But I think she'll win. Dad, have you seen the girls they have in those contests? Hubba, hubba! Panting Howling Hey, nobody's prettier than my little girl. You're looking at her through a father's eyes. Well, if I could gouge out somebody else's eyes... and shove them into my sockets, I would. But to me, she's beautiful. That is so sweet. Honey, no one's going to force you to do anything. But do you know how your father got the money to enter you in this pageant? Nope. He sold his ride on the Duff blimp. But that ride meant everything to him! Singing Sadly I'll do it. Did you see Tina Epstein? Whoa! If you're gonna binge, you'd better purge. Uh-oh. Amber Dempsey. In the same week... she was Pork Princess and Little Miss Kosher. She's beautiful. Wait. She's about to bring out the big g*ns. Eyelash implants. I thought those were illegal. Not in Paraguay. There's no way I can beat this girl. She's the Jack Nicklaus Of the pageant circuit. Oh, I don't know that she's as attractive as Jack Nicklaus. Humming I meant because they both win all the time, Mom. Oh. Well, yes. That's what I meant too. Well, tell you what. This afternoon... I'll take you to the beauty parlor and show you just how lovely you can be. And later, I'll teach you the tricks of the trade-- taping your swimsuit to your butt... petroleum jelly on your teeth for that frictionless smile... and the ancient art of padding. Purring Are we done? We are just warming up. Oh, isn't this dangerous? Don't worry. I am well protected. Boy, when Lisa comes in, I want you to make a big fuss over how she looks. She'll see through me like Grandma's underpants. No, she won't. When it comes to compliments... women are ravenous, bloodsucking monsters... always wanting more, more, more! And if you give it to 'em, you'll get plenty back in return. Like what? I'll tell you when you're older. Chuckling Door Slams Shut Gasps Is that Lisa? Ooh, I gotta call heaven. There's an angel missing. And who's your little school friend? Wait a minute. That's Mom! Oh, my goodness! How gallant! Isn't that nice? Thank you. I know two fellas who are gonna get a special dinner tonight. Hey, hey! Whoo-hoo! Dad, you know anything else about women? Nope, that's it. Hey, brush-head, you've been nursing that thing for an hour. You know, I was just wondering how someone who works at an ice cream store... keeps such a trim figure. I've misjudged you. Piano Piano I said step, pause, turn, pause, pivot, step, step... not step, pause, turn, pause, pivot, step, pause! Ooh! Shudder! And the winner is... Lisa Simpson! Gasps Okay, wipe away a tear. Hug the loser. And now, for your triumphant walk down the runway. Whoa! Ooh! Aah! It's hopeless! There's nothin' to it. Give me those heels. Heel, toe, heel, toe, heel, toe. Hmm. Do you really think I can win? Hey, I'm starting to think I can win. But those other girls are prettier than me. Lise, as your brother... this is the hardest thing I've every had to say. You're not ugly. Oh, Bart! Up-tempo Talking Over Music Out on our own! Making it work! Gasping for air! Having it all! My name is Amber Dempsey, and when I grow up I want to be a sweetie pie. Applause I am Pahasatira Nahasapeemapetilon... and tonight I will be playing "Mac Arthur Park" on the tabla. Laughing No, I am serious. Yes! Judges, there's your queen. Who's watching the Kwik-E-Mart? Both Gasp Grunting Laughing My name is Lisa Simpson, and I want to be Little Miss Springfield... so I can make our town a better place! Yeah! Clean up this stink-hole! Panting, Grunts Krusty! About time you got here. Yeah, yeah. What is this-- the, uh, Republican fund-raiser? Checking it out! Hitting the heights! Making a wish! Dreaming a dream! Singing All Me! Ends Oh, that brisket's not sittin' right. Singing Snoring Oh, that just kept goin', huh? And now here's... Lisa Simpson! They'll love you just as much as I do. Thanks, Dad. Mmm. Some people say that to love your country is old-fashioned... uncool, real melvin. Well, to them I say-- Singing Patriotic Song One, two, three, four! Singing Rock And Roll Song Cheering This is my favorite part Of the pageant, because-- What does that say? Oh. It gives me a chance to visit with the girls personality. Uh, personally. Amber, do you think the Bill of Rights... is a good thing or a bad thing? Um-- Take your time, dear. Good thing. All Fawning And now it's time to name our runner-up... who, if the winner doesn't fulfill her duties-- Muttering lncoherently And don't say it'll never happen... because we all remember that thing with what's-her-name. Click, click. You know. Okay, the runner-up is... Groans Cymbal Crash Lisa Simpson! Which means Amber Dempsey is the new Little Miss Springfield! Applause Orchestra Singing Coming up next, a new fad that's sweeping the nation-- wasting food. But first, let's join the new Little Miss Springfield, Amber Dempsey... as she helps open the Danish super-chain "Shop." Scott, everyone is here... from the mayor's illegitimate son to our own Duff blimp. Hi. Can I drive? Well, I can't see the harm. Barney Yelling Oh, the humanity! Anyway... to turn on the store's "severe tire damage" spikes, here's Little Miss Springfield. Fanfare Oh, dear. It would be a shame If that pretty dress got wet. I'd say the greater danger is her scepter acting as a lightning rod. Unless it's made out of plastic. Thunderclap Nope. Metal. Ladies and gentlemen, Little Miss Springfield has been struck by lightning. Man: Doctor, what is Amber's condition? Oh, she'll be fine. In fact... she's already won the Little Miss lntensive Care Pageant. Congratulations, Lisa. You're the new Little Miss Springfield. Here's your scepter. Oop! Laughing just kidding. Here you go. Oop! Laughing just kidding. Yelling I deserved that. That doesn't look like her body. The torso used to be Dr. Ruth. Her head is on a pike in the Chamber of Horrors. Wolf Howling Wolf Whistles Hi, fellas. Love that "chewing gum" walk. Very Wrigley. As Little Miss Springfield, it's my pleasure to welcome you to America... the land of opportunity. Actually, they're being deported. Minor Key Man Over P.A. And now, let's give a big Fort Springfield welcome... to Mr. Bob Hope! What's the mayor's name? Quimby. Beautiful. Orchestra Hello, this is Bob "What the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope. Ends Hey, how about that Mayor Quimby? He's some golfer! His golfball spends more time underwater than Greg Louganis. Howling Laughter And now, I wanna show you what you're fighting for, if there was a w*r on. Little Miss Springfield. Isn't she beautiful? Little Miss Springfield? First, Tony Randall cancels. Now this. Yelling, Shouting Hey, what gives here? This is bogus! Hey! Where do you think you're goin'? We want Miss Springfield! Hey, set me down at that boat show. I'm gonna be riding on a pack of cigarettes? Mm-hmm. We think you're the perfect spokesmodel for Laramies. It's part of our new campaign. Mmm, classy. Gasps You see, Lisa, it's been an unlucky year for Laramie. A lot of the people who smoke our product have been... well, dying. And we need young smokers to take their place. I don't wanna be a spokesperson for a cigarette company! But you're a role model To young people. And we're thinking of retiring Menthol Moose. Coughs, Spits Bless you, boys. Homer, those are ice cream men. I know. Gasps Stop this float! Tires Screech What's the holdup? Go! I'm tired of being a corporate shill. Grunts From now on, I will speak out... against the evils in society... from dog-napping to cigarettes. Lisa: Before I sing the national anthem... I'd like to say that college football... diverts funds badly needed for education and the arts. Is that true? Let's get 'em! Grunting Let's get out of here! Grunting Continues Gentlemen, we need to get Lisa Simpson out... and Amber Dempsey back in. But this glorified, crossing-guard-of-a-police Chief won't get off his big fat can. Is it okay if I open these potato chips? Groans Gentlemen, our prayers have been answered. Take a look at our Little Miss Springfield's pageant application. Roxy, bring in a bottle of champagne. Yeah, and some dip for these chips or somethin'. Lisa Simpson is no longer Little Miss Springfield. She was stripped of her crown in a ceremony earlier today. Well, that's obviously the wrong footage. Uh, but it does seem the father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson... filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "Do not write in this space," he wrote, "Okay." If it wasn't for me, you'd still be queen. You must hate me. Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant? I don't know. Was I drunk? Possibly. But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself, and I do. Really? Uh-huh. Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life? It's a deal. And now, my exclusive interview with His Holiness, Pope John Paul I. That's it. I cannot work under these conditions. If anybody wants me, I'll be downstairs at McDougal's. Call the weekend guy. I don't care.
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