Well, children, it's the last day of school. All Yea! Here are your grades. Oh, no, Mrs. Krabappel. If I don't get a "C" average, my dad won't let me go to Kamp Krusty. Well, it isn't fair to the other children, but all right. Much obliged, doll! Laughing Oh, Bart Simpson, I'm gonna miss you. Attention, everyone. This is Principal Skinner. I trust you all remembered to bring in your implements of destruction. Skinner: Now, let's trash this dump. Rock Somebody put a torch to these permanent records. Quickly, now. Vocalizing Continues Wake up, boy. Groans, Gasps I dreamt it was the last day of school. Well, it is. Oh, how do I know this isn't Some beautiful dream too? Ow! You know, a pinch is more traditional. Loud Gobbling, Belching Homer, you do remember your promise to the children? Sure do! When you're I 8, you're out the door! No, Dad, you promised if Bart and I got "C" averages, we could go to Kamp Krusty. And with no false modesty, you're lookin' at one happy camper. Nervous Chuckling Yeah. Remember, when you see my report card, they got this new grading system this year. It now goes, "D," "B," "A," "C." Listen, boy, we have an understanding, and you'd better keep your end of it. I don't think I'd be any kind of a father If you got D's, and I let you go to Kamp Krusty. But, Dad! if you want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. Man Seventeen, 32-- D'oh! five-- D'oh! eight-- Whoo-hoo! 47. D'oh! Skinner On P.A. Attention, students. Please clear out your lockers into the waste baskets provided. Thirty-six, 24, 36. Ha, ha, ha. Cracks Knuckles Now, let's see what we got here. Ah, my gym shorts. Here are your final report cards. I have nothing left to say to any of you. So if nobody minds, let's just quietly run out the clock. Gasps I've never gotten a "B" before. How could this have happened? I feel so dirty! Grunting The dirt's not coming off!. Panting Okay. Calm down. This must just be a little typo. Nervous Giggle Oh, Miss Hoover! There appears to be a mistake on my report card. You gave me a B-plus in conduct? Now, Lisa, everyone needs a blotch on their permanent record. Perhaps I'm not making myself clear. Hysterical Giggle I think you should reconsider. Lisa, you're hurting me! Mrs. Krabappel, in figuring out my final grades... I hope you'll note that all Of my textbooks are being returned... in excellent condition-- in some cases, still in their original wrappings. Duly noted. I'd also like to add, as I gaze upon your beauty... I've never seen an angel fly so low. Forget it, short pants. Mrs. Krabappel, if I don't get at least a "C" average... I can't go to Kamp Krusty! Have a "D"-lightful summer! Laughing Five! Four! Three! Two! Don't open your mouth. One! Bell Ringing Cheering Wait a minute! You didn't learn how World w*r I ended. We won! Yea! U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A! I haven't seen such unfettered hurly-burly since the fall of Saigon. Well, William, another school year gone by. And may I say, a job well done, sir? Well, back to work then. Make sure to give those toilets a good scrubbing. We want the old girls sparkling when I get back. Aye, sir. Eh, you silk-wearing buttercup! All right! Three whole months Of Spaghetti Os and daytime TV! So, Bart, will you be joining me in the bucolic splendor of Kamp Krusty? You bet. Check out this hand. All aces. Laughing A-plus! Oh, Bart, why didn't you at least forge plausible grades? Sighing Oh! Hi, kids! Only one week left to sign up for the bestest summer ever at Kamp Krusty! Grunts, Laughing Whoa! Laughing, Grunting Hey! Kamp Krusty is built on an actual lndian burial ground. We've got archery, wallet-making-- the whole megillah. Chortling And for you f
Live from beautiful Laughlin, Nevada... it's the Miss American Girl Pageant. Brought to you by: Smell like Streep For cheap! I'm your host, Troy McClure. And now, here come the ladies! Applause Singing Troy Like Miss South Dakota. Miss North Carolina. Miss lndiana. Miss Alaska. Kids, I won't be home tonight, so I'm leaving you some low-cal microwavable TV dinners. Uh-- Okay. I'm auditioning for a play. It's a musical version Of A Street car Named Desire. Isn't that exciting? Troy If you ask me, they're all winners! We'll be cutting our first 40 contestants right after this. Let's take a minute to meet our distinguished panel of judges. Skin-care consultant, Roweena. Syndicated columnist, William F. George. Token black panelist, Drederick Tatum. And Mr. Boswell, the man behind those infamous worst-dressed lists. Mr. Boswell, can you give us a sneak peek at this year's list? Memo to Goldie Hawn: cheerleading tryouts were 30 years ago. Let's grow up, shall we? All Laughing He's such a b*tch. I haven't been in a play since high school... and I thought it would be a good chance to meet some other adults. Sounds interesting. You know, I spend all day alone with Maggie... and sometimes it's like I don't even exist. Sounds interesting. Groans It's time to name our five finalists... starting with... Miss Montana. Applause A beaut from Butte. Miss South Carolina. Nothin' could be finer. Miss Delaware. She, uh-- Good for her. Singing Scales Marge, keep it down in there! Homer, my audition is in half-- Hey, look, it's last year's winner, Debra Jo Smallwood! Tonight, my reign as Miss American Girl comes to an end. And I'd like to apologize one last time... for my unfortunate remarks at the United Nations. Classical Maggie, cut that racket! And where exactly Are you going? I'm auditioning for a play. Well, this is the first I've heard about it. I told you several times. It's a musical version Of A Streetcar Na-- Excuse me, Marge! I think that if you told me, I would remember. I mean, I'm not an idiot! Hm. Well, I-I thought I told you. Kids, back me up. He's right, Mom. Sorry. Match point-- Homer. I'm sorry, honey. It's okay. We're none of us perfect. Piano Singers Warming Up Vocalizing Well, howdy-do, neighbor. Hi, Ned. I didn't know you were an actor. Oh, indeedily-doodily. Uh, I've even been in Streetcar once before. I played Blanche DuBois. Mm-hmm. Just part of the fun Of going to an all-male school. Hello! I am Llewellyn Sinclair. I have directed three plays in my career... and I have had three heart att*cks. That's how much I care. I'm planning for a fourth. Maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class. Oh, forget about it. That Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic. Quiet! Sorry. I am not an easy man to work for. While directing Hats Off to Hanukkah... I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth graders? The review, "Play Enjoyed By All, '" speaks for itself. Hm. Those auditioning for the role of Stanley... take off your shirts. Take off your shirts! Repeating in French Schnell! Schnell! Schnell! Uh-uh. Nope. Try joining a gym. Oh, ye gods! Hey, man, if you like that, you should see my butt. You. You're my Stanley. Hot diggity! How 'bout that, Marge? Little ol' Stanley me. Chuckles Weakly "Stella. Stella!" Laughs Singing Next! Singing Next! Singing Next! Singing Thank you for nothing. You're all terrible! What you ladies don't understand is that Blanche... is a delicate flower being trampled by an uncouth lout-- Sighs Forget it! just strike the sets. Clear the stage. This production is-- Homie, I didn't get the part. You were right. Outside interests are stupid. Wait a minute. Groans I'll come home right away. All right. I'll pick up
Let go! Let go! I'm all naked and wet! Get up, Homer. It's time for church. I don't wanna go. It's church. You have to go. Too cold out. I'm tired of having this argument every Sunday. Get dressed. Oh, stupid, itchy church pants. Grunting One size fits all, my butt! Come on. We're going to be late. Pants Tearing Forget it. I'm not going. Growls Hey, where's Homer? Your father's... resting. "Resting" hungover, "resting" got fired? Help me out here. Ahhh, I'm just a big, toasty cinnamon bun. I never wanna leave this bed. Uh-oh. Gotta take a whiz. Think, man. Think. Think, think, think. I better get up. I'm whizzin' with the door open, and I love it. Singing Blubbering Man: It's I 1 K-BBL degrees below zero. I hope you're someplace warm. You bet your sweet... a*s! I'm afraid our furnace isn't working. Man: Yeah, what's the story? But let's just put it out of our minds... and turn to the lamentations of Jeremiah... long version. "Joy is gone from our hearts... our dancing has turned to mourning. '" Rock And Roll Girls Singing Singing The perfect chance to make my patented, space-age... out-of-this-world moon waffles. Let's see here. Caramels. Waffle batter. Liquid smoke. Oooh, waffle runoff. Mmm, fattening. And he was cast into the fiery cauldron of hell! The searing heat... the scalding rivers of molten sulfur! Ahhh, I'm there. Uh-oh. Whistling Here, boy. Okay, okay, okay, okay. The service has ended. Go in peace. Pipe Organ Grunting The door's frozen shut, and it's the only way out! Chattering Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be-- Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place. Man On Radio That was Johnny Calhoun with... "Gonna Find Mea Genie With a Magic Bikini. '" Man 2 Johnny's next record was a spoken word album of his right-wing political views. It k*lled his career. If you can tell me the name Of that album, call our contest line now. Gasps I know that! Line Ringing Hello. This is Homer Simpson. Man Homer, can you name that title? "This Things I Believe." Man 2 Uh, can we accept that? Cash Register Ringing Whoo-hoo! How's that door coming, Willy? Miracles are your department, Reverend. Uh, while we're waiting, Why don't I read from the Sunday bulletin? Card table for sale. Top badly damaged. Leg missing. Otherwise fine. One dollar or best offer. Woman On TV You must be the three chiropractors I sent for. Now, start manipulating my spine. Curly: Hey, Moe, we don't know nothin' about manipulatin. Moe: You heard the lady. Grab her spine and get crackin. Punch Landing Chuckling Moe is their leader. Curly Whooping Moe: Why, you! Punch Landing Curly: Hey! Grunting Huzzah! Plea-Please, Christians, don't push. Excuse me. Pardon me. Whoop. Coming through. Howya doing? Love that hat, baby. Come on, TV. Give me some of that sweet, sweet pap. Well, let's define our terms, gentlemen. Are we talking about redistricting or are we talking about reapportionment? Oh, well, can't win 'em all. Man We interrupt this public affairs program to bring you a football game. Yes! Whistle Blowing Engine Not Turning Over Marge lmitating Engine Imitating Engine Give it a little more gas. Pedal Banging No, no, that's too much. You know what I think would help? What? What would help? Nothing. Oh, doctor. A 98-yard triple reverse... ties the score at 63-63. We have seen nothing but razzle-dazzle here today... three visits from Morganna the Kissing Bandit... and the astonishing return of Jim Brown. Whoo-hoo! Is that what I think it is? Mm-hmm. I found... a penny! Could this be the best day of my life? Laughing Looks like we have a new champion. Ah, my beloved family. How was church? Muttering Snorting I, on the other hand, have been having the best day of my life... and I
Principal Skinner, "The Happiest Place on Earth'... is a registered Disneyland copyright. Well, gentlemen, it's just a small school carnival. And it's heading for a great big lawsuit. You made a big mistake, Skinner. Well, so did you. You got an ex-Green Beret mad. Groaning, Gagging Gasps Groans Copyright expired. And... begin! This sucks. Aah! Ha-ha! Pick the red, get ahead. Pick the black, set you back. Hmm. I don't recall authorizing this booth. Good-bye, gentlemen. All Gasp Coughing Get your haggis right here! Chopped heart and lungs... boiled in a wee sheep's stomach! Tastes as good as it sounds! Good for what ails ya! Mutters, Groans I'd say... 53 years old and 420 pounds. Ha-ha, you lose! 36 and 239. Hmm. Rock Over P.A. Hey, Otto-man, I dare you to make this go faster. Ooh! Challenge accepted! Continues I'll be in Mexico till this thing blows over. Spectators Gasping Yelling, Shouting Oh, boy! A "spookhouse"! Hand over all your money. Milhouse Grunts Was it scary? Uh-huh. Ooh, baby. Uh-oh. So, girlie, you like roller-skating? No. Yeah, everybody loves roller-skating. Okay, you can turn around now. Gasps Spectators Laughing Oh, my God! I'm ugly! Now, in a moment, we'll be raffling of four grand prize-- a ride on the famous Duff Beer blimp! A ride on the Duff blimp. You see the circular pattern on those fields? That's from central-pivot irrigation. Wow. Now let's see what's happening at the Super Bowl. Crowd Cheering Crowd Chanting Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer! Chanting Stops Man: Oops. Sorry. Chanting Continues Homer! Homer! Homer! Softly Homer! Homer! Homer! But first, our second-prize winner... and the recipient of this handsome shoe buffer-- Ned Flanders! Gasps Ah! Man: Go, Ned! Oh, it's no fair. We'll never have a buffer. We have one at home. You never use it. Well, I want that one. And the winner of the blimp ride is... Homer Simpson! Oh, my God! Whimpers Singing Sobbing Honey, what's wrong? Dad, do you think I'm ugly? What are you talking about? Chuckling Oh, Lisa, this isn't real. It's just how you might look If you were a cartoon character. I'm an ugmo. Now, that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear. Fathers have to say that stuff. Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear? No! You're homely as a mule's butt! There. See? I'd like to be alone, please. Sobbing Moe, have you ever felt unattractive? Mmm, no. How about you, Barney? Not for a second. Belches Yeah. I need help. Together Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! I guess every father thinks his daughter is the cutest. Well, now there's a way to prove it. Wow, President of Laramie Cigarettes, jack Larson! This year, Laramie is sponsoring... the Little Miss Springfield Pageant. You see, government regulations prohibit us from advertising on TV. Inhales, Exhales Ahh. That sweet Carolina smoke. But they can't prohibit us from holding a beauty pageant... for little girls age seven to nine. Lisa's age seven to nine! Your daughter could be crowned Little Miss Springfield by our host... the maitre d' of glee, Krusty the Clown! I heartily endorse this event or product. What a feeling! I'm as happy as a smoker... taking that first puff in the morning. That could be Lisa! The Little Miss Springfield Pageant. Only $250 to enter. Oh! Hey, Barney, will you give me 250 bucks for this blimp ticket? Sure! Gasps Where'd you get all the money? From some scientist. Since they stopped testing on animals... a guy like me can really clean up. Gulping I'm hideous. Lisa, I know a song that will cheer you up. Singing So you think I'm ugly? No! No, I meant you were one Of the good-looking ducks... that makes fun of the ugly one. Lisa, if you could have one wish, what would it be? T
